Things To Work On

[lovely.rabbit]

Thank you so much for your replies!!

We absolutely have alot of work, we are both 1000000% committed, both of us have had bad prior relationships, and everything misworded and cruel is said at times where we are fighting, We are both very aware that we both have issues but I made sure to say that he cannot call me a coward/selfish/playing a victim card anymore and in turn i need to work on my constant worry about him being mad when hes not, it gets annoying when i keep asking over and over and hes already told me hes not mad. I can 100% see how it would be annoying and eventually actually cause anger in him.

And i am generally in a bad mood because ive let my past control me for so long now that i have to make it a choice to be happy, a choice to move away from the feelings i might have toward myself.

I agree sometimes he is extremely rude, sarcastic and verbally yells but he is a very good person and does not mean to hurt me, I am aslo VERY very sensitive and take everything personally.

Im absolutely sure that we will find better ways to communicate, we are already writing down our feelings instead of talking to each other at times where we are too angry/passionate, we will sit next to each other and write out what we want to say then pass notes to eachother.

He is 28 and I am 25, my only actual relationship was with my abuser of 7 years and i met him at 18 he was 31 so im not used to being with someone my age, we are both very oppinionated at times but we ALWAYS come back after a fight or dissagreement and recconsile and try to be better.

Its extremely true that when you have two people together who both have major issues or past issues in their own lives, it tends to blend together and you both end up carrying or trying to carry the others pain. We have learnt to abuse each other instead of work together but we are aware of it now and his mom is an immense support. (i dont have my family so she is like my mom now)

He is absolutely frustrated by how I treat myself, im horrible to myself. And I can only imagine what thats like to live with someone you find so perfect but they just cant see it. He tells me every day how beautiful i am, that he loves me, that im everything he wants and needs, but in my sickness i tend to push him away and cower in my pain and fear.

He is amazing to me and have never threatened to leave, he wants me healthy and he wants to help very badly, we both throw out poision when we are mad, just like any person who is extremely upset, sometimes bad things are said.

We are trying to learn how to support eachother without ending up letting ourselves get broken down by the others pain, sorrow, problems.

Very much a work in progress and something I would never give up, we are a team, best friends and are around eachother 24/7 literally, (we also live in a 10x10 tiny offgrid home, no power, wood stove etc. so we are doing amazing for two people *virgo and aquarius no less* who are rarely rarely ever apart.)

I am extremely lucky to have him, I am no walk in the park most days ;)

I really recommend for couples to make use of writing their thoughts down then passing them to eachother, it takes the raw emotion (and sometimes the anger) out of the words and makes it easier to LISTEN to eachother instead of yelling/cutting off etc.

 

[Gs172003]

I get that it's probably annoying that she asks if he's mad all the time, but if that's the way he ACTS ...I can see why. The dude is not acting like he cares about her, only how she impacts HIM.

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you so much for your replies!!
We absolutely have alot of work, we are both 1000000% commit...

If you aren't in therapy you have to be. If he's not in therapy he has to be.

 

[lovely.rabbit]

@Zoogal- I totally agree. I am saying that it is difficult to determine what issues be...

ABSOLUTE FACT. we are so conjoined in mind and spirit that we are almost like one person now and we just continually take on eachothers problems to the point of making ourselves ill. it can be that way when you are that devoted you forget to take care of yourself. we are trying to get evened out :)
I agree he shouldnt call me those things but he felt very badly and it was in anger not truth of how he feels about me.

 

[lovely.rabbit]

I get that it's probably annoying that she asks if he's mad all the time, but if that's the way he ACTS...

he can be a bit of a jerk verbally but he doesnt mean for it and always tries to do better. we both have our own issues but hes willing to work on his as well so im very willing to both work on our issues together. if it was a continued behaviour and neither of us were willing to get better then it would be bad

 

[Gs172003]

he can be a bit of a jerk verbally but he doesnt mean for it and always tries to do better. we bo...

As long as he actually does and doesn't just say he will.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Absolute fact: You both need to get out of each other's heads and become individuals.
My daughter is your age and I have said the same words to her. You need some time to live on your own. If only to know you can. Live on your own for a year, two is better :tup: knowing comes from doing. Learning independence is a solo course that changes you. You can have date nights and nights to yourself without explanation expected.
Of course they might stay over but they can never leave as much as a toothbrush and definitely not dirty laundry.
You can make dinner for each other. Would he make you dinner and treat you as a guest in his home?
This is not about generational differences. This is about if you want a different kind of life, you have to do something different.

I wish you all the best,

Alice

 

[lovely.rabbit]

Absolute fact: You both need to get out of each other's heads and become individuals.
My d...

We are already moved in together for about 10 months, we have known eachother for 7 years.
But i completely understand the need for individuality, and we are getting there :) 90% of the time we are absolutely so in sync that it would feel strange to be apart, if i even go to the library he comes to join me because we get along so well, same loves and hobbies etc.

Its a balance that definitely needs to be found when two people are so closely linked and live together, and we are almost there.
I want to stop holding us back in the areas that are my issues and i am actually excited to seek therapy, usually i end up not going and now i actually want to start treating myself better.

thanks again guys, if anyone has any other ideas on healthy couples ideas for a person with PTSD and the other with some anger issues, like writing our thughts down instead of yelling back and forth etc. Id love to hear.

I think i am tone deaf to sarcasm as well so sometimes he will be joking and i think hes serious so i get offended for no reason, thats an ego issue i have i take everything personally. id love to learn ways to not do that.

 

[mamachick]

lovely rabbit-did you ever think that maybe you were not holding the two of you back? Maybe you are just meant to work through this to come out in a better place, and it can also test your love for each other.
My concern is that he is critical of your position. I know if I were to ever take a life partner, they would have to have empathy for others, something that my husband lacked.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Just so you know I was not judging but caring I do have a suggestion that might help.
You both write a letter to each other about the reasons you love the other and both get sealed.
When things get bad, you open his letter and he opens yours and you take turns reading lines out loud to each other.

 

[joeylittle]

But i completely understand the need for individuality, and we are getting there :) 90% of the time we are absolutely so in sync that it would feel strange to be apart, if i even go to the library he comes to join me because we get along so well, same loves and hobbies etc.

I do not personally think this is actually healthy. I can tell that you do - so you can take this advice or leave it - but what you are describing is more like codependency than a balanced relationship. You don't take two whole people and then merge them so that only half a person is left. You should be two whole people, side by side. This:

ABSOLUTE FACT. we are so conjoined in mind and spirit that we are almost like one person now and we just continually take on eachothers problems to the point of making ourselves ill.

is what happens with codependency. You could also call it enmeshment.

if anyone has any other ideas on healthy couples ideas for a person with PTSD and the other with some anger issues, like writing our thughts down instead of yelling back and forth etc. Id love to hear.

Couple's counseling, to learn communication techniques. Also, working on your own triggers individually/separately, so that you can better manage yourselves.

I think i am tone deaf to sarcasm as well so sometimes he will be joking and i think hes serious so i get offended for no reason, thats an ego issue i have i take everything personally. id love to learn ways to not do that.

You can ask him if he meant what he said actually, or if he was joking. Asking for clarification is never a bad technique.

I am extremely lucky to have him, I am no walk in the park most days ;)

Whenever I read this, I am temped to wonder how true this actually is. Is your poor self-esteem telling yourself that you are fortunate that someone would be willing to be with you?

Also - in the case of the relationship you are describing - he's far from a walk in the park, either. And I hope that you can do some counseling, together, if you want to try and start making things work. If a live counsellor isn't an option, you could look for couples workbooks, something that you could do together that would guide you through working on the relationship.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I fully agree with @joeylittle (and likely most people that replied. Her's the only one I read). But in a normal healthy relationship, you don't give any part of yourself. A normal healthy relationship are two people dancing through life together. The admin on another site i'm on says that. We are just dancing.

Anyway, i wouldn't call him a jerk. Id call him very uneducated on trauma and PTSD. I'd normally recommend a book or two but I agree that couples therapy is the right play here. Codependency isn't healthy and it makes the two or more people involved much more unhealthy very quickly.

In any case, it isn't your job to stop upetting him. You aren't upsetting him, you don't have that power. He is in control over his emotions 100% of the time.