Relationship To Reach Out Or Not...

[aut555]

I didn't go over...but I did send a text and he called me but I couldn't speak much because I was wi...

Booty call. Just saying.... That's what happens, PTSD or not. You can string yourself along with this for quite sometime, or you can exit. Things will probably stay the same. He will dangle the possible relationship carrot, and you can dangle right along for a year?

Seriously, l am sure you are a very special beautiful person, but you do need to make a choice on where your life choices are taking you, eyes wide open.

 

[EveHarrington]

Booty call. Just saying.... That's what happens, PTSD or not. You can string yourself along with this...

I think you might want to re-read this post and the backstory (won't take long as she's fairly new).

This is not a booty call situation. The OP said she wanted to drop by his place. She later said she did not do so after people here advised not to.

But OP, consider it like this. You want to run a marathon. Your guy cannot do anything more than walk. He's even told you that he cannot do anything more than walk. If someone is unable to move at a pace faster than walking, it's impossible for them to "compromise" and jog (while of course you compromise and jog too). Does this make sense? From the things you write I get the feeling that you don't understand that it's a health matter, and not a "typical" relationship compromise of give and take. It's his health------if you truly care about him and his healing, why are you trying to force a compromise?

Bottom line, this isn't a typical relationship lifestyle compromise. To expect him to sacrifice his health and well being for you is asking too much IMHO. If you truly care about him, let him go and let him heal. Don't force him to do more than he's capable of.

He's being honest with you but you don't want to accept the truth. I'm not seeing any wrongdoing on his part------yes he misses you, but he can't do the full blown relationship thing.

 

[aut555]

I think you might want to re-read this post and the backstory (won't take long as she's fairly ne...

Nicely put Eve.
Thanks for giving me a heads up. Omg, l need ice cream

 

[Sighs]

@EveHarrington - perfectly put!

Eve has done a great job of illustrating a mental health issue as if it were a physical one. My favourite example is from the awesome Ms @Friday - if you have food poisoning to the point of violently throwing up and someone tries to feed you some of your favourite food in the whole world of course you don't bloody want any! Then when you're feeling better you do want that food. Then the next time the vomiting bout hits you don't even want to think about your favourite food. And then the food tells you that you've hurt its feelings and unless you want to eat it every night - even when you're vomiting - well its leaving for good.

OP - please understand that I'm not judging you - its ok to want someone who wants you all the time not just when he isn't vomiting out the pain and fear of PTSD. But its not his fault he is sick.

 

[Hojay]

I both agree and disagree with some of the replies here. Yes, he's sick, it's not his fault, and allowances need to be made for his own mental health and stability. However, first and foremost, HE is responsible for taking care of himself and what he may need, as well as being aware of the consequences of his actions. He consciously chose to rekindle the romance with you - you did not force or coerce him into giving you what he says he can't give you. If he comes out and clearly says he doesn't just want a platonic relationship, you have every right to assume you can trust his words and will follow up accordingly. If he doesn't follow up, it's not up to YOU to muster up even more understanding, compassion, and excuses via PTSD. You want (dare I say need!) to treat him like a fully grown adult man who says what he means and means what he says - PTSD or not, it's his responsibility to communicate with you and stay fair. Even when my sufferer is at his worst (and he can get pretty darn bad) he always writes when he says he will, he understands that, if he wants to be in a relationship with me, he needs to communicate his needs clearly and stay fair. He is in this relationship WILLINGLY, and I hold him accountable accordingly.

There are lots of discussions on this forum about what is and what isn't acceptable in terms of a sufferer's behavior, and it continues to be an interesting topic. I personally have to examine and re-examine my willingness to make excuses where I shouldn't and/or draw a hard line where maybe it's unfair to do so in light of his disease. If anything, it's a GREAT opportunity to learn about your own values and boundaries, as well as where your responsibility end and theirs begins.

 

[EveHarrington]

Honestly------

If not returning your text in a day is "silent treatment "-------

Please walk away.

Many people come here and echo the same sentiments. It seems like 24/7 contact is needed. You're not in a relationship with him and he wants to scale things waaaaay back. The pressure for constant contact is a lot! It's very stressful.

I would like you to look at this from a needs point of view. Your needs and his needs are very different. It's quite clear that he cannot give you what you need.

One day of no contact?

Please don't frame it as manipulative passive/aggressive silent treatment. (I added the manipulative passive/aggressive part but honestly that's exactly what the silent treatment is----manipulative and passive/aggressive.)

That's most likely not what this is and it's hurtful to name it as such when you're dealing with a symptomatic PTSD sufferer.

 

[Hojay]

@EveHarrington, totally agree, "silent treatment" is a bit excessive a word for the amount of time he seems to not have communicated with the OP. To immediately assume it's some sort of passive aggressive gesture would be too much. From what I've gathered, though, there were plans to communicate, which he hasn't followed up on in (what I gather) a respectful time frame, so unless he is in full on crisis mode, I don't think it would be too much to expect him to at least shoot the OP a text to tell her he's too overwhelmed to talk, make new plans, etc. That's where his accountability begins, sufferer or not, if he wants to start a new form of relationship with the OP, I believe.

 

[GoatBoston]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. To clairify a bit....

We had plans to talk, so that's why I called him...he later said he spent the afternoon watching the game, but I called 2 hours beforehand so it still didn't make sense why he screened the call and didn't talk to me as we had agreed on previously. He wasn't in a PTSD crisis...I don't know why he didn't take the call and I will never know why he didn't. This is just what happens. And this was one of the examples I used with him when I said compromise. I want a compromise between me wanting to be right back into a relationship and him taking 8 hours to get back to me when all what it would have taken was a quick text saying he had plans but would call me in a bit.

Secondly, he has repeatedly said he wants to be alone but then reaches out to me. Last night he told me he was upset that last time we spoke I ended things...he said that he had been vulnerable and trusted me but then I rejected him...which I don't get at all because I was asking to be with him and he said he needed to be alone..So I asked him "what am I supposed to do when you tell me you need to focus on getting better and want to do that alone?"....he didn't have an answer for me....so it's if I'm damned if I stick around and I'm damned if I move on. It's like a part of him does want me there...but another part of him finds that scary...and another part of him wants to just be able to watch football with the guys and not have to explain himself to anyone...some of this is PTSD, but that doesn't cover it all...and to be honest, I don't think it's fair to minimize his ability to make choices and be an adult by saying everything is PTSD. I know a good amount about PTSD, though my knowledge comes from other forms of PTSD and I am knew to understanding combat PTSD, and know absolutely nothing about being in a relationship with PTSD...But I don't think PTSD gives you hallpass for things. Just because you can't run doesn't mean you get to sit out sometimes or that I am doing something wrong by wanting to run ahead every once in a while.

Then, thirdly, he said that he doesn't want just a platonic friendship with me, and that he had never been what he was asking for...which I was surprised by because that had been my impression. And I said okay, but where is there common ground between you wanting to reach out once every 3 weeks and me wanting to talk daily and to not wait 8 hours for a call back like this morning?...and can we find common ground?...we decided we'll each think about it...but he still was annoyed and felt like I as putting it all on him because I chose bad wording (I said "okay, you'll spend some time thinking, I will spend some time thinking and we will talk" but before my sentence even ended he was upset and said I was blaming him and we both needed to think about what a compromise meant....it wasn't my intention or desire to blame, it was just wording on my end).

We both agreed we missed the good times, and I shared with him the things about him I miss a lot, and we laughed a bit....but, I'm ready to stop bringing up the things he did that hurt me because it's exhausting and doesn't move us forward....but I feel like the wound of me saying no to being in touch when it was random and not on the context of us being in each others lives is something he's not able to stop bringing up yet. Every time we talk he says how upset that made him....that he trusted me and was vulnerable with me and then I stopped contact and he hasn't reached out since because he wanted to respect my boundary, but also because it felt rejecting to him...which I've apologized and said I don't know what else to do in those situations and asked him what he wants me to do when he essentially dumps me and then pops up weeks later...it's crazy...he rejects me and then when I won't jump on the Rollercoaster I'm the bad guy who rejected him. I think what he is referring to is that he had recently shared a lot of details about the war with me, the things that he did, saw and happened that caused the PTSD...these are things he hasn't shared with anyone other than his therapist..so I know that as huge for him..and maybe he's testing me when he says he needs to be alone to heal (which I don't agree with, people get better when they're supported) and he insists that he doesn't know how to let me be there for him and it just feels better to be alone...this time he's not saying hat (though I suspect he will again)...what he said this time is that he's willing to think about what a compromise would mean and that he was upset with me for having set a boundary around the limited role I had in his life (though I am seeing right now thato changing my boundary is confusing to us both)... I dont know how to do this, I'm still learning too

 

[Hojay]

Oh my, this sure is confusing. I see there is also a lot of confusion and (unjustified?) guilt on your part around your initial separation. Now that you've established the fact that he was not in a PTSD crisis, but chose not to engage you as he'd previously agreed upon, this looks like a different beast entirely.

In that sense, it becomes a larger question as to his actual emotional availability (even beyond PTSD) in the past and now, as well as your compatibility when it comes to relationship values and parameters (and also your motivation, willingness, and reasoning in continuing to make this work.) Him not acknowledging your perspective on the breakup sounds (worst case scenario) like a bit of gaslighting on his part. To infer that you actually respecting his boundaries in breaking up with you was a betrayal, as well as offloading his responsibility onto you, is also somewhat manipulative, and (very effectively, as we can see) spins you into a web of guilt and "what if's" that will make you stick around for another spin cycle, hoping to rectify and rebuild.

Is there a possibility that you two are now rekindling each hoping the other has changed? You thinking maybe this distance has cleared his head and made him more willing to compromise; him thinking the distance has cleared your head and you're now willing to accept what he has to offer without asking for more?

Look at his ACTIONS not his WORDS, as well as their mismatch. Also remember that boundaries (e.g. I need you to let me know when plans re. communication change, I need you to not let me hanging for 8 hours unannounced,) don't exist so you can potentially change the other person's behavior. They exist so that YOU know what YOU will do when those boundaries are crossed, e.g. leave the situation, call the whole thing off, and acknowledge he is not the right one for you, now or maybe even ever.

It's not about him respecting your boundaries, it's about YOU respecting YOURS.

Not saying this is easy, even harder when PTSD looms as the ever-handy excuse, but if in any way possible concentrate (very clearly define!) what it is YOU need/will not waver on/absolutely demand before anything else, and then stick to it with actions of your own - no explaining, no pleading, no back-and-forth. Even with PTSD in the picture, we should never be asked to compromise on our core needs based on mutual love, trust, and respect.

 

[GoatBoston]

Oh my, this sure is confusing. I see there is also a lot of confusion and (unjustified?) guilt on your pa...

That is great advice....then it begs the question, what really the things I absolutely need?
I don't think I've ever actually answered that question for myself.

 

[Hojay]

That's a great and important question, of course. Your not alone in not having asked yourself that before. I hadn't either until a very dysfunctional relationship forced me to - and I'm very glad I did (it's made my relationship with my sufferer so much more manageable and less crazy-making. If I hadn't studied up on my own boundaries, I swear I would have gone legitimately insane at this point)

If you want, I'd recommend maybe checking out this brilliant website: Baggage Reclaim - by Natalie Lue It's a fabulous resource, with many very insightful articles on the nature of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, as well as our own beliefs and patterns that make us waver on our own boundaries and/or not even know what they are....

 

[GoatBoston]

Thanks....I've long wondered if the issue is really his emotional availability. It's and because he has moments where he's amazing....but then he won't really step forward in a relationship, or if he does he then shuts down from feeling overwhelmed....the oscillating really confuses me