Ptsd And Hygiene

[MeowMeow]

Hi, So I'm new to this site.

I want to share something that I've never shared with anyone before in detail and I'm doing this because I really want to tell my therapist this and work through things but I'm really embarrassed to and was hoping other people could relate or give me tips on how to talk about it.

Basically, ever since my Childhood sexual assault, I have had a huge struggle with personal hygiene. Everything from brushing my teeth, to showering, washing my hands...

When I was younger, I used to run the shower and wet the towel so my mom thought that I was showering, but I never got in the shower unless my hair was so gross and tangled that I had to wash it. Then I would take a 30 minute shower and clean my whole body finally. But sometimes that was 1-4 weeks later that I'd go without.
Gross, I know. The longest I'd go these days is 2 weeks max.
Washing my hands and brushing my teeth when I have people over, I still sometimes just run the tap, but when I'm on my own, it doesn't usually happen. Brushing my teeth, washing my hands and face only happens when I feel gross too. But even over the years, I'd come home really sweaty after dance and I still wouldn't shower.

I really don't mind once I'm in the shower. I enjoy my time in it, I sing and I enjoy feeling clean, but it's the getting things going that I find a challenge. It's been over 10 years of this habitual pattern and I want to break it but I don't know how.

I don't know how to tell my therapist about this. I feel like shit. I feel gross and embarrassed, dirty, ashamed.
I've read some articles and posts and seen that other people struggle with hygiene, but I feel like I'm alone with this with this extent of it...

HELP!!! :(

 

[cat-lady]

If your therapist has been a therapist for a while I bet they've heard much worse. Those shame feelings are a symptom. Maybe start with telling the therapist you're trying to work up to telling him/her something that you have these feelings about. Good luck! :)

 

[MeowMeow]

If your therapist has been a therapist for a while I bet they've heard much worse. Those shame feeling...

yeah, she knows I want to tell her this thing but I can't figure out how to. It's really bad. I'm ashamed, so I can only imagine how she'd react and if she'd think down upon me.

 

[cat-lady]

A good therapist will not act judgmental about stuff like that. I can understand being afraid to say something though. Sometimes I've taken months to work my way up to telling my therapist things. Sometimes I would write down notes to bring in to help explain and collect my thoughts and that would help me get it out.

 

[Muttly]

Is it really bad? To me, it's not shocking or bad. you're not harming anyone. You aren't being cruel or uncaring. It's something you struggle with that's all. Therapists hear much worse things and your therapist's concern is going to be how to help you. I know hygiene can be hard for me too. I've known other folks who struggle with similar issues. You're not alone or as terrible as you think

Sometimes when I struggle to talk to my therapist I will create a hypothetical situation. I will tell her this is what I'm doing. So like instead of personal hygiene I might make it about cleaning my house and we'd talk about that and eventually, as that got easier, we start talking about the real issue.

 

[Sideways]

If it helps at all - this is soooo common. And not just for ptsders. People struggling with depression frequently have major major issues with personal hygiene.

Personal experience with confronting this with the T? I cried, I said that I was so ashamed that I thought it would be best to just end the appointment because I couldn't bear sitting there knowing how grossed out he must be.

After convincing me to stay seated a little longer, I still (years later) remember what he told me. After reassuring me that he sees this all the time, and it isn't always accompanied by insight (ie I knew it was an issue), he said that the thing from the T's perspective is it's a really useful indicator to see how much a person is struggling emotionally. Because if you have the capacity to get up and go to the toilet, then you have the physical capacity to brush your teeth. So it's a really clear measure of where a person is at on an emotional level when they're struggling with basic self-care.

But the thing that was really helpful, was he told me that from where he sat, the Gross Factor couldn't be further from his mind. What he struggled with was the tragedy and scope of mental illness when dealing with this particular issue. I remember him telling me that he simply doesn't take it for granted anymore that he just brushes his tweth and has a fresh tasting mouth all the time, because he knows that for a lot of people, that shit he barely notices himself even doing each day is literally too hard for so many others.

You are not alone. You are in a huge, silent crowd. Your feelings of shame are valid, because that's how you feel. But you don't need to. No more than a person having chemo needs to be ashamed of losing their hair, or a person with dermatitis needs to be ashamed of their flaky skin. It sucks, but once you talk to your T, you can start fixing this. Promise:)

 

[Noxyoursox]

I have a lot of difficulty taking care of personal hygeine too--usually I don't shower until I feel so gross that I'm too uncomfortable to sleep, or too embarassed to go to class like that. I do the whole running the tap thing too (when I'm in public and someone is in the stall--if they actually can see me I do wash my hands) and I used to run the bath. I haven't really found anything that helps either. :( As far as talking to therapist about something that you feel ashamed of though, working up to it with something easier helps, and letting them know beforehand that this is something you are having difficulty talking about helps. Things like this are exactly the kind of thing they are there to help with.

@Ragdoll Circus wishing I could like your post more than once, thank you.

 

[gealach]

MeowMeow welcome to the forum :)

You are definitely not alone in this, it's something I also struggle with too (along with so many others).

I was finally able to figure out that I was using poor hygiene as an excuse (tool ?) to isolate myself: I won't leave the house if I haven't showered, so when I'm too anxious to be in public I won't shower. Same thing with other hygiene behaviors, they are all a way for me to achieve social isolation. Now I'm working on removing that link I created between hygiene & being social. What is your hygiene linked to? ;)

I hope this is helpful in some way

 

[Friday]

I had an ongoing argument with a homeless russian woman for several years.

I was too clean. My hair was too long. Et cetera.

If you want to be raped less, shave your head. Stay dirty. You bathe too much. You make me worry.

Baba. If I stab him, they won't deport me. I have citizenship here, remember?

You take too many risks.

I wasn't going to explain to her that if I didn't stay clean, bathe every day, my head went to dark places. My job -my trauma stuff- required getting stank for weeks on end. Sometimes months. Where crossing a river or getting rained on was the closest thing I'd see to a bath. Did I mind? No, not really. You get used to it. But part of the way that I differentiated in my head and my heart when I was working, versus when I was safe? Was bathing first thing in the morning. And throughout the day. That I could get clean whenever I wanted. Bliss. Pure bliss. So I used the line about the police, instead. Which also happened to be true. If she were picked up by police? As either a victim or a suspect, she'd be deported back to Russia. She stayed dirty, to feel safe. I stayed clean, to feel safe.

Trauma? Does weird shit like that.

Now, I have no idea where your hygiene issues come from. As others have said, they're reeeeeally common. So common there are dozens and dozens of "whys". She and I just so happened to have the same issue -cleanliness is directly related to feeling safe- with opposite solutions to getting there. It happens. Really. Some people use it (hygiene) as a tool, others use it to feel safe, others have severe body issues, others were attacked in the shower too many times, others have some aspect -or more than one aspect- that is highly triggering, others out and out refuse to 'get pretty' for some asshole/it's an empowerment thing, others are depressed, others are avoiding getting depressed, others are self harming, others don't believe they deserve to be clean, others don't know how to, others are claustrophobic (I knew a bloke who only ever showered at the beach showers because naked in a tiny box terrified him; and a girlfriend of mine only every showered at the pool during the rush, because being naked and alone terrified her; and several people who shower only in swimsuits or clothes on/ as it's naked all by itself, doesn't matter where, that is -danger! danger! danger!- ), others, others, others. You're soooooo not alone.

A good trauma therapist? Is going to be very used to hearing not only the trauma-side-effect... But also all the many many many whys that have created that side effect. One better? Is going to be able to help you get to where YOU want to be. Whether that's more clean OR less embarrassed/ashamed/etc.. So that you're at the level of cleanliness you want to be AND feel good about it. And if you don't know your whys? Or know where you want to be? Can help you figure those out, too. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't read all the replies but I can relate somewhat. I wasn't allowed to brush my teeth growing up and it is hard for me to remember to and then if I am already tucked into bed (im tucked by pillows and a teddy bear and sleep in a recliner. It's a chore to get up and down) then I won't bother.

There's a few reasons reasons for it.

Showering i do daily when I work as its not cool to come in looking like you are homeless but on long times out of work ive gone 3 days without a shower. Usually its 3 day gaps. Thats just lack of motivation and will to get up and in the shower.

What really suprised me is the most embarrasing things ive had to tell my therapist (yes i had more embarrasing ones then this...one likely tops all and that was posted here) he was never shocked by anything. That floored me that these super embarrasing things my therapist is like "well of course you do/dont" well of course this or that. Or he'd go and name what was causing it. Or he'd not be shocked but ask what i thought was the cause of the behavior or whatever and we'd discuss it.

How i told him all of the embarrasing stuff?

One way was to write it down. So like you show him this orginal post and let him read it. For a while my therapist and i said zero words to each other, we passed notes.

Eventually, when i could speak, I would turned completely 180 degrees away from him, look out the window behind me, and hint the f*ck out of it. I have something to tell you and i dont know how. Its embarrasing. Then he try to ease my mind some. It has to do with (some none detail hint) then he'd guess it or he'd try to ease my mind a bit more. Well it has to do with (lets say) water and the bathroom and mint flavor and your not suppose to drop it in prison (soap). Just like odd non detailed hints and finally id come out with it or he'd finally guess enough that he knew what it was.

Another way was like ripping off the bandaid. Close my eyes and cover my face and say "i don't take a shower for weeks or wash my hands or brush my teeth and i dont know why but have done it since i was a child and i thought you should know" all in one breath.

There are ways but i doubt your therapist will be shocked by any of it.

 

[GrayOwl]

I have a fatal and progressive disease. I was told that the progression of that disease, alcoholism, can be arrested by keeping myself in fit spiritual, mental, and emotional condition. As part of that I had to do a complete inventory of my character defects and learn how to manage them by first admitting all of them to another human being. If I left any out, I might die, I was told.
The point being, I felt I had to do a "confession" of sorts. And if I left anything out it could have dire consequences. I stressed over that for a couple years and finally developed a friendship and trust with a catholic priest. I spent 2 or 3 hours one night doing this and discussing "me" in sheer terror of what was to be divulged. He sat there with his eyes closed, sleeping I thought. Or maybe dead! from all that I admitted....
But I couldn't resist asking (He was used to hearing confessions for a living you know.......) "How many other people do that? Do this? How many other guys do that? I was shocked at the answers.

I was in the majority on everything. The seven deadly sins and every other malady have a firm hold in society. I was "normal". Other people lusted, cheated, stole, missed work, didn't fix their homes, you name it. I didn't shower and clean myself or my home. I don't remember the percentages, maybe he exaggerated, but like 50 or 60%, even 90% committed the same offenses I did. I learned I was very normal. I realized I really could change and be different or normal at my pace, cuz I'm just me and I'm just like most other people on most things. I think you probably are too.

What really was most amazing was that after we talked, I felt this tremendous weight off my shoulders. I wasn't burdened with guilt and fear and confusion over lots of things and I felt I could change the things that I felt I needed to at a pace that was comfortable for me. If you have a decent therapist they will help you to the same place. Or maybe we can help too. I talked about some of my thoughts with people when I could and eventually built up the courage until when I could talk to that priest. You can do the same by working on it at your pace. If it is something you want, you'll get there. There are perfectly normal and logical reasons for what you do. And there are perfectly logical ways to change and improve that too if that is what you want to do. Admitting it here is a great step.

Also I really like your choice of names. MeowMeow is great. Reminds me of my daughter. She's always texting me MeowMeow. That's her way of saying hi. So I wish you the best of luck and peace of mind in your journey. Take care.

 

[MeowMeow]

wow, thank you so much for sharing. It's so nice to know I'm not alone with this. I think this page will definitely help me gain confidence in opening up.

I have a lot of difficulty taking care of personal hygeine too--usually I don't shower until I feel...