How do you not take on other's "stuff".

[Deleted member 541]

@Recovery4Me Absolutely building self esteem is one of the biggest components to being able to not take on someone else's opinion of you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul Seriously????? You "think you're sorta smart?????" Try intelligent, wicked funny and you, just you. I know that liking ourselves takes time, but give yourself some credit. Along with tons of other people here whom I admire for their intelligence and sense of humor also.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Try intelligent, wicked funny and you, just you.

:shy: Well thank you!

It's hard to see it. But I moved from "stupid" to "sort of a little bit kind of maybe smart-ish" lol. So, hey, its a little step. :p

Shhh; im actually an undercover FBI agent here to rid the world of complete idoits one phone call at a time! :cool:

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul I'm really amazed that you took the compliment so well. Took me decades to be able to just say, "Thank You" when someone said something positive or did something nice for me. Then it took even longer to say it and actually mean it. I used to say, thank you, but blah, blah, blah and come up with 100 different reasons why I didn't deserve it in the first place. Now, it's just thank you with a smile....

So, drop the FBI crap, and just accept the compliment!!!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So, drop the FBI crap, and just accept the compliment!!!!

Haha, that was my redirct from the compliment. It is hard for me to take compliments too. My therapist and I worked on that as he is catching the "thank you but" and the redicts.

Blah, lots to work on.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

@lostforgottensoul YOU have pointed out ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY, A HUGE issue with me!!! I suspect it is VERY prominent in those of us who have C-PTSD.

I am STILL building a "me", after YEARS of not really knowing who "I" am. Really, how can we learn to "love", or even "like" who we are, if we don't know who we are?

YOU ARE SOOO NOT ALONE with this problem, or "puzzle". We are just learning to recognize when we "blow off" compliments, and we find ways to make sure that we aren't the center of attention. Sound familiar?

THANK YOU for giving "voice" to your issue...it is helping ME pinpoint how to explain the difficulties that I have when asked "what do you like to do"? Or, "what sounds fun to do?" Or, what is your favorite "______?"

You have a really good T! Keep up the good work!

To anyone who might "mock" silence...it's best to save your words for something you choose to say, rather than "rambling" just to fill the silence that some people are uncomfortable with. I think you sound quite special!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think you sound quite special!

Why thank you! :hug:

** Though that sounds like I take compliments well because I say thank you, in my head I am countering it like mad and i lower my head and bite my lower lip and kick a small rock...i dont know but think that might be shame? Like "if you really knew me you would think differently **

Today I came upon what feels like extreme sadness. Abandonment i am sure. But it is way more then that. A strong urge to cut. And im at work so its stronger than usual. All because one person that used to be, what I call, a good friend now hates me over i have no idea what. A slight missunderstanding that they took completely wrong. I thought we patched things up and were ok but nope..."don't ever talk to me again" was said. They make sure i know, everywhere, that they hate me and im a piece of shit...trash that need to be thrown to the curb. Worth nothing.

And now i noticed a few people that used to be great friends arent talking to me now. Avoiding me completely. Won't answer a text. Nothing. But, I heard they were talking and hanging with the one that hates me.

Like my family. One person hates me and that one get all others to hate me.

I'm sitting here on my lunch rocking myself and trying not to cut. Over what others thing and feel about me. I keep thinking about what i did wrong. What am i doing wrong? What's wrong with me that no one likes me?

God I f*cking hate this!!

ETA: I am also an extreme people pleaser. I want to please everyone all the time. I guess that plays into this.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((HUGS)))
You and I sure have a LOT in common! Like, "if you really knew me...etc" and being an extreme "people pleaser".

I PROMISE the situation at work is not about YOU specifically! This person who was a friend, sounds like someone (like a bully) that gets joy from back-stabbing and gossip. It makes me want to put on a cape, and fly by for a quick SMACK on the head!!!

Imagine WONDER WOMAN picking up those silly women acting like 5th graders in the workplace, and KNOCK their heads together! They are EVERYWHERE!!!

I have the self harm urge, too, sometimes. I have issues with abandonment and self-hate as well. I am SO SORRY that you do, too!

It's old garbage, and you ARE working with your T, so you aren't letting the old garbage play in your head all the time. Is there a way you can redirect your thoughts when the cutting thoughts creep in, or "land like a plane crash"?

I know that first, we have to recognize the trigger, before we get too close to choosing the OLD way of coping....

PLEASE, don't give in because of some stupid, VERY SMALL people! You are brave, funny, and a deep thinker! We know THEY aren't!!!

Sending you BLESSINGS and STRENGTH to KEEP ON THIS JOURNEY TO HEALTH!!!

AKJ
<Moderator edit to remove image. You can read more about this, here: Administrative - Posting Images: When Its Ok, And When It's Not.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

sounds like someone (like a bully) that gets joy from back-stabbing and gossip.

That's for damn sure! I don't even get what their f*cking issue is with me anyway. One little missunderstanding by me (oops, didn't mean to be human) that I tried to make right and now they are spreading shit all over the place. Whisper, whipser, whipser.

They haven't even tried to talk to me like an adult. Only nasty-grams. Nothing to try to work it out but to try to make me feel like the worst piece of shit on the planet...and then blocks my number so i can't reply to try to work it out. People can be so childish. I get that. Im getting stuck at the "no one likes me" shit.

I realize my black & white thinking (everyone/no one) is back. Gotta work on that. It just feels so horrible and makes me want to just go away in a dark corner and isolate myself. It people hate me so much then I'll just go away so I don't bother anyone anymore.

ETA: Oh, love the wonder woman!

 

[Recovery4Me]

I am so glad that you wish to please everyone :clown:, because I have an request *coughs*. Look at your back posts and see how often your 'I' becomes lower case when you try to respect yourself! :grumpy: I mean I could quote them and be an obnoxious arsh but what I am trying to get across ;) IS respecting oneself by using capital 'I' next to an self acclaim or self recognition is a major step forward. So trust me...lol or just please me:clown:...I do not care... just so you respect yourself more.:roflmao::hug::hug:

And you are allowed to say,"No!!!" as a step forward to my request as well.;):laugh:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Ya know what??? WE are on YOUR SIDE, and there's a LOT MORE of US, than THEM!!!

I KNOW it's hard, but REALLY, REALLY try to realize that they are VERY small people, and KARMA BITES!!!

One day... you probably won't be there to see it...but they will "pay a price" for their behavior. I believe that with ALL MY HEART!!!:hug:

I am a "black.and white" thinker, too! It is VERY HARD to overcome!!!

 

[joeylittle]

You wrote that you were working on shortening a phrase, and at the end of the paragraph you said this:

I am allowing what other people think of me to impact what I think of me.

It occurs to me that a slight tweak might make it what you are looking for..."whether or not I allow my sense of self to be rocked by what other people think of me is my choice to make, and I can choose to let it go"

(I'm looking for empowering language that also feels 'soft' and soothing, instead of hard and defending.)

All because one person that used to be, what I call, a good friend now hates me over i have no idea what. A slight missunderstanding that they took completely wrong.

I wonder what would happen if you removed the word 'hate' from your personal vocabulary for a week, as a beginning of practicing being nonjudgmental in event descriptions.

There's a big difference between the quote above and '...a good friend now isn't speaking to me over a misunderstanding.'

Removing judgement from event descriptions is a process that takes practice - but it's a little like always only going with the facts at hand. Isn't speaking to me is what the friend is doing (action), and it's observable. 'Hates' is what the friend is feeling, which you can't really know. It's also just a big bottomless pit of a word, and it makes things seem bigger than they are.

Calling it a 'slight misunderstanding' is trying to minimize the event. Misunderstanding is all you need there.

'That they took completely wrong' is exaggeration, because of 'completely'. 'Wrong' is a way of defending yourself, but it's by trying to mid-read the other person, which is usually just not productive.

I know this sounds very semantic, but how we think about things directly correlates to how we feel about them. You have to change how you think to change how you feel and act.

That's for damn sure! I don't even get what their f*cking issue is with me anyway. One little missunderstanding by me (oops, didn't mean to be human) that I tried to make right and now they are spreading shit all over the place. Whisper, whipser, whipser.

I realize my black & white thinking (everyone/no one) is back. Gotta work on that. It just feels so horrible and makes me want to just go away in a dark corner and isolate myself. It people hate me so much then I'll just go away so I don't bother anyone anymore.

It's great that you caught the black and white thinking here. Getting sucked into judging the person that you think judged you is never going to go well. It's cultivating defense as a coping strategy, when really the coping strategy needs to be about disengagement. Your'e also accidentally magnifying the situation again with 'spreading shit all over the place'. Even if it's as far reaching as 'they are writing negative statements about me on post-it notes and putting them up at seemingly random spots throughout the building.'...my hope would be that you can 'feel' the difference in the two thoughts. One is rooted in emotion; the other in observation.

So back to the proposal - you could try and not use the word 'hate' at all for seven days. The words that are really common for us that we use reflexively, can be worked on just by introducing a rule that you can't use that word. You can use another word - but ideally, most of the time you will replace 'hate' with what is being done, not felt.

'I hate it when I miss the bus' vs 'I get angry with myself when I miss the bus' vs 'My stomach clenches when I miss the bus' vs. 'I judge myself when I miss the bus'...everyone's is gonna be a little different. There's no right/wrong answer. Sometimes, it is about using a more specific synonym (get angry at instead of hate) - sometimes it's about other observables.

And just the act of stopping and replacing forces you to step back a tiny bit and analyze the situation, without you having to work too hard. It just happens.

It was a helpful exercise for me, anyway.