The Pain Of Positive Attention?

[amosmorris]

Have you clarified this with your T? What I am trying to ask - is could it be that your fear implic...

I think you're understanding @Recovery4Me --that it's self-esteem and self-worth are shaping my core beliefs/fears. And as for the other piece--"fully"--I suppose it's true we can't except anyone to be a be all/end all, it's true-- (if I'm understanding your interpretation correctly!). :)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Whew...just checking in to make sure you were kind to you. Thanks.:tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Don't our experiences & what we learn form our core beliefs, which we act on, and that is what affects our self-esteem/ self-worth? (The other way around.) :confused: (Totally confused.)

 

[Sideways]

Actually today I think my T used the term "core beliefs"..

The ones I listed are all from the 18 core 'Schemas'. Psychologists have sat down and identified these inbuilt fears, named them, described them, and put them into a tidy little list for us. They've found that for people with a history of trauma, there are usually multiple of these core fears/beliefs operating at once, and different situations can trigger particular ones to flair up and make us think and behave in pretty dysfunctional ways.

Interesting to me anyways:rolleyes: When I think about my issues with compliments these days, I can usually tell "Ooh, there's my Shame schema at work" or whichever one is a problem. That means I can work on it, and hopefully with a bit of neuroplasticity, ultimately change it to something more functional.

 

[Sideways]

I thought this above quote was healthy as it used the word 'fully'?!

As my T would say, 'this is the Emotional Deprivation' schema - the belief that we can't rely on others to meet our emotional needs...!

 

[Tinyflame]

We can? Lol . Not in my world, not even 'family'.

 

[Recovery4Me]

It is the word 'fully' as in absolutely that I have been steered away from by my T(s)
that is unrealistic when we are an autonomous adult to expect another to satisfy our complete emotional need set. I was taught that job starts within ourselves. To fully depend on another to satisfy one's total emotional need set (by direct or indirect methods) is a sign of an possible codependence label (per 12 Steps as well as my T's).

Yet that is not the same (for me) as lacking the capability to connect authentically, intimately, lovingly nor stops me from having realistic expectations of some of my emotional need sets being met from those that are trustworthy or whom I have a trusting and healthy relationship with.

So I do not challenge the work anyone else is doing with their T's just realizing that some of our sessions may contain different thoughts via therapist.

 

[Tinyflame]

unrealistic when we are an autonomous adult to expect another to satisfy our complete emotional need set

I agree with this.

nor stops me from having realistic expectations of some of my emotional need sets being met from those that are trustworthy or whom I have a trusting and healthy relationship with.

I have failed at that.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Junebug ...:hug::hug: sweetie it takes two ... not always your cross to bear

 

[aut555]

Have really mixed reactions on this. To me, predators use niceties and compliments to get the victim to drop their guard and get close to them. So l don't feel comfortable with general compliments. But if delivered in a professional context, then it's ok. Am l worthy of these comments, it depends. Now l listen better to the criticism without taking it so personally, that l had to learn, because of abusive family member that always criticized me from an early age.

 

[Hanala]

I can totally relate. I think it comes from a place of self loathing but also from the fact that my parents tore me down and my abuser was the only one who 'complimented' me (as a means of grooming). So I honestly don't know how to feel when someone compliments me because half of me is like 'how could you think that, I suck' and the other half is feeling really anxious/triggered/uncomfortable. And then the person is super insulted/thinks you're so weird because you 'can't even take a compliment' and are therefore rude

 

[Ronin]

My difficulty with positive attention is mostly two fold A, I will let whoever complimented me down, B, they compliment me, meaning they care for me, and if they care for me, shit out of luck, they'll be away as everyone else who cared for me / I care for.

& Then a lot of twisted bonding with care meaning something entirely different, but in normal situations, it's that. Fear of failure, need to run so I can't fail the people by being near them.

This was quite diffcult to write, & think of. I'll come to this later.