Hello looking for your much appreciated guidance. I am wise enough now to see something coming a mile of and its time to nip it in the bud. I don't need a degree to know as a result of being abandoned by my mother as a child I have always had the unconscious tendency to attract and latch on to mother figures. Sounds sweet but it never is really they always seem to end up following a similar pattern. They always end up feeling abusive and energy stealing and this can be a two way street so its just as much about protecting them as my self. Its happening again with a colleague in work . its always the case that they obviously have some traumas of there own ..just like mother and I end up falling into this rescuer role with them..as my mother was an addict and would use me to meet her own needs..I would love to learn about how this happens and how to start reversing it.
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A Little Bit Of History Repeating
- Post starter IamFree
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Hi Terry. From what you describe, it sounds as if you and your mom have had a codependent relationship which now you are recreating. I would suggest picking up a book such as The New Codependency by Melody Beattie or any other good book on the subject. I too was stuck in a codependent relationship with my mother for years. It's a wonderful feeling when you finally break free of the pattern and you will.
I think your on the right path. You can see the signs, now set your boundaries. We can't save people, only ourselves. You can support people and share your strength but don't give it away. Because it will leave you burnt out with no energy for yourself. You need to stop internalizing their problems because you can't fix them. They have to be the ones to fix themselves. You can only fix yourself. Playing the supporter roll your not helping anyone if your taking on someone else's life issues. As a child you don't have much of a choice. You don't have the skills to set boundaries. But it's something you can learn anytime in life. I feel some
of us fall into the recuse roll, do to our personalitys and sensitivity. Some make it a career choice. But
Setting boundaries can keep us safe. It can look something like this.
I'm willing to listen if you need to talk
and give you my opinion and advice
if that what you need. But if you keep
talking about the same thing and not trying to change anything, you keep going in a circle. I can't support you
because your not going anywhere.
I'm working on my own life issues and I'll support you when I can but I
need my own strength and time for myself. Meaning, today my energy is low, it's not that I don't care I just can't talk today ,ect. Taking a break is caring because if you don't, resentment kicks in.
Sometimes sharing things you've learned can help others, but they have to want it. I hope this helps or make sense :)
of us fall into the recuse roll, do to our personalitys and sensitivity. Some make it a career choice. But
Setting boundaries can keep us safe. It can look something like this.
I'm willing to listen if you need to talk
and give you my opinion and advice
if that what you need. But if you keep
talking about the same thing and not trying to change anything, you keep going in a circle. I can't support you
because your not going anywhere.
I'm working on my own life issues and I'll support you when I can but I
need my own strength and time for myself. Meaning, today my energy is low, it's not that I don't care I just can't talk today ,ect. Taking a break is caring because if you don't, resentment kicks in.
Sometimes sharing things you've learned can help others, but they have to want it. I hope this helps or make sense :)
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- #4
Thanks for all the advice so far I have taken something from it..yes its all about the boundaries..The challenge with me and setting boundaries is not doing it in a way which is dramatic and damaging for everyone involved. I have learned how this actually perpetuates the cycle as you just end up looking like the bad guy feeling all guilty and having to apoligise and then out of frustration of not knowing what to do it seems easier just to give in and accept the situation.
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Coming from a mostly healthy relationship with my mom, and having a mostly healthy relationship with my own son... It doesn't sound sweet latching onto mother figures. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Why? Because that's an inequal relationship. You're walking into peer relationships, placing the other person above you. For one thing, as you're not a child, they have no impetus to protect you / put your needs above their own / assume the role of someone who is actually a mother. For another, putting people up on pedestals? Rarely works, and often ends badly. People don't like being up on pedestals, as a rule. It's restrictive, confining, and hugely limiting. It denies them their freedom to act in any way which is not narrowly confined to this tiny little block of arbitrarily defined behavior, decided upon by someone else. So not only will hey be going about their normal life, refusing to stay up on that pedestal you want them on -disappointing you- but many people will often get deliberately antagonistic about it. Because they don't want to be on that pedestal. And will actively push back against attempts to place them on it.
But mostly it's coming into a relationship (professional or personal) that you've decided from the outset is inequal.
Foundationally inequal relationships (parent child, adult child, teacher student, boss employee, priest supplicant, etc.) are all strictly codified to protect both parties. It doesn't mean that abuses don't happen. Clearly. But whether it's a social or legal construct? It acknowledges the high potential for abuse, and attempts to minimize it. The inequality only exists in a very narrow range of applications (the child grows up, the student graduates, the employee can quit /or be promoted /or go home from work). Outside of those constraints? I'm an adult. My mother has no power over me. I'm not at work. My boss has no power over me. Same token, the powers they do have? Are also limited. And codified. People still abuse or take advantage of those in their power, but it's considered both wrong AND there's recourse. Because the duties are clearly laid out
None of those -and other- safety measures exist, when you're the one placing another person above you. As you're finding.
The trick, IME? Stop placing people on pedestals. Even bosses, priests, cops, judges, etc. are still just normal people -that you are completely equal to- who are fulfilling a role. Your boss may outrank you at work, but nowhere else. Priest may outrank you on church, but nowhere else. These mother figures? Don't outrank you. They're just normal people. That you can still learn from, respect, like, enjoy... Without popping them onto the mother-pedestal, or trying to enact a relationship that doesn't exist.
One way to stop doing that? Change the wording. Might sound meaningless, but there is a huge difference between a mother and a mentor. If someone is a mother to you? That's very different than if someone is a mentor to you.
But mostly it's coming into a relationship (professional or personal) that you've decided from the outset is inequal.
Foundationally inequal relationships (parent child, adult child, teacher student, boss employee, priest supplicant, etc.) are all strictly codified to protect both parties. It doesn't mean that abuses don't happen. Clearly. But whether it's a social or legal construct? It acknowledges the high potential for abuse, and attempts to minimize it. The inequality only exists in a very narrow range of applications (the child grows up, the student graduates, the employee can quit /or be promoted /or go home from work). Outside of those constraints? I'm an adult. My mother has no power over me. I'm not at work. My boss has no power over me. Same token, the powers they do have? Are also limited. And codified. People still abuse or take advantage of those in their power, but it's considered both wrong AND there's recourse. Because the duties are clearly laid out
None of those -and other- safety measures exist, when you're the one placing another person above you. As you're finding.
The trick, IME? Stop placing people on pedestals. Even bosses, priests, cops, judges, etc. are still just normal people -that you are completely equal to- who are fulfilling a role. Your boss may outrank you at work, but nowhere else. Priest may outrank you on church, but nowhere else. These mother figures? Don't outrank you. They're just normal people. That you can still learn from, respect, like, enjoy... Without popping them onto the mother-pedestal, or trying to enact a relationship that doesn't exist.
One way to stop doing that? Change the wording. Might sound meaningless, but there is a huge difference between a mother and a mentor. If someone is a mother to you? That's very different than if someone is a mentor to you.
- Post starter
- #6
yes indeed and I think the good think about not putting people on pedestels is that as well as them not having to be what you want them to be you do not have to be what you think they want you to me.
- Post starter
- #7
I am in some pain right now. I am setting the boundaries with this colleague I am not trying to rescue anymore...everyone is gossiping about her drinking problem...I am being flooded with the emotions and memorys of how I always used to try and rescue her from her heroin addiction. When I was just ten years old I wrote her a letter begging her not to go back on drugs. when I was a teenager I baby sat her through her cold turkeying but she was always going back..now I have this scenario playing out before me which seems oh so similar. how do I care without trying to rescue.
- Post starter
- #8
I did not elaborate I used to try and save mother from heroin addiction
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