Demented Grandma - Part Ii

[Casey_03]

So I posted a couple days ago about my horror at discovering how bad my 95-year-old grandmother is (she's completely delusional and a threat to my baby). Since I don't have enough money to move out, I've started trying to figure out why she's not getting any proper care in the first place.

Turns out her doctor evaluated her a few months ago and said she only needed brief visits from a nurse two days a week -- which is absolutely ridiculous. I don't know what that doctor was on, or if her condition just rapidly declined since then. She insists on moving around the house constantly, yet she can barely hold herself up. She falls constantly. Suffers from paranoid delusions about her children trying to kill her. Has no idea how old she is or who other people are. Cannot use the bathroom herself - there is poo smeared everywhere in the bathroom. Can't bathe herself. Can't take her medications on her own. Can't feed herself.

And yet no one has thought to get her more care. So here I am, trying to figure out what the hell happened to make people think she doesn't need full-time care. Turns out -- no one wants to pay for it. Her insurance won't cover it, so any more intensive care would have to be private and would hve to be paid for by whoever wants it. I called her children to ask why the hell this has even been allowed to happen, and was told, "Don't get involved or you'll just end up getting her put in a home."

Well isn't that better than having her here with no care? Where she'll almost certainly fall down the stairs and die? Also, since I am the one living with her, if something does happen, I'm pretty sure I can face elder abuse charges or something, for not doing something about this.

I've been tricked into this damn situation by family members who apparently want me to take the fall for all this.

 

[Casey_03]

I guess my main question here is -- can I be reported for some form of neglect if I don't inform social services? My relatives made it very clear they don't want me to take any action and that if I do, I will be homeless with the baby

 

[Friday]

I guess my main question here is -- can I be reported for some form of neglect if I don't inform socia...

Yep. Actually you can be charged with elder abuse for not reporting it.

 

[Casey_03]

That's what I feared. Guess I will have to go back to Ukraine after all. After I report my own family.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 you don't have to back to the Ukraine, you can call Elder Serivices and report the abuse to them. They will not hold you responsible because you have just arrived and have been trying to sort it all out,.... you explain everything, they will come, make an evaluation and make demands on the family...

 

[Casey_03]

I will still have to leave because my family made it very clear I cannot stay in their house if I report this

 

[Friday]

They will not hold you responsible because you have just arrived and have been trying to sort it all out,....

Exactly.

 

[Friday]

I will still have to leave because my family made it very clear I cannot stay in their house if I repo...

That doesn't mean you *have* to go back to the Ukraine.

If you want to? Sure. But you're in the same situation there, as here, right? Or do they have better emergency social services for young mothers? (Emergency housing, food aid, WIC, etc.)

When you report the situation your grandmother is in? I would also make your own situation clear to the social workers. (Just flew here from Ukraine, new baby, family threatening you of you report it, no money, etc.) They're totally different departments, but same field, and IME in addition to helping your grandmother, can also at least point you in the right direction -if not placing a few calls and getting balls & court orders rolling- to help you. It's not an uncommon situation, unfortunately, that a vulnerable familiy member is blackmailed into not reporting what's happening with another vulnerable family member.

I should also add... While I chose to raise my child in the US, this isn't my favorite country in the world -and quite frankly- I should have taken him to the Balkans 5 years ago to avoid custody extradition, and curse myself for not having done. So I really have no dog in the fight of where you "should" be. Here, there, makes no matter to me :) Wherever you want to be, is where I cast my vote. Just raising practicality questions.

 

[Casey_03]

I can't apply for any emergency social services for myself without a social security # for the baby, for which I now have to re-apply because they apparently screwed something up. I spent all day today talking to them about this. It will take another two months to get that #. And I don't have time to wait. I have a much better chance of surviving in Ukraine on the salary I get than I would ever have here. Here, I do not have enough for rent anywhere; there I'd have enough for rent and food and other necessities. So, back I go. What a massive waste of time and money this all was.

 

[Casey_03]

I guess this will just have to be another (darkly) amusing chapter in my memoirs

 

[Silver.]

how are you going to get the funds to go back there if you spent them all getting here? do you really want to be back closer to your son's father, the awful doctors? the rotten landlord? wouldn't you still have to get security and deposit on a place over there?
it sounds like your grandmother's condition has turned into alzheimer's. they cannot just kick you out on the street, no matter what they tell you, there are eviction laws, even if you don't have a lease. you have proof of coming over here, to help out, that is enough.
try and think through this calmly and surely there must be some solution other than to just pack up and leave, perhaps you can go to a local social security office and get better results than dealing over the phone with someone?
x

 

[Casey_03]

@Silver. I wouldn't be closer to my son's father -- he doesn't live in Ukraine. My next paycheck (which I'll get in the next couple days) would be enough to fly me back to Ukraine and rent an apartment. Rent there is about 200 a month, and you can find it without a deposit. In the long run, in the States, I might be able to find an apartment but I wouldn't be able to cover all expenses with my salary. But in Ukraine I'd have no problem covering everything on my pay. At the end of the day, I can find a new landlord and new doctors in Ukraine. Sure, I could stay here -- but then I'd end up being dependent on other people, which is exactly what I do not want. I was fully independent in Ukraine, and I have the chance to get back to that point and get away from these toxic people.