Ptsd And Self Centered Friends..

[Oceanya]

Ever felt like you have so much to say and share but nobody to talk to? Nobody who can really understand or care about them and enough to listen?

Besides all the ''in my own world'' buddies I've had in the past and the couple of friends that betrayed me in the past, my new show time ''friend'' is someone who up until recently I felt as if she;'s a real friend. But lately I keep doubting. For very simple reasons.

She shows very concerning signs of a self absorbed personality.

For a while we were talking about only her due to a tough time she was through. And that's ok because that's what friends are for. However the tough time is mostly over but even if it wasn't, whenever we talk we will talk only about HER. Whether it's about an actual problem, her daily stuff, her friends, her job, her thoughts,etc.. It's always about HER. At the end of the convo she will say the obligatory typical and cold ''what about you?'', that is just as lame as it sounds.

If I EVER get a chance to talk about myself, it will last for approximately 4-5 minutes and I will then feel as if I've ''overtalked'' my time. Her behaviour and ''bored out of my mind'' responses make me feel as if I'm tiring her by talking about me instead of listening to her talking nonstop about her. And the best part? She has this incredible ability to turn every single conversation back to herself. It's amazing..I will talk about something that has to do with me, for example, and SOMEHOW she will turn the conversation to herself..how on earth does she do that?

The cherry on the top? Two nights ago we were talking and I tried telling her about something that had to do with me (one of those rare occasions), and suddenly she did it..tried to turn the convo back to her. So I sort of ''teasingly'' told her off and returned the convo back to its original point. Well..the next day (yesterday), I sent her a message to which she replied coldly..then she made no effort to have a convo with me..and last night when I was uploading pics and quotes about depression and shame (she knows about my situation), because I was in one of my 'dark moods', she was ONLINE and active and made absolutely no effort to ask if I'm ok..chat with me..or just send a text.

She was online and even hit the like button on some of my posts but didn't make any effort to check up on me..keep in mind that whenever I even feel as if she's not okay I will always make sure to at least ask her about it..and yesterday I felt as if I was being ''punished'' by her by receiving the cold shoulder..I was beyond pissed off.

Today, just a couple hours back, she sent me a random message with 2 sticker emoticons or some sh@t. Just that..nothing else. Not asking how I am, or saying hi or whatever. Of course I made sure to mark the message as unread and didn't reply. I'm trying to show her that a) she won't be able to take me for granted and b) that these little cold tactics will not work with me.

I've just about had it with all the self centered narcisstic people around me. I'm tired and in need of quality time with genuine people and at least one true equal friend..not people who make me feel as if I'm not even worthy of their time.

So sick of this sh@t..

 

[Leni]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, but the reality is that she doesn't owe you anything and you can't really expect anything of her. She is not ignoring you, she is responding to you and keeping in contact ... just respect it. If you want to talk to her, contact her, tell her that. You can't complain about her not reading your mind and doing exactly what you want her to.

If it really bothers you so much that she talks a lot about herself and makes everything about her, then perhaps you should get a break from her or stop seeing her so much. But it doesn't feel like you want that.

Maybe she just has lots to say and share and nobody to talk to.

 

[dulcia]

I'm trying to show her that a) she won't be able to take me for granted and b) that these little cold tactics will not work with me.

Sometimes with that, it needs to be more than just *shown* but needs to be directly *told*. I tried to have a conversation with a similar friend and she didn't take it seriously. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore.

 

[Oceanya]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, but the reality is that she doesn't owe you anything and you can't re...

No she doesn't ''owe'' me anything. But I think many people have a very misguided notion of what friendship is supposed to be like. Friendship is not about chatting whenever we feel like chatting each other up and feeling grateful that someone remembered to chat with us. Friendship is two sided. Your notion of what she ''should be doing'' as a friend makes me think that you think I should be grateful she even talks to me. A friendship needs participation from both sides not just one. If I wanted someone to just occasionally ''chat'' with, I have the web for it and millions of strangers who are willing to chat daily about various stuff. When I have a friend, especially a friend, I expect more than that and I don't deserve to be made to feel as if I'm not worthy of their time. I never said she ignores me in general. I said she ignores me whenever she doesn't have much to say about herself and lately when she gave me the cold shoulder which was inexcusable. Yes she might have stuff to say for her but so do I. And in a friendship, when only one person speaks, we're not talking about a friendship, we're talking about a monologue, a solo play with an audience. And believe me she has plenty of people to talk to about her problems. That's all she does.That;s the reality. I'm sorry that you have the wrong notion of what friendship is and I feel like you didn't really pay close attention to my post but don't try to convince me that I shouldn't ''complain'' for my supposed friend's absense. THAT is the reality. Anyway I guess we disagree on that. Thanks for your reply in any case.

 

[Oceanya]

Sometimes with that, it needs to be more than just *shown* but needs to be directly *told*. I tried...

Yeah I'm beginning to feel that's what I need to do. In fact the next time she texts me I'm going to tell her right away about it. If she is willing to be a real friend she is going to understand and try to correct it, if she isn't then I guess it will be a goodbye. Sorry you had this experience too. :)

Update: Doing this right now on chat lol.

 

[dulcia]

Yeah I'm beginning to feel that's what I need to do. In fact the next time she texts me I'm going to te...

Good luck! And friends can always take breaks too ;)

 

[The Albatross]

People, with all due respect, define friendship individually. Ultimately it comes down to what your expectations are, what theirs are and if you can meet in the middle. Either it is rectified/salvaged or not. I learned really early not to stand or rather attempt to stand on what my perceptions of friendship are... we are dealing with individuals not an agreed upon definition, eh?

 

[dulcia]

Ultimately it comes down to what your expectations are, what theirs are and if you can meet in the middle.

Agreed.

 

[The Albatross]

Basic principles of a spectrum disorder... where is best to play a basketball game for instance... from mid court. Be mindful, be conscious, be strategic, be aware, very - of what you want to actualize and how you get there and also what is a deal breaker and what is not. But it is not "feelings" it is conscious actualization that will best serve. (upping the ante in some ways but if you pause you just might see it?)

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. I needed to find ways to navigate a world way before I knew I had PTSD. I learned I didn't like consequences... which made it more necessary to examine my own perception of events and how to interact. We are a small percentage yet we want the same as all others. Adapt/manage with tools, develop skill sets.

 

[The Albatross]

Disagree... "if she is a 'real' friend".. friends come with their own foibles, warts and faults. It is a mutual thing not a test.

I think I would examine the real priority here... is it about you... or friendship?

 

[Oceanya]

Disagree... "if she is a 'real' friend".. friends come with their own foibles, warts and faults. I...

You generalize it a bit too much. Friendship is a type of relationship. Healthy and actual relationships require participation from both sides. It isnt a matter of how each person perceives it... you either have an equal friendship with someone or you don't. I never said people dont have flaws or that friendship is a test but I am surprised that you doubt the very basic meaning of friendship. Why on earth do we even discuss whether a friendship is mutual or not? I'm not discussing about a chat buddy... what point have we reached that we doubt the meaning of basic relationships..