NotApplicable
Bronze Member
I dont know if anyone can give me an advice or even if i don need one, i think i just need to vent and maybe telling it to someone who can understands will help me feel more validated..
{side note that im in therapy for a year now for bpd}
3 weeks ago i started feeling an overwhelming anxiety. It was friday and i started getting less and less sleep, getting very irritated with everything, beeing more on edge than usual. By Monday evening everything got progressively worse. My whole jaw was hurting up until my ears, i was so exhausted, i was getting max 3 hrs sleep at night, i was shaking and barely talk. On Tuesday morning I texted my psychiatrist to call me when he can and he usually replies within few hours to tell me an hour that we can talk. He didn't. I tried to call him multiple times but i wasnt getting any response. By 6pm i called my therapist and told her what was going on. By that point i could barely walk too. She told me that he will reply but if he doesn't by 8pm i should go to a mental hospital ER. And i did. the psychiatrist who saw me told me that i was having a mental breakdown (or nervous) and i laughed because i thought it was something that only it movies it happens. He increased my medication for just that night as I was going to talk with my psychiatrist at some point the following day. The next day my psychiatist asked me to go in between his session to check on me and arrange my meds. He agreed on the mental breakdown and explained that people with severe anxiety disorders can have it. He icreased zoloft to 200mg and Traxene to 10/10/20mg. He also insisted on starting PE but as i have bpd and ive been suicidal since i was 14, there is no chance any time soon i will be stable enough to start it outpatient and be safe.
He suggested hospitalization for 4-5 weeks so i can start PE inpatient and when im stable to continue outpatient and then he suggested mood stabilizers (lithium, depakote and topamax was the options). He never forces me on anything, so he said i should go home do my reasearch think about it, talk with my therapist and call him the following week to let him know what ive decided. I wanted none of these options.
Two weeks ago i went back home because i had uni midterms. Everything got progressively worse with my exam anxiety to top everything up. I couldn't focus, I was crying with the simplest things, I was doing daily bulimic episodes, i had suicide and self harm urges that i could manage or so i thought. Last week while i was studying unconsiously i was hitting with the top of a bottle my upper lip. I only realise that i was doing it when i was covered in blood. It was sunday evening and i decided that this cant go any longer and i do need the medication. I called a close friend who's a psychiatrist back home. She told me that i was taking topamax for 8 months and wasn't working for me, Lithium is not an option because is so toxic and i can't afford to pay monthly for blood tests and depakote, i overdose and had to induced me on coma because i was going to die. So she said, she doesnt recommend any. She told me she was the er on call that night and that she was either going to admit me or got to her house and sleep with her under her supervision. So i did.
On Monday i called my doctor and told him what was happening. He said i either take the first plane and come back and admit me to the hospital or i will stay with my current medication, finish my exams but be 24hrs under supervision. He also aked my permission to have a meeting with my therapist and the supervisor of dbt especially for me to decide how they should proceed because he said they need to sort my medication but they dont want me to have medication on me. He suggested hospitalization until we figure out the correct medication and for me to calm down. He also suggested abilify in depot form but its 300 euros per month.
The following week i was sleeping with my friend, her on one couch, me on the couch next to her. I kept waking up either screeming or in flashbacks and one night i woke up with her holding me and telling me that im safe and that im with her. It was A MESS.
Week 4 now and yesterday i came back (to the country that i have therapy). I had therapy last night and i dont remember anything beside her telling me that she is not informed of anything by my doctor and they will probably discuss everything on Tuesday evening. She told me that next week we will have double session and that we will talk 5 minutes about trauma. Then i remember her telling me to go sit on the sitting room for a while to calm down before i leave. I remember not feeling safe at all. Next thing i recall is me sitting on the floor, hands on my ears, shaking and my therapist above me telling me to either try to talk and tell her how i feel or she will call an ambulance. I was in her sitting room for 4 hours and i dont recall anything.
Today i can barely get out of bed, im very tearful and every time i try to walk i feel like im walking on electricity (?) like i get a shock on my hands, feet tongue or neck. Its so bizzare. Im so so petriefied.
Sorry for the long post. Again i dont need advice my team is fully aware and im in communication with them. If you have a similar experience please share though <3
{side note that im in therapy for a year now for bpd}
3 weeks ago i started feeling an overwhelming anxiety. It was friday and i started getting less and less sleep, getting very irritated with everything, beeing more on edge than usual. By Monday evening everything got progressively worse. My whole jaw was hurting up until my ears, i was so exhausted, i was getting max 3 hrs sleep at night, i was shaking and barely talk. On Tuesday morning I texted my psychiatrist to call me when he can and he usually replies within few hours to tell me an hour that we can talk. He didn't. I tried to call him multiple times but i wasnt getting any response. By 6pm i called my therapist and told her what was going on. By that point i could barely walk too. She told me that he will reply but if he doesn't by 8pm i should go to a mental hospital ER. And i did. the psychiatrist who saw me told me that i was having a mental breakdown (or nervous) and i laughed because i thought it was something that only it movies it happens. He increased my medication for just that night as I was going to talk with my psychiatrist at some point the following day. The next day my psychiatist asked me to go in between his session to check on me and arrange my meds. He agreed on the mental breakdown and explained that people with severe anxiety disorders can have it. He icreased zoloft to 200mg and Traxene to 10/10/20mg. He also insisted on starting PE but as i have bpd and ive been suicidal since i was 14, there is no chance any time soon i will be stable enough to start it outpatient and be safe.
He suggested hospitalization for 4-5 weeks so i can start PE inpatient and when im stable to continue outpatient and then he suggested mood stabilizers (lithium, depakote and topamax was the options). He never forces me on anything, so he said i should go home do my reasearch think about it, talk with my therapist and call him the following week to let him know what ive decided. I wanted none of these options.
Two weeks ago i went back home because i had uni midterms. Everything got progressively worse with my exam anxiety to top everything up. I couldn't focus, I was crying with the simplest things, I was doing daily bulimic episodes, i had suicide and self harm urges that i could manage or so i thought. Last week while i was studying unconsiously i was hitting with the top of a bottle my upper lip. I only realise that i was doing it when i was covered in blood. It was sunday evening and i decided that this cant go any longer and i do need the medication. I called a close friend who's a psychiatrist back home. She told me that i was taking topamax for 8 months and wasn't working for me, Lithium is not an option because is so toxic and i can't afford to pay monthly for blood tests and depakote, i overdose and had to induced me on coma because i was going to die. So she said, she doesnt recommend any. She told me she was the er on call that night and that she was either going to admit me or got to her house and sleep with her under her supervision. So i did.
On Monday i called my doctor and told him what was happening. He said i either take the first plane and come back and admit me to the hospital or i will stay with my current medication, finish my exams but be 24hrs under supervision. He also aked my permission to have a meeting with my therapist and the supervisor of dbt especially for me to decide how they should proceed because he said they need to sort my medication but they dont want me to have medication on me. He suggested hospitalization until we figure out the correct medication and for me to calm down. He also suggested abilify in depot form but its 300 euros per month.
The following week i was sleeping with my friend, her on one couch, me on the couch next to her. I kept waking up either screeming or in flashbacks and one night i woke up with her holding me and telling me that im safe and that im with her. It was A MESS.
Week 4 now and yesterday i came back (to the country that i have therapy). I had therapy last night and i dont remember anything beside her telling me that she is not informed of anything by my doctor and they will probably discuss everything on Tuesday evening. She told me that next week we will have double session and that we will talk 5 minutes about trauma. Then i remember her telling me to go sit on the sitting room for a while to calm down before i leave. I remember not feeling safe at all. Next thing i recall is me sitting on the floor, hands on my ears, shaking and my therapist above me telling me to either try to talk and tell her how i feel or she will call an ambulance. I was in her sitting room for 4 hours and i dont recall anything.
Today i can barely get out of bed, im very tearful and every time i try to walk i feel like im walking on electricity (?) like i get a shock on my hands, feet tongue or neck. Its so bizzare. Im so so petriefied.
Sorry for the long post. Again i dont need advice my team is fully aware and im in communication with them. If you have a similar experience please share though <3
