DID Shame and fear of dissociated parts

[theshadowoftheliving]

I don't want it to be real.

I know some of my 'parts' (which panic when they're told they're just a part and not completely real) and I know what some are about. The little girl who holds fear and hurt, for example. I can feel sympathy and compassion for her, and understand why she came into being.

But then there is this other part. She just appeared, or came out, but she makes so much sense now, and she's scaring me because I'm so ashamed of her. She's written in my journal, some, and says she's the part that came out to help me have sex when I couldn't handle it. Okay, fine. But when she comes out, she's super sexual. Like, really sexual. I know she was the part that dated my ex. And I know she's frustrated because I haven't dated for years now.

I'm so ashamed of her behavior. And she's started to show up in therapy and I'm so scared of what she might do or say. I have these phantom memories when she comes out, of me rolling on the floor, of me acting super sexual towards my therapist, and I'm so ashamed but I can't control it.

All I want to do is hurt her now.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I don't know how parts work for someone with separate personalities.

If you acknowledged her, and validated her, would she calm down?

Kind of like how a child acts out even more when ignored.

I say this as someone who has done inner child work and it helped me with my inner child.

:hug:

 

[Sideways]

Got one of those. And I think maybe a lot of us do. The part that deals with sex.

Hate her. I'm allowed to say that because the feeling is mutual.

We're trying to get along, and it's really hard, because when people talk about Shame? I think of her and the way she handles sexual situations.

It's a learning process, for me and her. She's trying to take on board that her way of "solving" situations is unhelpful and dangerous. I'm trying to learn that she's the one that gets me home safe when I'm somewhere that really is dangerous.

She has a purpose. She has value. With regular people we don't like? We don't go anywhere near them. Unfortunately, building a relationship with this part of us is non-negotiable. So diplomacy, communication, patience, listening to each other... and a whole lotta time out from each other on a regular basis!

There is nothing to be ashamed of in the way this part learned to cope woth intolerable situations, and it's logical that her coping style would then be applied every time she feels unsafe. So let's try and make them feel safe, and forgive ourselves for the fact that we are mere humans, struggling to cope in a world that was overwhelmingly unsafe for us for a very long time.

 

[pixel]

Got one.
Hate her.
Ditto @Ragdoll Circus said.

She had me hauled up before HR recently for inappropriate behaviour at work — stuff i had absolutely NO recollection of doing.

If your part is currently sexually active, you may like to consider using contraception. I know that's awful to even consider, but it's a way of looking after your body.

@theshadowoftheliving its excellent she has shown up in therapy! that means your T can communicate with her, liase for you and help create a plan on using the body.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

My husband has one .. a "sexual" alter whom we call "Femmy" .. Let's just say .. we have had to be very creative and forthcoming with one another. My husband thought it would be a relationship deal-breaker once I knew about this part of him, but .. I had my own "secret" .. I happen to like effeminate males (LOL) .. so I can legitimately LOVE ALL of my husband .. in ALL his parts.

But Femmy does like to "act out" and sexually misbehave .. and THIS side is something we're still trying to figure out.

In the meantime, I have to "choose" not to take it personally .. particularly as some of this (as the name might suggest) involves "same sex" misbehaving.

Our #1 rule is "DO NO HARM" .. so while we might have greater "moral" complications for what this means, we at least AGREE this means not doing anything without my permission or actual presence, and/or not doing anything that would endanger BOTH of us (like exposure to disease, etc.) .. *sigh* ...

This is the only side of our relationship that is very difficult for me, personally, to figure out how to navigate. Contrary to what my husband fears, MY main concern is to what degree is this "misbehaving" a re-enacting of past abuse. :(

But we are both as honest as we can be with each other, and because I have my own relationship with Femmy as well as the rest of my husband, he also WANTS to make sure I'm happy inside THIS side of our relationship too .. it requires COMPLETE honesty.

And because I am also attracted to effeminate males, this means we have our own ROMANCE as well, which means naturally this has had a healing effect for some of my husband's "shame" associated with this part's past behaviors. ...

But it is complicated, sometimes. Especially if Femmy is feeling "deprived" for any length of time - my husband goes through his own personal internal torture trying to mitigate the "acting out" desires which can pose a threat to our overall relationship and mutual goals (meaning his other parts and me) ..

But for us, living without shame is ESSENTIAL, and being quick to FORGIVE is essential, and watching out for each other in EVERY decision, even if we don't "all of us" like every one of them, that is also essential. :) (I don't know if this helps at all .. I hope so!)

~WU

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

She has a purpose. She has value. With regular people we don't like? We don't go anywhere near them. Unfortunately, building a relationship with this part of us is non-negotiable. So diplomacy, communication, patience, listening to each other... and a whole lotta time out from each other on a regular basis!

I'm trying to see this. And I'm okay with it as long as she never speaks to anyone but me .... it is the fear of what she will do, and wht she will say. She knows secrets about my sex life that I've never let anyone know, and I am terrified for anyone to know about.

If your part is currently sexually active, you may like to consider using contraception. I know that's awful to even consider, but it's a way of looking after your body.

I don't think she is. That's the frustration and why she is acting out ... I can't seem to engage in positive sexual experiences, so I've gone on hiatus. She doesn't like that at all.

@theshadowoftheliving its excellent she has shown up in therapy! that means your T can communicate with her, liase for you and help create a plan on using the body.

I'm so terrified by this, though. I know, theoretically, that it is helpful. But I'm so overwhelmed with life and with work that I just can't afford to waste time - in or out of session. And that is the scariest/strangest part - not knowing what I said and feeling like my session was just so short and I, whoever I am, didn't get a chance to speak.

But it is complicated, sometimes. Especially if Femmy is feeling "deprived" for any length of time - my husband goes through his own personal internal torture trying to mitigate the "acting out" desires which can pose a threat to our overall relationship and mutual goals (meaning his other parts and me) ..

This is a problem for me, too. That part wants time out, but I don't want her to have time outside my body.

 

[Sideways]

whoever I am, didn't get a chance to speak.

I get this. I really really do. You walk out and it feels like the appointment may as well have not happened at all, because you didn't even talk to your T.

Only you did talk to you T. It's something I'm struggling with when it comes to my sex-part, but that's you. You were in there, talking to your T. And frustrating as that is (and it takes a whole lottatrust with your T), the more this particular part talks to your T the better.

She's dangerous. She behaves in ways that make us feel incredibly ashamed. So that part of us needs a whole lotta therapy. The more the better. The more safe communication with your T, the less (over time) you'll need to worry about what might happen if she takes over.

Take this with a grain of salt, because my sex-part took over once when I ran into a guy at my letterbox, and I was so terrified about what she'd done or said in that few minutes that I didn't go back downstairs to my letterbox for weeks. My one of these parts is a big big cause of my agoraphobia. There's other stuff, but what I might do when I switch still keeps me locked up at home where switching is unlikely but safe.

Don't wind up like that. Time in therapy that this part is able to communicate with someone you trust, in a place where you're safe, is time really well spent.

It sux. Pretty much every way you look at it. But the more communication that happens, with you or your T, is bringing you closer and closer to the point where you can trust this part of you again. It was you in therapy. The part of you that probably holds the most shame, and needs almost as much healing as your kiddies. When you're in therapy, you've gotta let that part of you talk, and feel, and heal.

 

[Muttly]

Another person saying I can relate.

Right now that part has started doing some really intense work with T. we've been spinning out some because of it. Our T keeps telling us how important it is to let that park speak. How we can't move forward in our healing until we deal with *those* issues. The rest of us don't even have sex. And then there's her and I guess since we don't give her an outlet she's found the internet. so much shame.

I will say, that since that part has started talking to T (ugh) some things are maybe calming down a bit. I still hate it. I guess it's the work we have to do.

 

[pixel]

that is the scariest/strangest part - not knowing what I said and feeling like my session was just so short and I, whoever I am, didn't get a chance to speak

I get this. I really really do. You walk out and it feels like the appointment may as well have not happened at all, because you didn't even talk to your T.

Amen sisters!
i used to get really grumpy about this, so we made an agreement that T would stop halfway through the appointment and ask me to come out.

since that part has started talking to T (ugh) some things are maybe calming down a bit.

That's great to hear, @Muttly!

Honestly Shadow, i get it that it's overwhelming. But you are so fortunate that this part is talking to your T. Mine never has, we have no internal awareness of each other.

Try making an arrangement with your T, that if someone else turns up for your session, that your T will stop half way through, and ask for you to come out. That allows your parts — who need therapy too — as well as you, to get time with your T.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

what I might do when I switch still keeps me locked up at home where switching is unlikely but safe.

Don't wind up like that. Time in therapy that this part is able to communicate with someone you trust, in a place where you're safe, is time really well spent.

I can't right now, without the house of cards I've built tumbling down around me, but this is my impulse. Whenever I feel "switchy" I want to run home or find a safe spot of some type, so that whatever happens, it is contained. Ironically, this also means that I'm less likely to switch. But I'm so scared of what *could* happen if I do in many cases ....

I will say, that since that part has started talking to T (ugh) some things are maybe calming down a bit. I still hate it. I guess it's the work we have to do.

This is hopeful. Thank you.

Honestly Shadow, i get it that it's overwhelming. But you are so fortunate that this part is talking to your T. Mine never has, we have no internal awareness of each other.

Try making an arrangement with your T, that if someone else turns up for your session, that your T will stop half way through, and ask for you to come out. That allows your parts — who need therapy too — as well as you, to get time with your T.

I might ask this next time. But I'm also confused by it, because I don't even really know who *I* am, and who *I* am seems to change. So this is difficult ....

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I'm also really confused because I'm worried that there is more than one part that knows about sex - an adult part (that's really scary looking; I just saw her inside) and then this other part, that seems much younger and traumatized.

I think it was the younger part that was out in therapy. I can start to have compassion for her if she is younger. But this older, adult part? I'm totally freaked out by her. And how is she part of me? She doesn't feel like she has anything to do with me at all.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

My husband's highly sexual part is one of his younger parts. We have a LOT of compassion for him, and love him as best we know how, so that he will also FEEL loved. But so far as we can tell, ALL of my husband's parts KNOW about sex. But they all feel about it differently - even his littlest child part "knows" about sex, but in a very sweet innocent and curious and exploring way.

As for "scary looking" .. do you mean she actually presents herself in some way that is "scary" to you? Or is it more just the realization of an adult part that is also sexual that is "scary"? Do your parts have "names" and/or self-identify? For example, my husband's "Femmy" calls himself that as well as being called that "inside the system" of my husband's parts. All of their names, in fact, are (so far): Grumpy, Middle, Femmy, Little and (most recently discovered) High Brow. Their names have more to do with their jobs inside my husband's system, but some folks' parts can have real "people" names, too. In fact, I think that might actually be more common, statistically ...

And my husband's GRUMPY part has come across as very "scary" when it comes to sex. He definitely "likes it rough" ;) .. but my husband always just assumed Grumpy was completely uninterested in sex. So his interest was a surprise! And in reality, Grumpy just doesn't have much patience for EMOTION. But as I have grown in love with ALL of my husband's parts, sex for us has been one aspect of our relationship where ALL of my husband's parts participate in varying ways. Like, he "fast switches" between all parts of himself when we're together. And Middle and Little often worry that Grumpy might hurt me (he doesn't), but I think that's because they SEE him inside as much more "mean" than he really is. Mind you, Grumpy CAN dish out the punishment if he thinks he's being abused, but "sex" isn't in that spirit. Grumpy DOES like to be the dominant "top", but other parts of my husband prefer for ME to be the dominant "top" - so I really try to go with the flow in this area. :)

My husband's Middle and child parts used to be much more freaked out by Grumpy - to use your phrasing. Mostly because they were terrified Grumpy would do things when he was "out" that Middle would usually have to clean up after the fact. And with good reason - Grumpy was a bit of a punisher and would pick fights, etc. And he had kinda a sneaky or sinister glee out of picking the fight, then abruptly going "inside" and Middle would "wake up" having no idea why this other person was pissed off and in his face! But that dynamic hasn't been as true for many years, now. Grumpy is able to be reasoned with, can be reassured that a thing isn't a "threat" when he sees evidence, and he's not just vindictive for vengeance's sake - he's STILL ever the Protector.

As Grumpy and I grew inside OUR own relationship, he was "out" more with the "real world" .. whereas he USED to only be "out" when there was a threat, so his inside view of the real world was very DARK and ugly and mean. Now there are times when he LIKES to be "out" just to have fun in a political debate, for example, or other things that really get his logical mind working - he likes to puzzle things, and he likes to "win" arguments. (LOL) .. and Middle has come to a place where he kinda just "rolls his eyes" at Grumpy's take-charge, sometimes. But lately, I have also noticed that Middle and Grumpy actually get along a lot more inside, too - to the point Grumpy will make a sarcastic comment or observation (which I don't get to hear necessarily, but Middle does) and then Middle will just burst out laughing .. it's literally an inside joke ;) but he will usually share with me later .. "Grumpy just said .. " hahaha! :)

I share all this because I don't want to comment too prematurely on YOUR unique situation without knowing enough. I most definitely don't want to hurt you by making inappropriate interpretations ..

But in the HOPES that perhaps my husband's example might give you some ideas to explore? Or perhaps some questions to ask? Such as of this adult sexual part? And MAYBE she isn't as "scary" as you think .. maybe it's just more her job to be "dominant on top" so to speak? That's not necessarily a bad thing - as long as you are all, internally, working towards cooperation and agreement and communication, etc. :) If there is a POWER struggle, I would really encourage you to keep the communication open, because the more each part of you is OPEN with you (and perhaps with your T?), the more you'll be able to (gradually) organize, inside .. and let each part have his/her "say" in what's going on with all-of-you. ...

BIG HUGS if you accept, dear. This CAN be a scary process .. but I hope you could find some hopeful nuggets in all my rambling! :)

~WU