Feeling Weird And Unsure?

[MissKat]

(if this is the wrong place to post this please let me know so I can fix it)

So, I had kind of a strange scare today that I'm not entirely sure how to feel about.

So my boyfriend and I were in the car with my dad having a conversation and we briefly mentioned politics. My dad, being the bigoted political fanatic he is, jumped right in. I wont go over the specifics since I don't want this thread to turn into a debate, but we were talking about someone who was accused of raping a women and my dad was trying to defend them, saying all sorts of ridiculous things. I kind of just rolled my eyes and went along with it until he said "Well, if you were raped, you'd wanna go to the police right away wouldn't you?". The thing is that he doesn't know that I was sexually assaulted last year, nor will he ever know. I don't feel like I can go to the police without my safety being compromised or being laughed at turned away. When he said that my eyes glazed over and I went quiet and tried to dodge the question. Needless to say, I felt very "triggered" and it brought back memories of what happened. Thankfully when I got home I was able to settle down and get my mind off of it for the most part, but I just hate feeling like I can't tell my family what happened without them majorly judging me or telling me I'm a lair or something dumb like that. I have a neuropsyche session later this month and am planning to start actual therapy for PTSD soon.

I'm sorry to dump all this on everyone I just kind of needed to get it off my chest.

 

[Ironlady]

(if this is the wrong place to post this please let me know so I can fix it)

So, I had kind of a stran...

I had to hide my rape because due to the religious beliefs of my cult leader father I could have been forced to marry my rapist. So I understand not only the hits one takes from people in the family not knowing but the fear of telling... in my own way.

I'm so very sorry you had to go through that.. just awful... I hope you get the help you need and deserve soon. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this alone. Thank you so much for being so candid. It was very brave of you. Big hugs honey if you accept.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I'm not sure what to say, other than you have lots of support here.

I think it might be best to separate from your dad as much as possible.

It's easy to say "if I was raped if go to the police right away" but we all know that most rapes aren't reported.

I don't think your dad is capable of supporting you as you need to be supported. (I have one of those in my family.) I am trying to emotionally separate from them.

More :hug:

 

[MissKat]

I am so overwhelmed, thank you for your support, guys. It really means a lot.
It's funny because I always used to tell myself "if anything ever happens I'll just go to the police and it'll be done with" but it's not that easy unfortunately. A couple of my close friends know what happened and have been kind enough to keep interactions between the guy who did this to me and I to a minimum (we have a lot of mutual friends so we do see each other on occasion), and I'm so grateful for their support in this. My dad (who funny enough is also an abuser and contributed to my PTSD diagnosis but in a different way) and I have never had a good relationship, nor do we get along all that well. I wanted to have a good relationship with him when I was younger and was jealous of all these kids who had dads who actually gave a damn about them, but he made it clear on multiple occasions that he wasn't willing to meet me half way so I gave up trying a long time ago. He is an avid smoker and has destroyed his lungs so there is a good chance he might pass within the next few years, so it's been kind of bitter sweet I guess? I mourn what could have been, but I wont miss the way he's treated me. I've had to emotionally detach myself from almost all of my family members, it's been hard, but I know it's just what is best for me. When I'm able to move, more than half my family members are going to be cut from my life for safety and mental health reasons, I know I'll be happier and healthier without them.

 

[MissKat]

Also @Ironlady I am so sorry you went through all that, I hope you have been able to heal and get the help and love you need!

 

[Naoru]

Completely understand here as well. I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this, from the assault to the judgement and secrecy ... it is all difficult and painful.

My step-sister once remarked that if a woman is raped, it is her responsibility and duty to report as to protect possible future victims. If a woman does not, the blame for future assaults partially falls to her. Ouch.

Good to know where she stands though.

I agree with @EveHarrington - emotional distance is a good idea. I'm glad you have already taken steps to do that. Painful, but sometimes needed for self-care. I think you are doing very well. :)

You have our support :hug: