Is Anyone Out There...

[Punky143]

Who feels too much? Overthinks all the time? Obsseses about everything in future that may never be? Is a loner because everyone left? Wonders what the point of living like this...every long painful day until I make it back where I belong...bed

 

[Bristol]

Totally with you there in exactly the same place. Sorry you are there as well

 

[Punky143]

I'd say thanks but I don't wish this on you either. I wished I talked to my T before the weekend...

 

[WillyKat]

Yes, often. More so lately. PTSD is very lonely. And lately, the stress level has been pretty high.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I used to suffer this sort of depression.

Some professionals say many tend towards depression these days because we now stress an individualistic culture rather than a collective culture; when we spend too much time thinking and fretting over our own situation, we become depressed.

The key to escaping depression is to begin engaging in purposeful altruistic behavior. Donate an evening a week at a soup kitchen or someplace similar.

That's how I climbed out of myself and my depression.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Wonders what the point of living like this...every long painful day until I make it back where I belong...bed

I've been wondering the same thing... I've asked a family member and my therapist - gotten only vague answers.

I so much want to help others...but when?

The key to escaping depression is to begin engaging in purposeful altruistic behavior. Donate an evening a week at a soup kitchen or someplace similar.

You are absolutely right. When I think "I'm never going to be able to work again" (which is most likely true), I like to think of small things I can do for nonprofits. Right now though....
I am so limited. Right now I'm struggling to leave my bedroom, let alone leave the house. I'm so incredibly draggy, a useless lump.

 

[.45 Princess]

I feel that way everyday unless there's something involved that dulls everything.

It's quite exhausting... you're not alone

 

[Rani G2]

@Punky143

Wonders what the point of living like this...every long painful day

Same place, same thoughts crossing my mind, same emotions.

This is when i feel i want to leave.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Who feels too much? Overthinks all the time? Obsseses about everything in future that may never be? Is...

Yes, yes, and yes. All of the above. Unable to finish college; was nearly there. Then have achieved although not the goal a couple of volunteerism awards in my community, and a nod from our state's house of reps.

After a bike crash, and then a recent colon surgery, I have found myself unable to escape the triggers and flashbacks that come and go by rote, all on their own. Unable to volunteer at present, don't know if I'll ever be able to again. Feel at times useless, without purpose, and meaning in my life. I volunteered for 7 years at local hospital e.r. and I never felt so relieved from the thoughts and triggers, and flashbacks. Sounds ironic being in a stress-filled environment and yet not being triggered; positive stress vs. negative stress.

I miss so greatly being told thank you for loving on someone (when I am seemingly so inept at loving myself at times. I know that yes, my brain tells me often by rote that it wants to die, shut off, go. And I am still here. Truly, I do NOT want to off myself yet the messages my brain so often sends out are messages of "go ahead and do it" and No, I am not what my brain says I am, and I do NOT always obey my brain's messaging center because it is "screwed up" and I now am aware of this fact. I must override messages of destruction and continue even in small ways to reach out and connect with others even though unable to do this so purposefully as before, I still have my story, and I want to write a book about the unbelievable violent traumatic events that me and my sis have survived and there is still a purpose for me here.

My brain is full of crap at times, and I tell it to SHUT UP! at times. I am not what I was called long ago, and I am not how I was treated like hot poop! No, I am a loving, kind, and giving human being, and I am still sucking air on this crazy at times earth. I will each day try, only try to find something lovable and precious about myself. And, often I am successful at doing so. Not narcissism. No. However, I was treated like they wanted me dead, and now I must override brain's intent on repeatedly telling me their horrific messages. They are all dead now and cannot physically touch me. And my brain although it shoots out crap messages of death and consistently tells me that I do not deserve to inhale/exhale, I tell my bull crap at times brain, I am in control of what I say and do; I am in control over my crap death messaged brain, and my body, now as well.

No more cutting, overdose attempts, etc. and trying to take myself out of here, over and over again. Been there done that. And I want to live, although my crazy brain tells me opposite and I am in a constant battle with my brain. I want to live. And, I am STILL here.

Oh, how I thank you for your post, for you have impacted me and my life on a very deep level and through your post here, and others post here, I am not alone with crazy brain messages and in my insane thinking and random thoughts of suicide because of you. You have positively impacted my life through this post, and I am confident that you also have impacted others' lives here in this forum, and out in your personal life.

I will never know how I have impacted others in any good and positive way - the lives of others. I know that I will continue to try just as you have here, to reach out and connect and breathe, breathe, breathe. Inhale the great white powerful light, and exhale the expletive darkness (my mantra). Jade.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I read a book, but I can't remember the name or author, that the author talked about a Life Store. Whenever she would get sick of her life, she would use her imagination to go to the "Life Store" and pick out a new life. This really resonated with me, since I was a charge nurse in a busy unit and found myself disabled with PTSD and a bad back. I was devastated. I was depressed and feeling worthless, not wanting to live. My T told me I'd have to find different things that made me happy. I could no longer ride horses (because if I fell I could be paralyzed), or camp (because of the pain) or work. It was really hard but I found other things I liked and made a list. I like to art journal, scrapbook, repurpose furniture (slowly, with power tools and help from my son and a friend), raise chickens (they have such wonderful personalities and will knock on my back door when they want a treat), make miniature gardens, and big gardens. I read a lot, and take full advantage of the library. I have made it a game to be poor. How can I get firewood? How can I get presents for Christmas? I have a trade going with a woman who gets a food box. They give her stuff she can't eat, she gives them to me, I give her eggs.

Anyway, I hate to sound Pollyanna, but starting a list of things I might like to do (shopping in the "Life Store") really helped me a lot. I struggled with suicide every day, and now I don't have suicidal thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I read a book, but I can't remember the name or author, that the author talked about a Life Store. W...

It is very encouraging to know that for some the suicidal thoughts to stop; very promising and wonderful news from you that yours have ceased, thank you. Never heard of going to the "Life Store" and this too is something I find myself doing; ex: I want to write a book so badly, and do not know first thing about creative writing, or writing period, for that matter. I do have a book on writing that I recently acquired through a friend. I like to make jewelry; no silver pouring, or soldiering; beading. I love beads, and have made numerous necklaces, earrings, and have been told the pieces I've made are beautiful. Have lot of trouble accepting praise feedback, am learning not to numb when someone gives me a compliment. I rush home and journal their words. Growing up was told horrific crippling messages. emdr hopefully will help desensitize, etc. Enjoyed hearing about your chickens that come and peck on door wanting treats, love it. Also how you have traded horse riding for other enjoyable activities. I too was injured in a car/bike crash and am having to try and learn to fill my time with enjoyable activities instead of my passion - volunteering in e.r. at local (up the street) hospital for 7yrs. And I love Pollyanna and her GLAD game! Remember she would try and think and name things that made her (Pollyanna) glad. Yes. And you are being inventive and creative while dealingw/bad back and ptsd. I too am re-inventing self one day at a time, some days one minute at a time...Jade

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Right now I'm struggling to leave my bedroom, let alone leave the house. I'm so incredibly draggy, a useless lump.

Yes, you feel this way, but the feelings really don't make you useless.

Small steps count. Try little things first and reward yourself for every effort, no matter how small. For instance, let's say you have trouble showering and dressing every day due to depression. One day, you get up with the intention of putting in 1/2 your of volunteer work; you shower but then cannot manage to dress and actually leave the apartment. Well, guess what? You get brownie points for showering!

This is not about going from 0 to 60 in ten seconds. Or even one hour. The point is to work up to your goal.

Give yourself bite-sized bits to work on.