Is It Live Or Is It Memorex?

[shimmerz]

So here we are. Anniversary - another one. But a wicked one. 3 years now and I have done a major move at this time of year. This was also the same time of year that I went back to the house of horrors 10 years ago to remove my things.... was fighting a paranoid schizophrenic diagnosis, the next year 1 lost my interest in the house of horrors. The following year at this time my landlords were harassing me and I had to leave.

I can't help but notice the pattern, you know? And here I am again. Maybe I am sabotaging myself or maybe it just all gets too much and I start getting reactive. Can you help me gain some clarity?

It is a long story, but one I am familiar with. I have an SO. I have been working hard to help him. Last week I gave up any thoughts of being able to help him in the way he needs (helping him with his work). I am seriously such a retard when it comes to cognitive thinking in a work environment. He is also having some health problems that are triggery for him and we are arguing over them. He gets super cranky over it and it is really throwing me off. He is going to lose his foot to diabetes if he doesn't smarten up.

So basically the dynamic has changed here big time. I no longer feel (or am) a very useful partner. We have spoken about this several times. He is very guarded when he speaks to me about it because he ... well, he just is.

I have offered to leave. And I will. He knows I have nowhere to go. But in his mind it feels like he is just putting in time and is boiling underneath.

How does this happen year after year after year?

 

[Ronin]

Don't try to help, just be there for him?

Being present and *there* can be a lot.

It might also be the 'staying' you need, not repeating the 'leave' pattern. You know where leaving leads; try something different, just to try the shoe on, if it fits or not, you can adjust that later, but don't run while you've just gotten the shoe.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry your having a hard time. First I want to say, YOU ARE NOT A RETARD!
I have to say, that brought tears to my eyes :( your a strong woman.
I can't remember your story but I believe your a supporter?

 

[Recovery4Me]

Sometimes, working to fix our own inner being during a rough patch between two- allows a stronger light to shine for the other(s).

*What my T told me last week for myself so passing it forward with love. ((((hugs))))

 

[shimmerz]

I believe your a supporter?

Thanks Mytime. I am a sufferer. The SO is the supporter.

Sometimes, working to fix our own inner being during a rough patch between two- allows a stronger light to shine for the other(s).

Thank you Recovery.

 

[Mytime]

But in his mind it feels like he is just putting in time and is boiling underneath.

Has he said this to you or you think this is how he feels?

 

[shimmerz]

Has he said this to you or you think this is how he feels?

I have directly asked. He is hedging. He won't give a direct answer.

 

[Mytime]

Taking time to step back and working on yourself. Learning what works for you and what you may need to change. The same for SO, he seems to have his own stuff to work out.
Supporting each other is letting each other grown and knowledge what YOU need to work on or change.
Because you only have control over yourself. Here to support you :)

 

[Abstract]

If he is a normal and sensible person then helping him at work is not going to be what he is evaluating you on as a significant other. If it is then there are far bigger problems with the relationship than that.

Do you think it could be you that feels much more thrown by this? You mention his unhelpful behaviours to do with his diabetes. I don't know the dynamics or your history but am with Ronin in this in all said. Do you think you are trying to find a way to be useful and are rather putting more pressure on the relationship instead.

Please ignore if not relevant. I don't know your tendencies in this regard at all. I do know that some people tend to feel compelled to try to do and fix things when times are hard.

What would happen if you just being you is enough. Sometimes its the compensating thats the problem and not what we think it is. I realise I may be missing the point and not know what is happening in your relationship but had to ask. It certainly sounds like this time of year is a horrible one for you.

Is he cranky in response to his health issues or is he cranky in response to you trying to change them?

 

[Sideways]

What would happen if you just being you is enough.

This. Sometimes, talking time to just reach inner-calm, inner-neutral (joy isn't gonna happen right now, but neutral is something I can usually work towards) ends up being more productive and better "help" all round.

Usually moving at this time of year? Just working on calm, a teeny bit of clarity, keeping yourself in the moment, can be exactly what we need. Stop moving forward and just get okay with stationary and neutral, and oftentimes we can look back and realise that's ended up being progress and healing all by itself.

Be gentle on you. It's okay if you're not perfect right now. Just hang on to one situation to the next. Anniversaries pass, even if we do nothing and stay completely motionless, they pass. Time keeps ticking, whether we're running or just standing still.

 

[shimmerz]

is not going to be what he is evaluating you on

Yes. Right. I was there not that long ago. Thank you so much for this reminder. I will hold onto that closely.

Do you think you are trying to find a way to be useful

No. I usually (and have) left him alone. Until he was hospitalized in September and after finally getting him to the doctor yesterday (arguments for the past two months about even having blood work done, let alone seeing a doctor), and with the doctor stating firmly that if he doesn't pay attention he will lose his foot. Soon. It is ulcerated like crazy - badly. He is balking proper care for his foot and putting responsibility on me for it. We never argue. We do about this. I feel it is fair to say to him (which I do) that if he is handing me responsibility for his food and caring for his feet (which he is) and not taking it on himself (which he isn't) then there is no doubt I am going to provide input. It is affecting me. It is freaking me out.

Just working on calm, a teeny bit of clarity,

Yes, thank you for this. Grounding through drama stuff is hard but possible. I need to remind myself that it will be what it will be and that I will make proper decisions when the time comes for decisions.

 

[scout86]

Some of this may be purely coincidence. The time of year thing? Several of those event you had no control over their timing. They happened when they did. They happened at similar times of year. One of the things the human brain is programed to do is look for patterns. We can find 'patterns' where they only exist due to random chance.

About your SO. This is probably going to sound harsh. It's a fact that he's an adult. Also that he's (at least technically) competent. He has a perfect right to lose his foot if he so chooses. You have the right to not be happy about that and to express that. He has the right to blow you off. You can help him, but he has to want the help. You could even encourage him to get help figuring out why he seems to be resistant to the idea of treating the diabetes. What you actually can't do is 'fix him'. Any more than he can fix you.

You know where leaving leads; try something different,

Exactly that line of reasoning got me to try therapy. It was a pretty good choice. You can leave any time you want. Maybe it's worth exploring the possibilities of not leaving. At least not right now. Try winter without crisis for a change.