Is It Live Or Is It Memorex?

[shimmerz]

We can find 'patterns' where they only exist due to random chance.

Yes, I hope that is true.

What you actually can't do is 'fix him'. Any more than he can fix you.

True enough. Not harsh, just a long slide for me to get on mentally. Because, had it not been for my getting him to the hospital in September, we would not be discussing his potentially losing his foot. It would have been gone already. And yes, he does have that choice. And given that, perhaps my mistake here is to be taking on any of the responsibility at all. He needs to be managing his own feet quite honestly. He has big issues on this stuff. Eating etc. He needs someone else to be responsible. His little boy is a rager when it comes to food related issues.

And yes, it would be nice to hang ease this winter. That won't involve, however, dealing with a supporter who is a raging child. I am not quite at the point that I can hold my own with that yet.

 

[scout86]

He has big issues on this stuff. Eating etc. He needs someone else to be responsible. His little boy is a rager when it comes to food related issues.

Just curious, does he understand that? That's a real thing. No doubt. And it comes from someplace. It's NOT your problem. It COULD be something you could help him with, but not the rage part. You're right, you're not in a position to deal with that. You have enough of your own stuff to deal with and being in a relationship with someone who resorts to rage isn't going to help with that. But HE could seek out some help with what ever the issue is around food and you could then work on things as a team. I'd think saving or losing a foot would be a pretty good motivator.

 

[Abstract]

Gosh. He sounds self destructive. Been there with 2 people with diabetes. What do you think it is with him? Denial? Much more than that? I certainly understand you feelings about this. Its horrific watching someone self destruct.

Things you don't have to accept: rage aimed at you that is nothing to do with you.
Being made responsible for things that are not your responsibility.

One thing that it took me a while to realise is just because I have the ability to impact others (quite good at it) doesn't mean I need to do so or even should sometimes. It sounds like his little boy tantrum state is hooking in your parental one. That might not be the case of course. If both of you can hook into adult mode about this same situation then it would be different.

Do what is best for you right now, It sounds like things are hard enough without all the rest. One of those options could be leaving a lot of space for both of you without physically leaving. One could be very clear boundaries about his attitude to you. And one could you be leaving.

 

[shimmerz]

But HE could seek out some help with what ever the issue is around food and you could then work on things as a team. I'd think saving or losing a foot would be a pretty good motivator.

Somehow it is not a good motivator. And he was offered a ton of support for getting to why he is so resistant to this treatment stuff and he just laughed at the nurse about it. The doctor came in and said 'you NEED to take meds' (because he had refused the nurse. Then he and I had an argument about whether to fill the meds script. Not because I said he had to but because he told me to make the decision (but it was clear he didn't want me to).

I seriously feel like I am working with a 2 year old here. And I get that. And he has worked with my 2 year old many times (and younger). But the thing is, I have no idea how to stand by and watch his foot fall apart like it is. Which leaves me with limited choices in this. I absolutely CAN'T be at the end of rage right now.

Been there with 2 people with diabetes.

Oh boy, I would love to hear more about this because I didn't realize this was 'a thing' with some diabetics. I know I am looking at a big huge ball of bad right now, because he is a totally different person any time we touch on anything to do with his eating/diabetes/blood sugar. I have no idea who I am dealing with right now, quite honestly.

 

[scout86]

Not because I said he had to but because he told me to make the decision (but it was clear he didn't want me to).

And there's another of those pesky double binds.

What's the attitude of the rest of his family? Anyone else in the family have diabetes?

 

[shimmerz]

Anyone else in the family have diabetes?

They all do on his mother's side. I originally told her that he was in the hospital, which was apparently a bad thing to do. He didn't rage at me about it but made it quite clear he wasn't happy that I said anything about it. Now we rarely go over.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

 

[sun seeker]

A thousand likes to what @Ronin said. Now I don't have to say it myself. Just yes... stay where you are. That's how you break the pattern.

 

[Abstract]

Well it sounds like his family has a habit of dealing with conflict or difficulty by sticking their heads in the sand and being quiet about it. That certainly can't help. Infuriating.

Then again he may have issues with self nourishment etc or body related stuff. The things he is dealing with are likely to expose all that. I have thought that in some ways this type of behaviour is a little like or has parallels to an eating disorder. I know what that feels like from the inside.

The one self destructive diabetic was a friend and the other a family member. I never had the opportunity to get an explanation from either so can't say for sure what was happening. The latter was worse than the former. Type 1 with both though and he sounds like a type 2. Family member messed with his insulin as well. From when I was around 9 I tended to the only one able to deal with the situation.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@shimmerz I would just stop trying to *help* him with his health. He's a big boy and if he doesn't know the consequences of diabetes by now, then he never will. I would just tell him that from now on, his health, is his concern. I wouldn't make Dr appointments for him, I wouldn't do anything. If he asked you to do something, then yes do it, but don't offer the help if he hasn't asked.

If he looses his foot, then he looses his foot. Consequences for HIS inaction. I know this sounds cold, but you are not his mother, and he's big enough that he doesn't need one. He's a grown man capable of making his own decisions about his health. This is a healthy boundary. A very hard one, but everyone takes care of themselves at sometime in life...

 

[Abstract]

One of the behaviours was to take a lot of extra insulin then not eat straight away. Then become delusional and aggressive so no one could get them to eat anything until convulsions started. We had to wait until that happened. Then I used to spoon sugar into the mouth. Russian Roulette as left too long and then its coma time and there is no coming out. This happened on a daily bases for a long time. Nerve damage in both legs and ulcers. Glaucoma, All sorts of system failure. Memory and other damage from all the convulsions.

My friend had severe ulcers on her one leg and one on her other one. She drank, ate what she should have been avoiding, didn't take her meds intermittently. Multiple warnings of loosing her foot and part of her leg. Like watching a car crash about to happen.

It occurred to me that that is how people must feel if they are watching someone with an ed and they can't get them to change. That if someone had cared about me they would have felt that way. Interesting phenomenon.

 

[shimmerz]

Hmmm, I am looking up diabetic denial stuff. It is a big thing. Like living with an alcoholic. And yes, when we came back to Canada he got all entrenched in family 'food stuff'. It's all based on food here.

On the upside, he is eating better. There are still some 'iffy' foods but he isn't eating sugar directly. The bad news is that he is fighting anything else tooth and nail.

So this thread has turned into being about him but it isn't really. I guess what I am looking at here is what part I play in this. Not long ago I came to the decision that whatever happened to me - happened. So I am not in a position of vulnerability (in other words, I am not thinking that I must do what he says or I will be homeless again). If I end up homeless, then so be it.

He and I have been down this path before. He got his sugars completely normal by way of his diet. I facilitated that change.

Some of you may know the story of when i went to CA from Canada with him. We had our first (and last) fight of that time (our relationship was interrupted) the day I dropped and had my pancreas attack. As a matter of fact, we were arguing about how he was eating when I dropped. I am still not sure if the attack was caused by my reaction to the argument. I ended up back in Canada much earlier than expected due to the pancreatitis issue. Is it possible to have such a serious and sudden onset of an illness due to an emotional reaction?

So, the issue here is actually about keeping me safe. IF I had that attack because of the argument, and we are now arguing (and yes, this feels like a double bind because if I argue I may be putting my own health at risk. That is a big thing, but also it isn't a 'for sure thing' that that is what happened when I had the pancreatitis.

If I don't argue and let him do whatever then I will be going against my values and morals and literally helping him to die.

Or I leave. I am not certain I am seeing many other options here. Any takers? I am not certain that my past is not clouding my 'now'. I would love to hear some other options if you have any thoughts.

 

[shimmerz]

@shimmerz I would just stop trying to *help* him with his health.

Yes, this is my thought. I have a feeling that this will come to a head this afternoon when the nurse comes. My natural nature is such that I feel like I cannot be a part of this with him. It has to be his because he is conflicted about it and somehow he needs to straighten that out in his head rather than me being a target for his anger about the situation.