Sufferer New To The Forum

[saraemerald]

Thank you for both of your posts. :)
I don't know if this makes sense but here goes..
So during that time, yes, I had for years learned how to cope with my PTSD and OCD (unwanted thoughts) and keep my symptoms at bay. I prayed many times a day, every day to God for strength and I believed in the religion I was part of and I kept myself busy. I didn't want to end up crazy like either of my parents, so I did what I had to, to heal myself as much as I could and also tried to practice self-care and love, knowing that I had to make up for what my parents didn't do for me. But for some reason, I got to a point where I had worked hard for so many years to overcome it and also worked hard to keep my head up and positive, (I had gotten very good at it while somehow balancing everything in my life), and I had learned so much through the experience of healing myself and getting to know my triggers and my mind and body and other people's behaviors and body language as well.
But I felt sooo lonely. And I also wanted so badly to be close to someone and start dating someone. But in my religion, I already had many cards stacked against me. When I had full-blown PTSD symptoms, and also because many in the nearby congregations in my religion knew I came from a crazy family, and I was isolated from making friends as a child and no one was allowed in my house growing up, it was already so hard for me to make friends. And when I did make friends, they treated me like a delicate person because my body used to shake when I talked to people and when I was meeting people for the first time and in large crowds. I couldn't stop my body from reacting the way it did when I had full-blown PTSD symptoms even when I wanted to be courageous and reach out to make friends despite it.
I grew up a Jehovah's Witness so that made it harder to make friends because we were only allowed to make friends in the religion. So I would volunteer and meet people in different congregations and to use my skills at quickbuilds where we could meet other people.

 

[saraemerald]

So I got to a point where I had healed my symptoms and was doing a lot in the Jehovah's Witness organization and I had met a lot of people and made a lot of friends but I felt lonely. It was nice to make a lot of friends and always go out and volunteer and such but I would always come home to an empty apartment and I never got very close to many people and I felt unsatisfied. So I didn't want to be strong anymore and when I got better, I sabotaged myself. I was so sick and tired of going through through so much and putting up with a lot of BS and faithfully serving God and being the "nice, sweet girl" that no one wanted to be close friends with. All I was trying to do was be a nice and good person.

 

[saraemerald]

And a lot of the friends I did have around me weren't happy for me when I got better. So I sabotaged and ruined my hard work of recovery. And now I am trying to forgive myself.

 

[aut555]

And a lot of the friends I did have around me weren't happy for me when I got better. So I sabotage...

When you set yourself up for failure, this is usually a childhood thing where we were subjected to feeling bad about our very existence. We sabotage ourselves because our conditioning tells us this is our "norm". We have been fed this message of self-defeat, and like good little solders, we carry on and fulfill this false prophecy fed to us endlessly by extremely screwed up parents. This is what we know, it feels comfortable, but it's the wrong reality. You need to understand what your parents raised you to believe about yourself, then you need to step away from that, and create your own self. A happy, healthy self, of love, nurturing you in the moment, not the negative message you were fed. Sending compassion your way.

 

[saraemerald]

@aut555 It sucks when you realize the friends you have never really cared about you. It also sucks when you proceed to self-destruct. Especially if you never acted that ay before and don't know where it's coming from. Or when you thought you healed your past hurts but apparently didn't

 

[aut555]

@aut555 It sucks when you realize the friends you have never really cared about...

But we may have disregarded their true intentions towards us or lack of, and when we finally realize it, yes it hurts. But isn't part of the self-sabotage package is picking out friends that are unhealthy? Maybe you are better but just realized that your friends really aren't good for you. Just a thought.

 

[saraemerald]

But we may have disregarded their true intentions towards us or lack of, and when we finally realize it,...

You are right, but also, when I was a part of that religion, they tell you your congregation should be like a family and were all encouraged to get to know one another and volunteer and such, so you always end up with the same people. At the time I started to sabotage my life, I had moved back to the congregation I grew up in because the other congregation I was volunteering for was a foreign language and I had to travel further to attend meetings there and was tired. So when I came back to my home congregation, I no longer had PTSD symptoms. I was a stronger person, but the people I had grown up with in my home congregation didn't yet seem to notice I had changed and the one manipulative friend I once had, started to say negative things to me when I had to interact with her at church. She had known me since I was a baby and I was close to her mother and father in law. She was 12 years older than me and had in the past acted like she was my hero in the congregation and was a stressed out b$%# that was over responsible and gossipped about people all the time.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Perhaps the self destructive side of this is a way of keeping yourself safe? Maybe a part of you realising your friends and maybe parts of your religion aren't healthy or safe. Maybe this was the only way part of you could get out of or away from these things. Just a thought I might be wayy off.

 

[aut555]

Yuck, there are so many of that type, it's amazing, even in workplaces, that particular breed is everywhere. But glad you are doing better. And have the clarity to really see people's true character.

 

[saraemerald]

She saw that I was better and started saying negtive things about the very things I used in my recovery to heal my PTSD symptoms. She also started to lie to people about me, saying that I was suicidal, but I wasn't. When I confronted her on that, she said, "Oh yeah. You used to call me in the middle of the night all the time suicidal." I called her once in the middle of the night because I had passed out and wet my pants. And years ago, this woman drove me to the psyche ward of a hospital saying she was trying to get me in to see a therapist for free after I told her I did not want to take meds for my anxiety and she told me to lie on an application and tell them I was suicidal. She was crazy and hiding her crazy by making ppl think I was suicidal. I had too many negative experiences with people when I was a part of that religion and it was mostly from older people while I was in my late teens and twenties. But at the time, I thought that religion was the truth, so I stayed and put up with that crap, trying my best to stay away from the crazy people.

 

[saraemerald]

Perhaps the self destructive side of this is a way of keeping yourself safe? Maybe a part of y...

Yes!

 

[aut555]

Sometimes religion has the craziest bunch of people. A lot of repressed emotions, and this comes out in a ugly fugly way.