Surrounding Myself With People I Can't Remember

[Nessa7]

I am still in the really early stages of considering opening communication up with family that I've been no contact with for about five years. I'm kind of just guessing on how long it has been, but it is something like that. I am planning on talking about my feelings with my T tomorrow.

I don't want to call it avoidance because this all seems like totally reasonable concerns, but I keep getting caught up in the logistics of doing this with amnesia. A big complicating factor is that I only remember about 1/3rd of my relatives. Even if I limit myself to just the person that is most enthusiastic about seeing me again, I would still run into the issue of only remembering one of their kids.

Has anyone else been in a situation that would have you in the same room as a bunch of people you don't remember? They all have no reason to expect that I would have forgotten them. There is also someone that I dissociate the second I see them, so there is a chance that there is no getting around telling someone what is going on with me, if I do decide to do this.

 

[Ronin]

Has anyone else been in a situation that would have you in the same room as a bunch of people you don't remember?

Let them talk :sneaky:

A lot of people like talking about themselves, & will clue you in by what they say, and being polite and engaging them about the bits they suppose you would remember as it's shared / about both of you can go far / it's better to be the odd person instead of that odd rude jerk, odd fades off memory, insult harder.

& It's just one event, if you don't have multitude of them lined up with the same people, it can be chalked up to you not being in your own skin that day, no big deal, /for them/.

 

[Poconogirl]

I've been in a similar situation a few times actually. Neither side of my family have been a close group we didn't get together for holidays or anything like that so I grew up hearing names but never actually meeting the faces attached to those names. And there was also several people I've never known about till I met them usually at a funeral of a relative we both knew. I have stood in a room with people I have never met before and in a room with people I didn't remember. Its not a good feeling for it just caused a bigger panic attack durning an already stressful situation. At the same time in my opinion it sucks not being able to know you family. There's a lot of question marks in my family history and heritage and will probly never know the answers too. If you do go I wish you luck.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,

So these are family members who know you pretty well and you would be expected to know and be familiar with but you have forgotten or dissociate them when you see them so you can't recognise them? Or you remember them but not other connected family members.

Do you have old photos or could you ask for new ones? You could have a cheat sheet on your phone and refer to it for a little grounding. Would their be anyone problematic there?

Not sure if your amnesia is a post event thing or more related to dissociation in general.

 

[Nessa7]

Hi,
So these are family members who know you pretty well and you would be expected to know and be familiar with but you have forgotten or dissociate them when you see them so you can't recognise them?

Both depending on the person. The first option applies more. Only a handful of them were directly related with a traumatic event, but my brain seems to have scrubbed my memory as clean as it could of everyone. The second option does happen with at least with one person, but I haven't really been put in the position to see if it would happen with everyone else. I have not been put into a position to test it much, because we haven't been in any contact.

Actually, with the few that I have ran into and recognized, I essentially erased my memory of their appearance as soon as I was away from them, but I could recognize them in the moment. I did dissociate, but I could carry on a conversation normally (at least as far as I could tell) and ground myself without too much difficulty. This has only happened probably about three times, so I don't exactly have a lot of experiences to generalize from.

Do you have old photos or could you ask for new ones? You could have a cheat sheet on your phone and refer to it for a little grounding.

I have a few very old photos. They're mostly not very helpful. I did get myself to the point that I could recognize my uncle's ex-wife in photographs, but I want to guess that he's been married and divorced at least once since then. Most of them are school photographs without a name on them. My mother's family only really knows the names of the same aunts, uncles, and cousins that I remember. This is something that I could try asking for.

Would their be anyone problematic there?

This is the big thing that I want to dig into with my T tomorrow, because this is what makes me question if I can handle this at all. At minimum, I'd be seeing my father, aunt, grandfather, and his girlfriend (or someone else in his girlfriend's place). Unfortunately, the girlfriend is the person that I completely blackout. I already know that it is going to be an issue for my brain, and it is the main reason that I think that I'll need to be open about my PTSD if I choose to do it, which I already know is going to suck. I have no idea why I dissociate so strongly around her, and no one would be able to think of a reason other than my brain flipping out for us not to talk.

This seems like it is the opposite of what would be expected, but I actually have less reasons to be upset about seeing the people that I don't remember, which makes it really tempting to have them there as a bit of a buffer. My Criterion A is related to my father's mental illness, so seeing my father is probably my biggest trigger. I was also neglected by my parents as a child to the point of it being emotional abuse. These relatives were all there for some of it. My grandfather now has dementia. This sounds really harsh, but his presence would bother me less now that his personality has changed. If we set boundaries, I think my aunt will be fine.

Not sure if your amnesia is a post event thing or more related to dissociation in general.

I don't have an answer for that. I have not been working for very long on dissociation and amnesia. It wasn't all that long ago that I didn't think that I dissociated at all, and my T and I hadn't been really pushing to work on it yet.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I wouldn't worry about what they might think. There was a point when I sometimes ran into people who knew me - people I'd swear I never met. I just faked it. Not to worry.

Now, if you suspect you 'forgot' them due to truama, because they abused you, now that's different. I'd stay away from them.

 

[Powder]

This is a great question, a big one.

I guess it depends on how much you trust them and if you're ready to be PTSD-you with them and know that they are prepared to do right by you.

I'd suggest having your dad, or someone in charge, whomever that might be in the group, if you trust him, go through some kind of smaller meeting with you and get briefed first.

Baby steps.

Also, I am almost 40, and I had to ask my father's birthday every year. I explained it away as having a "bad memory" even though I had a 4.0 and two degrees and managed a family and career as a manager.

Turns out, I also blanked the years he abused my sister and I.

Now, if I keep blanking something, I know that, at least for me, that is a clear sign that there is trauma connected to that memory or person.
But that doesn't mean that person is someone to avoid.

I apparently continued to have almost total amnesia for a conversation about my husband's ex. As I healed my PTSD and was able to get off meds, I was able to remember that this had happened before at least once. I was able to talk about her and not let my heart race with insecurity, and I was able to see her, not as a threat, some woman he wanted to leave me for, but as a real person with problems and joys, like me.

Now I can tolerate hearing about Erin, his ex, and not blank the whole conversation and even her name. Who?

So I suspect that these family members have created some level of fear or activation in your body that could be triggered by something as mild as an emotion that feels like a threat when it really isn't, to that person caused the trauma, and everything in between.

Until you know why you have amnesia, Does your T think it's advisable? If you feel a high level of emotion, do you think it's likely your body and brain will simply delete most or all of the event? If so, I don't know if that would be reinforcing the amnesia.

Cause for me, I do not want to go through a door like that until I know what's on the other side because of my experiences. Usually, it's safe, and it's my PTSD alarm bells going off without cause, for recent amnesia or dissociation. But for amnesia from the trauma time, there has been found every good reason to not go through that door.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks for explaining that. I'm assuming you have thought about doing this very carefully. Its an incredibly big step to go from no contact to seeing all these people at once. Especially people and an environment that are associated with abuse. I'm assuming your therapist thinks its a good hing for you to do?

I agree with Muse about at least meeting one person before if possible. And preferably have them watch out for you at the time. Especially maybe if you do dissociate more strongly in response to the situation. Did you mean you don't yet have grounding and other skills to help with the dissociation? The most important thing for me when it comes to dissociation and blocking information is that it shouldn't stop me making judgments about self protection. My dissociation happened exactly when I needed to be making those judgments and therefore stopped me making the right decisions. It still does often but am massively improved.

I wondered what things you and your t have in place that can help you navigate this. Is your fathers mental illness under control now?

Maybe you could ask for recent photos of people and tell them it will help you feel more comfortable. For me it wouldn;t be about what others thought if I didn't remember. Its that feeling of having missing information and therefore being less in control of the situation. I don't want to put that idea into your head of course! I can see from others responses that others may not feel that way. I hope you don't.

 

[Nessa7]

I guess it depends on how much you trust them and if you're ready to be PTSD-you with them and know that they are prepared to do right by you.
.

I think this is really going to be the key factor. No one on that side of the family has met PTSD-me. The closest has been when I ran into an uncle, but my fight-or-flight response had the effect of making me seem more talkative and friendly than I normally actually am. My bizarre behavior didn't start until I walked away.

I'd suggest having your dad, or someone in charge, whomever that might be in the group, if you trust him, go through some kind of smaller meeting with you and get briefed first.

Baby steps.

This is the first part of the plan that me and my T came up with. My aunt is going to be the one I meet with first. My T wisely pointed out what a terrible idea it would be for PTSD-me to be plopped into a room with my father without any warning. She could prepare me for how mentally healthy my father is, and I can fill her in on my PTSD.

So I suspect that these family members have created some level of fear or activation in your body that could be triggered by something as mild as an emotion that feels like a threat when it really isn't, to that person caused the trauma, and everything in between.

Until you know why you have amnesia, Does your T think it's advisable? If you feel a high level of emotion, do you think it's likely your body and brain will simply delete most or all of the event? If so, I don't know if that would be reinforcing the amnesia.

Cause for me, I do not want to go through a door like that until I know what's on the other side because of my experiences. Usually, it's safe, and it's my PTSD alarm bells going off without cause, for recent amnesia or dissociation. But for amnesia from the trauma time, there has been found every good reason to not go through that door.

As I think about it, I think that it might be because of something that happened one Christmas. My father was in the middle of a very bad manic period. Aggression, paranoia, psychosis, and neither of us had gotten any sleep for a few days. It wasn't until we were at a gathering of his family that plans started being made for him to receive treatment. I think that a lot of my family were erased from my memory from blocking this out, instead of from something that they did.

My T is in favor of it. I think it is mostly because she is supportive of my reasons for doing it. I don't have strong feelings about my grandfather, and I'm fine with seeing him so that other people can have closure.

We haven't really explored my dissociation or amnesia very much at all, which is one of the biggest things causing me concern. I know that I was already dissociating when I was younger. I definitely know I was when I was 9 years old, because I remember losing time.

 

[Nessa7]

I agree with Muse about at least meeting one person before if possible. And preferably have them watch out for you at the time. Especially maybe if you do dissociate more strongly in response to the situation. Did you mean you don't yet have grounding and other skills to help with the dissociation? The most important thing for me when it comes to dissociation and blocking information is that it shouldn't stop me making judgments about self protection. My dissociation happened exactly when I needed to be making those judgments and therefore stopped me making the right decisions. It still does often but am massively improved.

I do not have any grounding skills really. One thing I haven't managed to do yet is be able to realize that I am dissociating before I'm completely gone. I know that I can bring someone with me that has seen me dissociate and has been able to recognize it as it is happening.

I wondered what things you and your t have in place that can help you navigate this. Is your fathers mental illness under control now?

Maybe you could ask for recent photos of people and tell them it will help you feel more comfortable. For me it wouldn;t be about what others thought if I didn't remember. Its that feeling of having missing information and therefore being less in control of the situation. I don't want to put that idea into your head of course! I can see from others responses that others may not feel that way. I hope you don't.

My father is taking his medication and is at least stable. A big thing that led to us being no contact was that I was not being given accurate information about his condition despite being one of his caretakers, and I don't know that I would be able to trust anything that they say about his mental illness. They also were very unrealistic in the past, so I am not sure that they are in a place yet that they can even be honest with themselves about how he has been doing. He is not able to care for himself or live alone.

I think that is closer to what it is for me. It is hard knowing that they know stuff that I don't know, and I think that I feel at even more of a disadvantage that I don't even know the stuff that I am supposed to know. I did tell my T that I think that I need to do more work on dissociation before this happens, because I don't know that I have anything in place. We have done a lot of work on boundaries that I think will help. I'm guessing that there must be something if my T is in favor of it, but I'm not exactly sure what that is.

 

[Abstract]

Oh I totally get the being at a disadvantage thing. As if its not bad enough to have to negotiate triggers and symptoms in general but to then be blindfolded to an extent on top of that doesn't feel and isn't helpful.

May I ask if your therapist is a trauma therapist? I don't know how long you have been with her but am surprised you havent gone through grounding etc. Who came up with idea about this reunion and how do you feel about it?

I don't have a history of the exact same reactions as you but there are some similarities. I would block out problematic material or not register long periods of time. For example lets say I was at work and someone punched me on the arm in an inappropriate way. I would remember all that happened before and after but not that part. Then sometimes when something happened past experiences with the person like this would come flooding back one after the other. I wouldn't be able to tell who I needed to watch or set boundaries with as I saw them as someone different without access to all information about their behaviour.

From when I first started figuring all this out it took a long time to start to learn what sets me off and how to decrease it happening. I'm struggling to understand why she thinks it would be a good idea for you to go back into this dynamic without the skills to stay present and watch triggers and interaction with others. If you struggle to recognise the person how are supposed to judge what sort of boundaries you need? I realise there is a lot I don't know and you have done work on boundaries. If your father and others are linked to the trauma causing your PTSD and you havent had contact for a long time then there are sure to be triggers there. What is the main good you want from this?

Sorry as missed your response to Muse so read my response in that context.

 

[Nessa7]

May I ask if your therapist is a trauma therapist? I don't know how long you have been with her but am surprised you havent gone through grounding etc.

I have been seeing her for a year, but I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until August. She is a trauma therapist, but I didn't actually find out much about that until recently. I am starting to wonder why we haven't done more to work on my dissociation. I think we've talked more about when dissociation can be useful than anything else related to it.

From what she's said, my T thinks that doing this will show me that it isn't going to be as bad as I think that it's going to be. It has been building up for so long that a lot of fear has built up around the possibility of contact with them, and meeting them will diffuse it.

What is the main good you want from this?

It was my aunt that initiated it. She sent me a short letter. I think that the biggest thing that I would want to happen is that it might alleviate some of the guilt that I feel when thinking about my father. I know that is holding me back. They placed a lot of responsibility on me when I was too young to be able to do what they were expecting from me. My aunt has expressed that she's sorry about that, and I do think that it would be good for both of us to talk about it.

I don't think I feel like I need a relationship. My parents raised me to be very used to getting along without them. It was always normal to go a few months without much contact, so I don't feel like I'm missing much. This is a point that we went over quite a bit in my last session. I think my T was prodding a bit to see if that is really how I felt.

From when I first started figuring all this out it took a long time to start to learn what sets me off and how to decrease it happening. I'm struggling to understand why she thinks it would be a good idea for you to go back into this dynamic without the skills to stay present and watch triggers and interaction with others. If you struggle to recognise the person how are supposed to judge what sort of boundaries you need? I realise there is a lot I don't know and you have done work on boundaries. If your father and others are linked to the trauma causing your PTSD and you havent had contact for a long time then there are sure to be triggers there. What is the main good you want from this?

Sorry as missed your response to Muse so read my response in that context.

You know, I don't know that we've actually even talked much about triggers in a session.

Towards the end of my last appointment, I started asking about what I should do if I do start dissociating. The most recent worst time, I forgot how my face worked and left the house. I ended up running down the road and only stopped to clean up walnuts in a neighbor's driveway.