It is an incredibly liberating experience. I never fully understood how bad it was until I went no contact. Don't get me wrong, I still wish I had family, but the people I cut off were only family in the scientific definition and not in deed. They never did anything for me, and no amount of hoping or wishing would make it likely that they ever would in the future. The last time I spoke with my grandmother was the first time I had in a few years. The verbal abuse started up just as if I had never walked away. It was a great reminder though of how bad she always messed my head up and how lucky I was to be free of that.
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Are These Legitimate Triggers?
- Post starter Twila Little
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Jeffrey Visser
Bronze Member
i go away from this thread right now i wish u the best off luck and do whatever u think is neccesary to do i think i cant make my point clear enough here right now.
- Post starter
- #15
Twila Little
New Here
Excellent! I'm happy for you and confident for me. I currently attend University. This is my first semester and first time out of that environment and I cry almost everyday because I never realized how f*cked up my life really was until I started seeing others being happy. Friends laughing, couples kissing, parents supporting their kids.....it sends me in a frenzy. Both of my parents are a disgrace and there are so many other factors that compact my pain. Thanks for your insights.
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- #16
Twila Little
New Here
OK well thanks for your insight and I completely understand what you mean. I respect and appreciate the advice you have given me.
Gs172003
Diamond Member
Agreed. Toxic is toxic. Blood or not. You can choose other, HEALTHY people to surround yourself with.
Heya Twila, take it easy? Starting another degree at a school at the moment does that quite commonly, so do exam & tests terms and paper deadlines, and a lot of other things of student life - it's completely normal to have stressful time with school, especially if a newbie, and doesn't mean your life as a whole is a mess. It will get easier with time. At least on the school count. :)
Jeffrey Visser
Bronze Member
:tup: i just hope u make the right decision
- Post starter
- #20
Twila Little
New Here
Thanks. It's relieving to know. My classes are extremely stressful and I try not to upset myself about it so much but I know dealing with ptsd makes it so much harder to be a student and not having a social support doesn't help. I appreciate the support that I have been receiving here however. I can't help but recognize that life would be easier if I had people to support me.
Friday
Sponsor
As adults -barring very few exceptions, like prison- we get to pick and choose whom we bring into our lives. Sometimes those answers change over time. But that's another privilege of adulthood, the ability to change one's mind. Deciding today doesn't mean in a month or a decade you can't reevaluate. Now is not forever. And lastly? A person doesn't have to be abusive, to decide you don't want them in your life. They can be a fantastic person... That you just don't like. And that's fair. Because it's your life. Make it what you want it to be. Fill it with people you actually want to be there.
It maybe doesn't need to be all or nothing right now - you're away from home so there's no real urgency about cutting them off and you may find that distance comes quite naturally as you build a life for yourself.
I found I really needed to distance myself from my parents and most of my siblings while I was in therapy processing the impact of their abuse. I started to have a bit more contact with them (i.e. 3/4 times a year instead of 1/2 times so no great, emotional reunion) and found I could just about tolerate that.
Recently I've found I can't be around them and stay healthy so I've withdrawn again and will go back to very limited contact. I've not cut off all contact because there are siblings I'm close to and would like some form of family relationship as I/they get older. I did at one point strongly feel I never wanted anything to do with them and but just never quite pulled away completely.
So, the reason I say does it need to be all or nothing right now isn't because they're family - my closest friends are my family and I love them dearly - it's because feelings can change, a lot. You're in a huge time of transition, becoming very aware of what you missed out on and feeling quite raw by the sounds of it. Work through your feelings, let yourself settling into a routine at uni and see how you feel. You may decide you want to cut them loose, you may not but once you decide to go no contact it's much harder to invite them back into your life if you change your mind - and as unlikely as it feels just now, you might.
In the meantime you can keep minimal contact - it's a busy time, arrange vacations with friends, don't have time to talk etc. You can choose the extent to which you have contact with them.
I found I really needed to distance myself from my parents and most of my siblings while I was in therapy processing the impact of their abuse. I started to have a bit more contact with them (i.e. 3/4 times a year instead of 1/2 times so no great, emotional reunion) and found I could just about tolerate that.
Recently I've found I can't be around them and stay healthy so I've withdrawn again and will go back to very limited contact. I've not cut off all contact because there are siblings I'm close to and would like some form of family relationship as I/they get older. I did at one point strongly feel I never wanted anything to do with them and but just never quite pulled away completely.
So, the reason I say does it need to be all or nothing right now isn't because they're family - my closest friends are my family and I love them dearly - it's because feelings can change, a lot. You're in a huge time of transition, becoming very aware of what you missed out on and feeling quite raw by the sounds of it. Work through your feelings, let yourself settling into a routine at uni and see how you feel. You may decide you want to cut them loose, you may not but once you decide to go no contact it's much harder to invite them back into your life if you change your mind - and as unlikely as it feels just now, you might.
In the meantime you can keep minimal contact - it's a busy time, arrange vacations with friends, don't have time to talk etc. You can choose the extent to which you have contact with them.
MichelleMillen
Bronze Member
My father sexually, physically, emotionally and even spiritually abused me all my life and my mother still stands by his denial and lies. Now at 47 I have blocked them from all social media and my phone, and I recently moved; they do not know my address. I feel strongly that you CAN choose your family. Blood means nothing, love and support does, whomever that comes from. I hardly ever think of them anymore unless I experience a trigger from his abuse. I am determined to close my life's door on anyone who does not support me and develop healthy relationships with those who do. Yes, I feel liberated. I will not even be at their funerals. I am free to seek help and allow time to heal my heart and mind.
MisterCatLady
Gold Member
I am ALLLLL about cutting out toxic people. What does blood matter when they treat you worse than a stranger on the street would?
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