Sex As Self-punishment?

[Holdingontohope]

At my last therapy appointment my T and I were talking about the self-harming (cutting) that I have done in the past. He asked if cutting was a way for me to punish myself. I said no, that it was more because the physical pain distracted me from the emotional pain I was feeling and was easier to understand and cope with at the time. Then I said that there were other things I did to punish myself instead. He asked what those other things were and I kind of just froze.

Sex was what I used to punish myself back then, and even to this day. I would do things that I didn't like or enjoy or that I thought were degrading because that was all I was good for. Sex was this cruel, manipulative, selfish thing in my mind (it still is to some extent). Sex was about making yourself feel good at someone else's expense. I would drink a lot as a teenager and go to parties and I allowed things to happen that I was/am ashamed of. It was a way of hurting myself, of reminding myself of how worthless I was. I didn't deserve to have boundaries in regards to my body. It gave me yet another reason to hate myself.

On the occasions that I felt any pleasure during sex, it was a reminder of how messed up and twisted I was. It was a reminder of how I was just like my abuser. For sex to feel good with anyone, I had to be as sick as my abuser was, right?

I was too emberassed to admit any of that to my therapist. So I just froze and we eventually moved on to something else. I have been thinking about it quite a bit since my appointment though. Just today I found myself doing the same thing. I had sex with my husband as a way of punishing myself. I let him do some things that I feel are very degrading and are very triggering for me.

Am I totally messed up that I did this/continue to do this? I have thought about bringing it up in therapy and trying to talk about it. Its just is so embarrassing.

 

[Bristol]

At my last therapy appointment my T and I were talking about the self-harming (cutting) that I...

I totally get everything you just wrote about. So if your messed up so am i, i think its hard to see sex as something special when you have experienced it as something different and theres always an element of reenacting trauma or at least there is for me, but i get to choose to make the trauma happen, maybe thats why? Im no expert on this but i relate to all of what you wrote so you arnt alone in this

 

[Holdingontohope]

Thank you Bristol. I am sorry that you can relate to this...I would usually say its nice to know I'm not alone, but in this case it doesn't feel right to say that...

I do think that, for me at least, it does have to do with reenacting the trauma, though I still don't feel like I have any control even though I am allowing it to happen, if that makes any sense.

 

[Friday]

Nope. It's really normal. So normal, in fact, that it can be really difficult to convince a lot of therapists & others that you don't use sex that way.

After sexual abuse/assault people tend to split into 1:2 major camps; sexually promiscuous & sexually anorexic. Once inside those 2 norms? There are further divisions. In the promiscuous camp, it then splits into punishment vs empowerment. Again, punishment tends to be the majority.

Should be noted that people do tend to move about on the spectrum fairly frequently, switching from one area to another. It's not like "these are your choices and your choices are final", they're just some of the different areas of reeeeeally really normal reactions. That also tend to change over time, as people change, themselves.

 

[Bristol]

Thank you Bristol. I am sorry that you can relate to this...I would usually say its nice to kn...

I think its fine to say its nice to know you arnt alone as for the most part its nice not to feel like a weirdo :) i used to enjoy the power i felt from seducing random guys, i think that gave me some weird sense of power, i dont act on it anymore but i think sometimes its nice to not feel like the victim that stuff happens to

 

[ladee]

I relate. Especially in my younger years and felt just like you shared. It was all I was good for.
Pretty much everything you shared sounds like me.
Except after my last divorce I finally owned how much I hate sex in any form.
I am not a good example of healing on this subject as I have chosen avoidance.
I have done a lot of work in this area but choose to not have this as part of my life. It had been very empowering to be celibate.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I was extremely promiscuous and yes, used sex as punishment. The more it hurt, the better. The more degrading the better, and if there was verbal abuse at the same time, then all was good. I've been celibate for almost 18 yrs now. I've learned sex isn't love, love isn't sex, and if I ever decided to have another relationship it would be on my terms and it would be my body/mind to give in love.

 

[Gs172003]

Nope. It's really normal. So normal, in fact, that it can be really difficult to convince a lot of thera...

I'm not sure how to explain this other than..for me, I'm not allowed, in my mind, to actually want it. It's not for me anyway. But I'm supposed to do it. Does that make any sense?
Like Friday said, I have been both very "hot" and very "not".

That's how it is for me anyway.

 

[joeylittle]

I relate, @Holdingontohope. You really aren't alone. I understand being ashamed and not knowing how to talk about it - but as has been pointed out, it's pretty common and your therapist will probably not even be surprised. Also since it's going on for you in your daily life right now, it might be a good time to do some work on it.

 

[Hope1969]

I feel the same. When I was younger I did things I didn't like with man I didn't like and convinced myself that I was using them. In my thirties after one abusive relationship too much I stopped seeing man and stoped being sexually active.
Now that I am in therapy I know it's not right. Didn't speak with my T about about sexuality I don't feel comfortable. I am still processing the abuse. But we will speak about it when the time will be right.

 

[Leighlee87]

I'm kinda in that same weird spot. Things have come up in the area of sex, and I WON'T go there. I know how dysfunctional that aspect of my life is. My therapist keeps knocking on that door, but I will not go there, so we move on to something else. She suspects, I know, and maybe eventually we will get to those for discussions. But for now, I would rather hide behind her pillow and die than discuss anything on that topic. The odd part for me, and part of what I struggle with, is that I only want sex if it puts me in a position of feeling used and hurt. I intentionally create situations of sexual abuse (both in real life and in my head) and act it out over and over again, yet I was only physically abused and not sexually abused. So where did this need to reenact trauma that never occurred come from? It's always bothered me. More recently, my therapist (without knowing about the sexual dysfunction) has brought up that she thinks I had DID, so I'm not entirely sure I want to upturn rocks to find out what potentially caused it, cause I already have suspicions.