Do I Just Need To Accept That I've Been Beaten By My Own Resistance?

[barefoot]

I've been writing about my challenges with therapy quite a bit here lately. Apologies if I am going on about it a lot! I'm just finding it really hard and frustrating and I'm feeling very anxious and upset about the whole thing.

I wrote in this thread
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/has-anyone-conquered-dissociation-in-therapy.67621/
about my resistance to trauma work - that I consciously want to do it and intend to do it because I want to make progress and to "heal". And because my therapist said from the start that that was what I needed to do. But that, when I touch into it - even very slightly - I seem to trigger something and then have severely dissociated episodes, which are very distressing (during and afterwards) As a result, we haven't really been able to do any work on it.

As I mentioned in the above thread, a few weeks ago, my therapist said I had to listen to, respect and accept "the no" and that doing the deeper work wasn't in service to me. I was really upset and went in the following week on a mission to really nail the fact that I want to keep trying and to try to come up with new things to try to make it possible. Session went really well, I felt so positive, she seemed to feel that way too and it felt like we were completely back on track and committed to forging ahead.

The last couple of weeks though, she's gone back to saying that we need to be realistic and it doesn't really matter what I write on my brain storm sheets that I've been taking in to facilitate our conversations or what I say in these kinds of planning sessions because, when it comes to actually doing it, the resistance appears and a shed load of defences kick in (including dissociation), which means we can't do the work. She isn't questioning my intention. Just that talking about wanting to do it is one thing - actually doing it is another. So, she's now back to saying that I have to accept that I can't do "the deeper work" and we should instead focus on more surface level here and now stuff, like managing my symptoms of anxiety/depression and being connected to/living my life more fully and building my business etc.

I feel devastated. I understand that saying I want to do it and actually doing it are totally different things - but I thought we'd come up with a couple of different things to try. And it's not that I don't see the value in the here and now stuff. My anxiety and depression has got worse lately and the lack of motivation that has come along with that means that I've pretty much given up on my business, so I don't have any work and am not earning any money, which is causing more anxiety. But I can't find the motivation/energy to fix it. So, if we can ease those symptoms and get my work mojo back and get my finances into better shape again, that would obviously be brilliant.

I just feel so crushed and deflated about the "deeper work" totally coming off the table. Because she isn't saying, "let's get you into a better position and get your symptoms better under control and then we can try again." She's talking as though it's a blanket "no more" and very clearly and firmly saying that I need to accept that.

It feels like a massive failure on my part.

And it feels totally dispiriting - she's kind of held that work up as being the beacon of all things healing so all along I've thought that's what I was aiming to do and that would make a real difference. And is now telling me I can't do it. So that feels horrible and frightening - that this is as good as I can get with that stuff, which feels nowhere good enough to me. Because if doing that work means healing, not doing it means...not healing? And that feels really upsetting and unbearably disappointing.

Any thoughts on what you would do next if you were me? I suppose what I'm asking is, do I now need to:
- Keep pushing to try to work on the deeper layers around the trauma-related stuff again - though we seem stuck here at the moment as I keep saying I want to and she keeps saying I can't.
- Accept her professional opinion and try to find a way to accept that it isn't going to happen.
- Something else?!

Thanks

barefoot

 

[Suzetig]

There are many roads to recovery. Not one, not even one ideal one - there are lots.

I remember my T in our early days talking about me not feeling safe enough, recognising there was a depth of pain but that I just wouldn't go there and offering me space and a relationship where I could work things out at my own pace. I had many months of struggling to speak, avoiding the actual issues, protesting that I did feel safe and leaving sessions knowing I had gone nowhere near what I wanted to.

At that time I thought jumping in to a deep relationship was the "gold standard" of therapy and I pushed and pushed. And regularly PTSD kicked my arse, hard. I just about held on to my job by virtue of a very scared employer but was far from functioning, in a job with significant levels of responsibility. I withdrew from close relationships and was quite unwell, going from crisis to crisis. Always ending up back at my therapists door.

What I learned (which my T already knew) is that those defences, that resistance is there for a reason. In time I learned not just to accept it but to value it and know it's keeping me safe from *something*. We did lots of work on the here and now, and did the same stuff over and over again, it felt like. I know now what we were doing was chipping away at the stuff I was defending against, building my capacity to cope with strong emotions, building enough trust to know she could handle me in all my glory.

It may be that the work she's suggesting is right for now, it may create capacity, trust, attachment that will enable your defences to relax a bit and she may be happier to go there. Or she may be the person to get you so far along your journey and someone else do the deeper work - when you're ready and it's not by force.

There may also be other ways for you - deep relational therapy isn't for everyone and there are lots of other approaches to try that can and do bring healing. It's not a case if if you can't do this you're doomed forever, not at all.

I don't know how you're accessing treatment but is your work with her time limited or open ended? Could you give yourself a break, do work that's within your tolerance level and see if that helps you reach some level of functioning and go from there?

 

[desiderata310]

well... I'm 3 years in to this whole thing and I can say that she's got a point.
If there's no foundation then every time you dig into something hard, you just topple over which is actually detrimental to getting better. It sets you back, set therapy up as a place of anxiety and pain, and can actually make you fearful of going in. Which is, needless to say, counterproductive.

So... let's spin it. There's a TON of metaphors but I'm going to talk in theatrical terms since they are most comfortable for me.

IF you want to put on a performance you have to have a stage: a platform if you will. And that platform needs to be sturdy, be able to take the weight of the performance about to load in. It should be able to take a shock load (see where I'm headed?).

Now I can throw up a couple of pieces of cheap aluminum and toss some boards on top but it won't stand up to anything heavy and when we get something of any weight on there I'm going to wind up with a stage that's going to have to be torn apart and rebuilt. That costs time and money and doesn't make anyone happy. ESPECIALLY OSHA or the Fire marshal.

So now, if I take the time, to properly build the stage, make sure that there is adequate bracing, etc, I can start building on that and I don't have to worry about the stage itself collapsing. If we decided to build a trapeze on that stage there is going to be quite a bit of shock loading happening every time a performer leaps from one place to the next. I want my performers to be safe. so take the extra time and do it right

Now, is that frustrating? HELL YEAH. It's super frustrating. So is starting over when you get whacked by something because your stage isn't built right and every time you have to rebuild the stage you're effing up the ground underneith it and come on, we want farmer jones to give us the deposit back when we're done so we need to take care of what's under there.

I'm not sure if that helps at all.

I can also go with the ultra marathon metaphor
I mean, you wouldn't get up and decide that you were going to go out and do a 50 mile race tomorrow with no training, right? You'd have what runners call a 'base'. Runners work for months/years to have a running base: a place that they can start from even if they took a month off from training.

So, maybe in that way think of this as some sort of ultra race, not a sprint.

blah blah... hope that helps...

 

[barefoot]

those defences, that resistance is there for a reason. In time I learned not just to accept it but to value it and know it's keeping me safe from *something*

Yes...therapist keeps talking about "unconscious material" and that my resistance is around stuff we don't know about. I can't wrap my head around that and the whole idea spooks me.

It may be that the work she's suggesting is right for now, it may create capacity, trust, attachment that will enable your defences to relax a bit and she may be happier to go there

I feel like I need to build capacity to feel emotions and not get totally overwhelmed/freak out. It sounds more like the work she's suggesting is to just help support me in living my day to day life. I don't mean "just" because that's obviously important. I just mean she hasn't said anything about it having other purposes. I think I do trust her - she has said before that she thinks I trust her "to a point." When we had the really positive session a couple of weeks ago and I was sitting on the floor with loads of brainstorms having pulled loads of therapy-related stuff together, she said that the energy in the space was very different and that we felt more that we were working as a team - that she felt that I felt safer and not so wary of her/the space. At the moment, I'm definitely feeling wary. At the same time, I adore her. I'm so attached and I hate that. It's like I have a constant internal conflict - desperate to be closer to her but also freaked out and trying to keep her "over there." It's confusing :-(

Or she may be the person to get you so far along your journey and someone else do the deeper work

This thought panics me at the moment - at the moment, all I can think of is how desperate I feel to carry on working with her. The thought of "losing her" feels terrifying. And that in turn feels pathetic and shameful :-(

is your work with her time limited or open ended

I knew when the pre-paid-for sessions were coming to an end (I have two sessions left) I don't know what she will suggest for going forward - especially as I can't afford her fees so I have to wait and see what she is willing to offer me. I suspect she may offer a short term arrangement, hence a focus on practical surface level here and now stuff. Of course, it is also beneficial for her if I get my business mojo back and start earning more money as then I will be able to pay her properly. That's quite cynical, isn't it? But it is on my mind. As is the fact that her saying we can't do the trauma work and I have to accept that happens to coincide with the corporate money running out...

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @desiderata310 That makes sense and I like both those metaphors - theatrical ones work well for me too :)

I guess I have thought that 2.5 years feels like a long time to still be at this point. I think that, right now, my stage isn't stable enough, since my anxiety and depression has worsened. Though I think that is partly due to all this therapy situation anyway!

Perhaps I will agree to a more surface level, here and now focus to try to stabilise and strengthen my stage. But I think I want to say that, when I am in a better place with that, perhaps we can review where we are with the trauma stuff. I think I just want to think that it's not completely off the table but that we're parking it for now but leaving the door open for another time, potentially (sorry - mixing my metaphors here!)

 

[barefoot]

I think I've been thinking all this time that I have to fight and keep fighting for it,

I'm getting the message from you guys now though - and on the other thread - that this isn't a battle. And that approaching it as a battle is probably prolonging and exacerbating the fight...? And that I'm just getting more battered in the process...

So that's real food for thought...

 

[desiderata310]

Nothing is off the table but it's not ready to come off the truck, YET. Stop trying to reach for stuff that the truckloaders can't get at yet. Someone's gonna get hurt! Remember that in any load in there is an order to things, if you try to take something out too early it just gets in the way and gums up the works. Foundation stuff first , the leads' gondolas with communication equipment, wardrobe, etc. Your truck is double stacked. Take your time unloading it. Safety first and all that jazz.

 

[Suzetig]

Of course, it is also beneficial for her if I get my business mojo back and start earning more money as then I will be able to pay her properly. That's quite cynical, isn't it?

I don't think it's cynical - of course it's going to be on your mind. And in fairness to her, she needs to consider the ethics of starting what would be long term therapy with someone who can't financially afford it.

Even if she can offer a reduced fee to continue the work, there's a danger that the money would get in the way. For example you might feel you can't fully express yourself, contact her for support etc because you aren't paying her fully and her circumstances could change to where she needed you to pay. That doesn't mean it can't or won't be possible but moving from a "paid for" service to a private arrangement isn't straightforward and she's really right to consider what's possible.

I may be way off track here but as I was reading your post I couldn't help wonder if part of the drive to be able to do deeper work is you maybe thinking that if you could "go there" she would stay and work with you? If you've only got 2 sessions left it's perfectly reasonable to be asking her about ongoing sessions, what she can offer etc. I know those conversations can feel awkward, if you're wary of asking in person I wonder if you could email her telling her what you could afford on a regular basis and asking what she can offer.

For example, if her usual rate is £40/session and you can afford £80/month (and I've plucked these figures out of the air, you may be able to offer much less) would she agree to fortnightly session, or shorter weekly sessions, or a fee reduction. Baring in mind it would be a long term committment for both of you albeit in the hope that your circumstances will change.

It's ok to be attached to her and to be anxious about whether she's going to be there. I remember mine saying she'd work with me at my pace, for as long as I wanted, to the frequency of session that suited me - and she's been true to her word. That one thing has made it possible to do deeper work. Uncertainty in therapy is no small thing, don't underestimate its impact on you.

 

[barefoot]

@desiderata310 OK..you think I'm still trying to rush...? OK...noted!
Perhaps then I just agree to focus on the here and now stuff and concentrate on that and getting my relationship with therapist feeling secure again. Perhaps that's as much as I need to commit to at the moment...?

 

[watundah]

^^
I think that sounds like a good plan.
I would still need some bend from her about what sounds like such a uncompromising 'no'.... if she leaves the door open for eventually doing the work that you want to do.

 

[barefoot]

I may be way off track here but as I was reading your post I couldn't help wonder if part of the drive to be able to do deeper work is you maybe thinking that if you could "go there" she would stay and work with you?

Yes, I'm sure there is truth in that. I suppose I am worried that if she doesn't think we are getting anywhere she won't be open to me taking up a client space - especially when I can't pay her normal fee at the moment.

My current financial situation is dire, which has to change - not just so I can afford therapy but because it isn't sustainable for my partner and I to continue like this. So any arrangement we reach in terms of reduced fee will be on the proviso that, when my work circumstances change, I will pay her properly. I have a potential thing in the pipeline which, if it comes off, will massively turn my finances around. I just have no idea if it will and don't know when I'll get an answer on that.

She has said for about a year that, if it comes to it and the paid for sessions run out and we still have work to do, we will find a way to continue. She charges high fees (around £150 an hour) and has said numerous times that it allows her to keep a few places for clients who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford therapy. She said a couple of weeks ago that she wasn't going to abandon me and she would meant what she said about making something work. And I was saying yesterday about wanting to carry on and that I felt mortified and she asked if it was about not feeling ready to leave the space yet and I said yes. And she said, "so then you're not ready...and that's OK". So I think she will offer something. I just think it might only be a small number of sessions to do this surface stuff then let me go :-(

So, yes...for her to offer me one of those places and to offer me a vastly reduced rate that I can afford at the moment, she has to feel that it/I am worth it. And I am very worried that she won't feel that because I am stuck and can't do it :-(

 

[Suzetig]

That's an incredibly high fee for therapy in the U.K. - most of the folk in private practice near me charge between £40-50 per session unless they're with an agency who charge a booking fee. Seriously they're US prices in a U.K. market - what are her qualifications?

And you're worth it regardless of whether you're ready to do the work or not, but the money thing is already in there, which is really natural. It's ok for you to talk through your fears that she wants to do short term surface work, that you feel a need to be ready before you're ready etc.