Anxiety

[saraemerald]

I feel like I need so much help right now. I am hurting and I have so much anxiety that when I go to work and have to interact with customers, I am struggling to smile and to provide good customer service. Some days I feel I can barely breathe, other times I feel like hitting something and I get angry so easily. I just feel so frustrated. And the funny thing about this is I used to rarely feel angry. I would just always keep the peace and smile. Now I feel like a ball of toxic tension.

 

[saraemerald]

I also feel like I have no right or excuse to feel this way. I feel so much shame it's not even funny in any way. I wish it were. Lol.
I feel like I am bringing all this on myself, like it is all my fault, where I am in my life now and I want to blame it on other people but I can't. But in reality, people were really mean to me. And I let it affect me for some reason. I never thought I would ever do that. I thought I was going to be strong and move on.
But I have feelings. I have always had feelings and always wanted a good person to give me a hug and tell me they care and really mean it. And to be a good friend. I always had a lot of people though that showed that they cared about me in my congregation I grew up in. So what am I talking about?
And then that religion disfellowshipped me without even explaining anything to me or telling why they were, so everyone I was ever close to in that religion, had to cease talking to me. And I guess that messes with your head.

 

[Yasukuni]

That must suck so bad! I have the same experience at my job. It's like its all these thoughts and flashbacks haunt me right there and then. Its about not being free to cry and vent in private. For me its like being stuck in a place where these emotions aren't allowed, just like how it was in my family. I get some relieve knowing that I'm free to walk away, but then I think about the rent, about the angry wellfare man pushing me to get to work and how I am too proud to put a file on his desk that says I'm 'not allright in the head'. That feels like giving up, like giving my family (who are not even in my life) finally a good stick to beat me with and prove to others that 'I'm not allright in the head' and that its all my fault. I have a job that gives me some room to be in a bad mood and to avoid contact. Maybe you should get a job like that too? I listen to Lisa A romano's videos a lot, and meditate, that helps, getting to my higher self, to watch my thoughts and say 'no not right now' to them and push myself to think about a great future.

 

[saraemerald]

That must suck so bad! I have the same experience at my job. It's like its all these thoughts and flas...

The thing is, I love my job and the people I work for. It would not be a good choice for me to leave it. And most of the customers I have to deal with are pleasant people. I'm just not in a good place in my life right now and not too happy with myself either and am still somewhat confused about the drastic change of circumstances in the last few years of my life and confused about how I have reacted. Like I am not myself anymore

 

[Yasukuni]

I see. Do you have enough friends to talk about this? I haven't , and I've noticed that the things I'm going through wants to be heard and reflected by others so bad that my actions are almost uncontrollably directed towards an explosion of some sorts just to be seen and heard, the inner kid screaming out! I know now that I really have to get more friends before I go off at collegues or maybe in your case with customers. Its a good thing to talk about it here! wish you much strength, and maybe you need to find like a good outlet like arts. I know artmaking or just listening to gangster rap sometimes really helps sooo much.

 

[saraemerald]

I see. Do you have enough friends to talk about this? I haven't , and I've noticed that the things I'm...

I have my therapist that I see every other week. Other than that, I don't have any friends that understand what I have been through and it leaves me feeling achy inside real bad. I want to get it all out of my system, I want to heal and I want to move on And breathe and live my life.

 

[saraemerald]

I used to write poetry, listen to awesome music, and do art, and make jewelry, volunteer, do things for others and make or give things to others, cook, sleep, work, (I have always kept myself busy), made friends, did my religion I used to be a pArt of almost 24/7, I read books about PTSD, deep breathing excercises, ate very good, healthy food, hiked, exercised, etc. I got myself to a beautiful place in life. Then I experienced a spiritual crisis of some sort and self sabotage, and left the Jehovah's Witnesses while still believing they had the truth, started ruining my life and eventually after much research, have discovered they don't have "the truth". And now 2 years ago, I was disfellowshipped and had to restart my life all over again and slowly make new friends. And this is all after I had been trying to heal from an entire lifetime of child abuse and severe disfunction in my family. I used to be a goody two shoes, not because I wanted to be but because I was trying to rise above my childhood and I was trying to do everything right.

 

[Yasukuni]

Same! I also have like nobody in my environment that understands this intense unjustifiable rejection that I've experienced and what it does to your soul. I can't wait for the day when my tears just dry up and I'm done with it! I have the feeling that it never will though and that I need to find good channels to put all that bad energy into. Breathing right, taking deep breaths and imagine it going out of your system when exhaling sometimes really helps for me in the moment.

 

[saraemerald]

Same! I also have like nobody in my environment that understands this intense unjustifiable rejection...

My therapist suggested yoga to me. I go when I feel like it but I'm still stuck with these feelings. I know I can't make anything go back to where it was and sometimes we have to break before we can get to a better place in life again. I don't see that yet where I am in my life now but I am hoping to get there. I am just ashamed of how I acted when I left my religion, like I just started tearing myself apart and doing stupid things I never would do before

 

[saraemerald]

My therapist suggested yoga to me. I go when I feel like it but I'm still stuck with these feelings...

And I have a terribly hard time with forgiveness

 

[Yasukuni]

oh man, forgiveness.. pff. I know I have been in emotional places that gave me forgiveness but still there is this lingering resentment. To me its about understanding the serious weaknesses and reactions to hurt some people have that are foreign to me and feeling for them that they aren't able to be that human. That automatically makes me feel pretty good about my own humanity! You should feel good about that too. How did you acted when you left your religion? was it like being bad to yourself? or just living it out in ways that were bad to them? Then I wouldnt feel to bad about it. That inner critic is usually just the voice of people who didn't understand what life is about.

 

[saraemerald]

oh man, forgiveness.. pff. I know I have been in emotional places that gave me forgiveness but still t...

I just started to degrade myself. I was hurting myself emotionally and weakening my backbone I once had. It's like I suddenly just turned against myself. And then I just started making bad decisions and stopped taking care of myself. At the time, I still believed in the religion but was disheartened and didn't want to be the good, sweet, religious, single girl waiting for "Armageddon" to happen. I was happy because I finally healed my PTSD symptoms, but was still single and a faithful J.W. doing "everything I was supposed to be doing" according to that religion. But I didn't feel truly close to anyone or genuinely satisfied. I thought something must have been wrong with my faith then. And I didn't want to be the person that was happy all the time no matter what negative things were happening in my life, cuz of faith in a God.