Relationship Cheating Caused By Ptsd?

[James623]

My wife has PTSD from being raped by a previous boyfriend. We have been married for 5 years. She recently admitted to me that she cheated on me 7 months ago. She had been out at a bachelorette party for a friend and had gotten really drunk. The groom-to-be offered to drive her home. While he was driving her, he told her she was really pretty and kissed her. She kissed him back. Then he pulled over to the side of the road and undid his pants. She started to give him a blow job, then stopped and said that she loved me. He then drove her home.

She says that she didn't tell me because she felt so guilty. She started seeing a therapist and the therapist told her it wasn't her fault, that it was just a combination of the alcohol and the PTSD that she has from the previous sexual assault. I love her and want to believe her but don't know what to think. Is the PTSD really to blame for this?

I want to confront this guy, but she doesn't want me to because she is afraid of how it would look if people found out. What should I do?

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD does not cause cheating.

It may lead to negative self worth or some self destructive feelings, but she still has the choice whether or not to act on it. Acting out sexually may be a coping mechanism, but it is not a symptom. She can help herself.

Obviously she can because she says she stopped. Why didn't she stop when he tried to kiss her?

I think a lot of supporters want to believe it is the PTSD and not their partners. PTSD doesn't excuse it, just like it wouldn't excuse violence, lying, stealing, what have you. Also, her therapist isn't doing her any favors telling her that infidelity "isn't her fault." She needs to own her own issues if she wants to make progress.

Everybody has their boundaries... how much you're willing to work through or forgive. Just like some people will excuse infidelity because of alcohol involvement. Some supporters will forgive infidelity because it is a habit or coping mechanism their sufferer uses when they feel bad. Only you can decide where your boundary line is.

And I can tell you one thing... it is perfectly fine and dandy to say that cheating for any and all reasons is NOT ACCEPTABLE if that is how you feel, even if she has PTSD.

 

[Friday]

PTSD doesn't cause; cheating or any other form of acting out sexually, lying, honesty, perfectionism, drug or alcohol abuse, cutting or other forms of self harm, thrill seeking, lashing out, or any other unhealthy (or healthy) coping mechanism. Those are choices we make, and ways that we respond to symptoms. Common choices? Yes. But still choices. As far as alcohol being an excuse? Sure. The same way it excuses a drunk driver from the wreck they caused. As in, no.

I can see a good therapist explaining how sexual trauma often leads to acting out sexually, and how alcohol lowers inhibitions, etc., but just like the alcohol explains the otherwise good driver wrecking their car, explanations aren't excuses. It doesn't mean it's not your fault. It means it's common to act out sexually or wreck your car, and there's shit you need to do because it's clearly an issue. Because it is our fault when we're behaving badly. Not the reverse.

 

[Neverthesame]

I want to confront this guy, but she doesn't want me to because she is afraid of how it would look if people found out.

Take another look at this statement.

You know what it looks like to me?

To borrow Friday's analogy. It looks like someone trying to pull a U-Turn to avoid a checkstop.
Why? Because they're too drunk to drive, and they know it.

She's worried it will make her look bad, because she knowingly did a bad thing.

But as Sweetpea said. It's up to you to figure out how you want to proceed with this relationship.

 

[Gs172003]

My wife has PTSD from being raped by a previous boyfriend. We have been married for 5 years. She rece...

The therapist is questionable for telling her that IF she did. Not only did this girl cheat on you...she betrayed her friend's trust. And frankly if the groom to be is cheating BEFORE the wedding doesn't the bride deserve to know just as much as you?

 

[Fadeaway]

Pretty much what everyone else has said. However, as wrong as what she DID do is, she stopped it before it went any farther which leads me to believe that she is less likely to be a repeat offender.

If you think confronting this guy would give you a peace of mind, go for it, she doesn't really get a say in that as far as I am concerned. Just be careful not to act illegally like decking the guy, even if he deserves it.

 

[The Albatross]

Alcohol is a disinhibitor. Agree with Neverthesame.

 

[Sandstone]

Although I'm inclined to agree generaly with the view that PTSD doesn't cause cheating, I would say that it can make it harder to believe I am entitled to say no. The story you have told is one of him making the running and her going along with it, until she did finally stop things. With a past history of rape, and even more so of childhood abuse, it can be hard in the moment to know that one has rights over one's own body.

 

[Friday]

I would say that it can make it harder to believe I am entitled to say no.

Agreed. And that's one of those thousands of things where personality & life experience run smack dab into PTSD, IMO. One person either flashes back to the past & mixes up what's real here & now (&/or has core beliefs about what they have to do that kick into play given the scenario of drunk in a car with a man with his pants down) in either case feeling like they're back when... gives someone a blowjob. Another person screams and runs away. Another person physically assaults &/or kills the bloke. Another person kills themselves, stepping out into traffic rather than face this again. Another person reaches for the booze so they know they won't remember whatever happens next. Another person calls/texts someone looking for validation. Another person is thrilled by -one or more of many- risks of cheating. Another person reads the bloke the riot act. And on and on. Same trauma. Same symptom. Different responses to that symptom.

 

[James623]

Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate it.

Sandstone & Friday: I think that is what she is trying to say. She was also sexually assaulted by a family member who is a couple of years older than her when they were young children. So, in the situation 7 months ago, she says she was just going along with what he wanted and her past sexual history made it hard to say no.

I'm really struggling with this, because like others have said, why didn't she say no after he kissed her. Without prying her mouth open, how could he force her do to what she did next.

I love her and don't want a divorce. I'm just hurting and trying to figure out where to go from here.

 

[Gs172003]

Although I'm inclined to agree generaly with the view that PTSD doesn't cause cheating, I would say t...

I misread the first post. I read it as SHE unzipped his pants not him

In that case yeah I agree.

 

[James623]

And frankly if the groom to be is cheating BEFORE the wedding doesn't the bride deserve to know just as much as you?

I have mentioned this to her also and she is really afraid of me telling the bride. She is afraid that the bride will try to retaliate against her and/or post something to facebook letting everyone know what happened.