Relationship I Tried To Support My Sufferer

[boodle]

I tried and tried so hard to support my sufferer over the festive period. I'm back home from her house now, 3 days early, alone on new years eve, wondering what has happened.

My sufferer has seemed to be getting emotionally distant recently, despite saying that she loved me on many occasions (she even said it yesterday). There were several anniversaries of traumatic events to contend with over the last couple of months which could explain the emotional distance. Christmas is a particularly difficult time for her. It is also a difficult time for me for various reasons, but not in such an intense way.

I was very mindful of the difficulties and spent lots of energy ensuring she was supported through this time. She wanted her friends to visit and we also visited her friends. I was a little disappointed that we didn't have much time for ourselves, for us to be together. I mentioned this and she promised we would have some time together. It didn't really happen, but in some ways it way nice having her friends to distract her from the anniversaries.

My sufferer self medicates with alcohol and has terrible trouble with sleep. She mainly goes to bed between 2am and 4am, and gets up between 12pm and 2pm. She point blank refuses to come to bed earlier and goes into a shut-out if I mention it. I usually have to go to bed earlier as I feel ill if I keep those hours. I don't really like going to bed on my own all the time as it seems so lonely. However, so that we could have time together over Xmas, I tried to stay up to the early hours each day as I did not have to get up for work. After over a week of doing that I started to feel quite tired and low.

It had been an emotional week, I had to deal with my own Xmas demons, and I was feeling tired and low. I woke up this morning around 6.30 am feeling alone even though she was there. I began to cry, I couldn't help it. My sufferer woke and asked what was wrong. I said I needed her to hold me. She did hold me but became angry and started to blame me for being needy. She then got up and went into shut out mode. I had to leave and head home as there was nothing I could do. I feel so sad, lonely, tired.

I didn't want to be so weak when she must have been going through turmoil and I wanted to support her so much, but I feel hurt that I didn't get a reassuring hug when I was so desperate for one.

She asked for her house keys back too. I'm beside myself, I just don't know what to do, how to deal with this and how to quantify it in my mind.

Any comments from supporters or sufferers would be really appreciated. Thank you

 

[lostforgottensoul]

There are many reasons I, a sufferer, would do this and can see myself in this a lot but before I even get into that, first, does she have a therapist and second, alcohol *or any drug use) pours a whole new level of difficulty on the situation. I huffed duster through a few years of therapy and not much can be done when you are self medicating.

Anyway, beyond all that, I can see many things that would make her want to push away. As a sufferer, I push harder at the the people I love the most. So the ones I loved the most gets pushed away harder and gets pushed away the most. The reason is I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to cause them any more distress.

Anger is a go to emotion for me. I have, what looks like rage explosions but that are pure anxiety and I look like I am exploding into a rageful mess over nothing when my anxiety happened to spike then and/or the junk I have been stuffing came out at that time.

So her anger at you for holding you may be many things. All of this could be many things. All of it could be alcohol as well or at least alcohol is making it all way worse then it would be without it. Maybe what she is numbing is crashing down on her at that time and maybe she doesn't have any other coping skills to deal with it so just deals badly.

She needs a therapist if she doesn't have one and she needs to stop medicating but none of this can you help other than to suggest or advise or urge. It's on her to gain the help she needs and to stop self medicating and get actual real medical treatment.

ETA: I'd say a go thing you can do is set boundtries, adhere to them (boundries others set for me help me a ton) and understand. When pushed away, go without holding a grudge type of thing. I know it sucks but only she can help her and you need to figure out how patient you can be with it and what you will and will not allow in your life (boundries).

 

[boodle]

Dear Lostforgottonsoul,

Thank-you so much for your very helpful reply.

She doesn't have a therapist at present, she started therapy a couple of years ago but stopped when her Dad passed away. I don't like to talk too much about therapy and the self medication as she is very sensitive about it.

I just don't know whether to contact her or whether to just leave her alone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Contacting her would depend on some factors. Did you leave, or did she ask you to leave? Did she tell you not to contact her again? Did she break up with you?

 

[boodle]

Contacting her would depend on some factors. Did you leave, or did she ask you to leave? Did she tel...

Hi Sweetpea, I left. Just re read her text from first thing and she said she wanted to be left alone so I guess thats my answer. There was no mention of breaking up but she asked for her keys back

 

[ldj]

Oh boodle - 'Cheers to us!' and a big 'up yours!' to PTSD!!! It's flippin' hard isn't it :mad:

I'm home alone on New Year's Eve too. Not that it particularly bothers me, never been fussed about it. Prob won't stay up til midnight. I'm swimming in the sea at 9.30am tomorrow so don't want to be up too late anyway! Yes, I know. Bonkers! Apparently "South Today" are coming down with a film crew. Ha, look out for me on the news!

It's so tough, isn't it. Dealing with rejection when we care so much and just desperately want to make our partners better. But as lostforgottensoul says, we've just got to remember not to take it personally. They're only pushing us away because they love us so much and don't want to hurt us. Or they're not even knowingly pushing us away, that's our interpretation of it. They're just needing their space in order to just survive the stress they're feeling at that moment.

However much I told myself that though, didn't stop me feeling crap.

Hang on in there! xx

 

[ldj]

Oh and by the way, how much reading have you done on PTSD? Do you know what you should be doing as a supporter to help yourself cope?

I've been finding the following book really helpful (you could say it's a bit late for me now my relationship's over, and maybe yours is too, but it's still helping me understand and kind of gain closure. Plus, in my heart, I haven't ruled out us being together again one day)
Here's a link to it:

Dead Link Removed

 

[boodle]

Oh boodle - 'Cheers to us!' and a big 'up yours!' to PTSD!!! It's flippin' hard isn't it :mad:

I'm home al...

You're not kidding Idj. It is so tough for all of us, sufferers and supporters alike.

I'm sat here going through all the, 'should I have done it differently', 'should I have said something else' scenarios. My next door neighbour saw the car back and asked if we both wanted to come over for the bells, but I had to say it would only be me. Nonetheless, I will go over instead of moping. I wish, like yourself, I wasn't so bothered about it. Not so sure about the 9.30 am dip in the sea though, as I live in Scotland!

Thank you for the heads up on the book. I will check it out. I hope it is not to late but likely is. As you say though it could give some explanation and closure.

Thank-you for your support and good luck with the swim in the morning!

 

[Sweetpea76]

@boodle there's nothing you could have done better. If it's not one thing, it'd be another. You're allowed to have feelings and emotions too. You can't feel guilty about what you did or didn't do.

 

[boodle]

@boodle there's nothing you could have done better. If it's not one thing, it'd b...

Oh Sweetpea, thank-you, that has helped so much with my self-doubt. Happy new year to you.

 

[Glara]

It's so hard to be rejected all the time. And I always want to say "I love you" and that freaks him out. I tell him I care and I'm here and I say everything else except those words.

 

[boodle]

Oh and by the way, how much reading have you done on PTSD? Do you know what you should be doing as a suppor...

@ldj I got a copy of the book you suggested. Wow, its brilliant! I've only got it today and have read the first couple of chapters but it is really helpful.
Thank-you so much.

I have done quite a lot of reading on the subject, but my sufferer seemed to get upset about it saying it was patronising. I still can't quite understand why she would have had that reaction. I carried on reading, but in private, it was the only way I could cope.

BTW, I hope it wasn't too cold on your New Years Day swim