Relationship Criticism

[boodle]

Just before my sufferer goes into a shut-out, she tends to get angry and launch lots of criticism at me. It really hurts because I really do try my best. Some of the criticism is perfectly valid. The strange thing is that lots of it doesn't even relate to me and I could even go as far as saying some of it relates more to my partner even though it is directed at me. Why would she do that? Any experience from both supporters and sufferers would be really helpful. Many thanks

 

[Justmehere]

Fight or flight sometimes means someone lashes out verbally to push someone away with verbal attacks.

That being said, having ptsd doesn't excuse being overly critical.

 

[Buttercup]

@boodle I don't know if it's helpful, but yes, this happens to me too. for me, not super critical...well, for me it is but not as much as I've read here in other situations. But the turning things around on me and blaming me for doing something that I have not done, but that he has actually done. It's very blatant too. Meaning, he will be actively doing the thing he is accusing me of before not speaking to me for weeks.

so I can't help in offering any insight, because it is very frustrating and confusing for me. I guess you can just know that you are not alone!

 

[Panda Bear]

My biggest and meanest tantrums were often focused on my husband and whatever he was doing that I dreamed wrong. When in realities, nothing was wrong and he was just a bystander to my massive ptsd meltdown.

When my brain would go haywire shutdown, nothing made sense and I was often so triggered and such a mess, that some pretty hefty stuff flew out of my mouth. I lived in a constant state of fight or flight and my husband would do the smallest thing and it would set me off.

I'm sorry this is happening to both of you, but it's not okay and ptsd doesn't give me or anyone else the right to behave and hurt our partners. We are still responsible for our actions. Now that I've had a lot of help, I can recognize my thought process and pattern of behavior, stop it before it spirals(sometimes I can't) and think before I speak.

Is she able to come back around after the altercation and see how her behavior is damaging? I wasn't at first and didn't for a long time, but now my husband can call me out calmly and help me reboot.

 

[boodle]

@boodle I don't know if it's helpful, but yes, this happens to me too. for me, not super...

@tlc Thank-you for your reply. Sorry to hear the same is happening to you. You do question your sanity when accusations that have no relation to you are being made. Hopefully we can gain some insight from the replies to this thread.

 

[boodle]

My biggest and meanest tantrums were often focused on my husband and whatever he was doing that I dr...

@Panda Bear Thank-you so much for your post and your honesty. It does provide a great insight and helps to understand why it happens.

Yes, she has on occasion understood how it hurts me. This is usually in the discussion after the ensuing shut-out. This is when she is at her most open. I do think she is trying to deal with this behaviour though.

We are currently in a shut-out at the moment which possibly is the worst one we have had, however she did seem to control the criticism beforehand.

 

[Friday]

Dude. You want some time to yourself? Say so. Because the next time you start spouting this bullshit you'll get time to yourself AND a fat lip. :shifty:

^^^
AKA I tend to go toe to toe with someone, and raise the stakes from verbal to physical.

Not necessarily the healthiest idea on the planet, but an honest one. As in, in that situation where someone (adult) is making me go away by pissing me off, instead of manning up, finding their spine, and asking nicely? I have about zero tolerance for.

Cough. In no small part because I don't believe people say shit when they're angry they don't mean. I think what I'm hearing is what their thinking/feeling with no filters attached to make it more socially acceptable. In anger, veritas. In theory that may not be true, but everyone I've ever personally known who swears it's not true for them? It's been totally true. :bored: Shrug. So as a personal rule of thumb I weight words spoken in anger at least equally -if not more- than words spoken sweetly.

But that's just me & what I do. Not saying it's a good idea, much less what anyone else should do.

 

[Panda Bear]

Ahh...the shut-out......shut down.....whatever brings you space and keeps you from connecting and being vulnerable.

I think what you might need to know(assuming you don't....) is that sometimes a shut down that happens is a must and if she can have it and not end up lashing out? Even better. Hiding is okay as long as we can come back to earth and try to channel what brought us into a meltdown. Hiding eventually becomes taking a break. But we have to come back out and face the world and that is hard. My husband had to really learn that it wasn't about him and my shut down, shut out, leave me alone moments weren't meant to hurt him. It was better for me to say leave me alone than be left out in the open where I'll fight tooth and nail.

Anyways....let the shut out happen and try not to take It personally. Men fix.....but this? PTSD....you can fix and it's helpless feeling. And for that I'm sorry.

 

[Abstract]

Have you tried laying down some ground rules when things are calm and she is calm? Its ok to set limits for yourself and take action accordingly. Its tricky when someone is blaming you for things they have done not you,. If she has insight after that helps. If not its hard. It can be projection. People finding it unacceptable to deal with their own thoughts or actions to subscribing it to others. Hard to deal with.

 

[boodle]

Dude. You want some time to yourself? Say so. Because the next time you start spouting this bullshit you...

@Friday
Thank-you for posting. Its good to see all points of view.

 

[boodle]

Ahh...the shut-out......shut down.....whatever brings you space and keeps you from connecting and be...

@Panda Bear
Its certaily becoming clear since reating this forum that the shut-outs are not to be taken personally. Even though its sometime hard to understand, I think I'm now getting it. My sufferer said she did this to protect me. I couldn't understand that at first as I felt worse in a shut out. I do understand why now.

 

[boodle]

Have you tried laying down some ground rules when things are calm and she is calm? Its ok to set limits...

Yes, very recently, while in a more receptive moment. Before a shut out she tended to barrage me with blame texts, she would then go silent for a few days. I asked her not to do this. If she did, I would delete them unread until she stopped sending them for a while. To be fair, she hasn't done it this time and she did try to cut down the verbal criticism.