Wife Has Many Signs Of Ptsd, Though Undiagnosed. (i Am Diagnosed)

[abbynormal1929]

So, I am well aware of my wife's trauma history (though I keep on finding out new aspects of it each day). She doesn't trust clinicians, so she has never been diagnosed. I am as supportive as I can be, trying to cope wit my own symptoms. Without going into too much detail, some things that she does could easily be identified as emotionally abusive towards me. I try not to let her negitive emotional states effect me too much, but she's very perceptive as to when I'm to disengage with her, and calls me on it. It's not easy for me to disengage like that with anyone, much less my own wife. I also have trouble sometimes differentiating what could be considered as emotionally abusive, and what is actually making me feel abused. She won't see therapists (or doctors for that matter) and the slightest suggestion that she should change in any way makes her extremely defensive. Not even sure where I'm going with this, but that's what's going on with me.

 

[Deleted member 38644]

So, I am well aware of my wife's trauma history (though I keep on finding out new aspects of it...

Actually I'm just like her but have gotten worse. I don't trust doctors, physicians or anything. I set them up before I trust them. Please tell your wife to get evaluated it's important. me not knowing sooner makes me feel bad. PTSD took over my life and I'm only 23 and facing the fact I can't live my life without the meds. Please keep to help her and don't give up

 

[Justmehere]

Instead of focusing on trying to change her, work on setting boundaries with the behavior that you find to be unacceptable and/or abusive to you. Boundaries are not about changing the other person but being clear about ourselves and managing what we do and do not let into our lives.

When you disengage, make it clear that you are managing what you need to do for you.

Seek help from a therapist to do this, because at first, she will rail against it. She won't like it and will try to get you to engage even if it's just to argue or critique you for disengaging. But hopefully over time she will learn what she has to do in order to have shrines engagement and either way, you will be managing what you let in and not.

 

[Deleted member 38644]

Exactly

Instead of focusing on trying to change her, work on setting boundaries with the behavior that you f...

 

[heyheyhey]

Hello, I'm sorry about the painful experience with your wife. May I recommend looking into the book Why Does He Do That? It is about abusive men, but it's good reading for understanding the abusive mindset. Look at for you first :), one of the traps of an abusive relationship is that it is all consuming, in every way and you don't have much of your life reserved for you.

 

[abbynormal1929]

Thank you for the replies. I might just take a look at that book.

 

[Abstract]

Have you ever discussed her behaviour with her and its possible source?

 

[abbynormal1929]

She sees any discussion of her as harsh criticizem, and she gets defensive, no matter how delicately I try to approach the subject. I then end up apologizing... a lot. When she's in a bad mood she tell's me I hate her, and want to leave her. When she's in a good mood she sometimes throws: small stuffed animal like things at me, and calls me bitch in a laughing sort of way, then says shes kidding and I'm being too sensitive. There's not really one way I can be that won't elecit a response that makes me feel guitly, and want to apologize. Though it is much worse over vacations because she works at a school and is off the whole time, and her daughter, that has autism, and doesn't vacation well, is behaving much worse.

 

[Justmehere]

This might be a helpful book to learn how to deal with her push/pull behaviors: Dead Link Removed

She may or may not be borderline, but she is doing something that sometimes people with BPD do, and people around them tend to tread extra carefully.

 

[J'qel]

Take care of yourself. Do set your boundaries and yes, it does sound like she needs a diagnosis. Offer to go to couples therapy maybe? Help her get used to talking to someone-I have a narcissistic mother and we were able to get her in the door with family counselling-she didn't stay, but it gave us a chance with her in the door.

I'm *not* saying your wife is, but giving her a chance to have the floor to air her grievances might make her more willing to attend therapy. Or even just reminding her that you won't hear anything from any therapist she chooses to see and if she doesn't like the one she has initially she can always change. It's a place where she can say whatever comes to mind and it will never get back to you. That may help, as it sounds like she's insecure about judgement calls.

If she won't get any help, you need to start discussing things with your own therapist. You need to find out what you need to handle the situation for your own health and then plan from there.

Don't be afraid to walk away if you need down time. Take care of yourself, you're the only you you've got.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I've broached the subject of couples therapy before, before we got married. She just got defensive, and said: "Why do you think we need it!" in a very abrupt sort of way, and I backed off. I'm so glad winter break is over and she's back at work. (Works at a school). Last night she was telling me I have to be closer to her mother, and today she's going on about how intolerable her mom was growing up. She encourages me to take evening jobs so I'm availble to put her daughter on the school bus, and pick her up, and then when I have sush a job tells me: "I feel like I havn't seen you in a year, we're not connecting..." ect. I have a degree in mental health counseling (though my symptoms prevent me from working in the field) I know much of what she does falls under the heading of borderline personality traits. I just don't know how I got myself into such a situation after all the crap I went through before... I don't know

 

[J'qel]

It may be time to bring it up again. You could try mentioning that you want to be able to reconnect with her better, or you want to try and do better. It may help some. Even getting her reaction to such a suggestion may help.

I have dealt with BPD folks before-it was packaged with bi polar and narcissism and it was very not good, so I do get the BPD issues. Lived with them for a couple years.

For your wife, it could be a number of issues going on with her, it doesn't have to be BPD, and even if it is, she may be willing to get treatment if you can get her to go those first few steps.

You do need to think about your relationship honestly though: are you willing to try and get her into couples counselling? Are you willing to try and get her to see someone-if only to talk out her frustrations (it'll help)?

You need to decide what your willing to do for the relationship and where your line is.

It does sound like she's got a lot of stress as well, so she may be having problems offloading it in a constructive fashion. Ranting with a therapist nearby to help make suggestions on how to manage the stress may be just what she needs.

So far, it sounds like her biggest barricade is fear of being judged (not surprising in a teacher). If she can have it presented as something not to fear, something where she can just blow off steam if she needs to, it's a step in the right direction.

Remember though-she is an adult, and so you aren't ultimately responsible for her. You do need to take care of yourself as well and not put your own mental health at risk. You can't help anyone if you're not in the shape to handle it.