Sexual Assault I Was Abused And Molested Several Times.

[joeylittle]

arguably molested (though I can't be sure)

Physical assault isn't the same as sexual molestation, even when it's assault on genitalia.

I think that you were physically assaulted, and it had a sexual connotation - so I understand why you'd feel confused about whether or not to call it molestation. For what it's worth - from the way you describe it, I would not necessarily call it sexual assault or molestation - I'd call it physical assault.

You are going through your sexual maturation process - and are aware that you are bisexual. So it's not unusual for you to have conflicting, even arousing, feelings about some of these memories. If it's helpful for someone to say that, I definitely can. I had strange sexual fantasies - things I'd call strange - even before I was sexually assaulted when I was 13. Hormones send growing brains and bodies to all sorts of places, that's part of what happens.

 

[anonymousperson]

Physical assault isn't the same as sexual molestation, even when it's assault on genitalia.

I think...

Then physical assault 2 times with sexual connotation and 2 without is the best description. It might be messing with my mind, but I tell you, it will never take control of me! Absolutely no!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Then there's also the erection thing, I've recently found out I am bisexual, and I do get turned on by the memories of the events with boys. My underwear got wet now.

I've been there. I get it. Completely natural and normal.

Can you talk to a counselor about this like a school counselor or someone like that? Maybe not even be specific or detailed but just to work on things and help get your emotions out? Here is totally ok but I am just thinking that it would benefit you too to have someone in real life like that to help you work out feelings and stuff.

 

[anonymousperson]

Then physical assault 2 times with sexual connotation and 2 without is the best description. It...

Actually, there was a fifth time, I thought it wasn't worth sharing but I will share it now.
I was 11, and it was just like those 2 times with peers. But worse.
I was at someone's house for a school project. There were about 5 boys in the bedroom. I bent over to pick up something on the floor, and as you might've guessed, a boy who bullied me suddenly and deliberately thrust his pelvis and rubbed it against my ass. He did it for few seconds, and I guess he felt some sort of pleasure, because I could pretty much sense his groin invading my personal space. I think he pretended to sodomize me. He did it rather fast and ''rough'', so much so that I fell, it didn't hurt, but I was caught off my guard and felt very humiliated. The way he moved his legs and pelvis actually resembled anal sex. Except with clothes and no penetration. He had no qualms rubbing that part of his body against mine. He enjoyed being at the top, I believe it was: him being dominant and me being weak, in his head. I thought "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING" and at the same time , was clueless and didn't know what was going on, then I got up and pretended nothing happened, so did he.
It was the closest thing to molestation that ever happened to me.

 

[anonymousperson]

I've been there. I get it. Completely natural and normal.

Can you talk to a counselor abou...

You're right, one day I will seek, but not now. Too afraid to tell my mother to take me to a shrink.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Too afraid to tell my mother to take me to a shrink.

Actually that would be a good thing but I remember the days I called them shrinks and didn't want to have anything to do with therapists. I was forced into therapy so that went on into my late 20s.

 

[anonymousperson]

Actually that would be a good thing but I remember the days I called them shrinks and didn't...

She did take me to a shrink once, but I didn't tell her anything. I'll eventually take myself to a psychologist to see if there's anything too bad..

 

[anonymousperson]

Actually, there was a fifth time, I thought it wasn't worth sharing but I will share it now.
I...

Can that event be molestation? It lasted few seconds.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can that event be molestation?

It could or like JL said, could be classified as assult. Either way its trauma and it's best, in my opinion, to work through it as early as you can. However working through it looks like to you.

 

[anonymousperson]

It could or like JL said, could be classified as assult. Either way its trauma and it's best...

I think it was both, I'm a little disgusted by remembering this, he did know what he was doing, a 12 year old doing something that resembled anal sex, but my underwear says otherwise, it is wet. Writing this makes me feel bad and confused.
But how can something that lasted seconds have such influence?

 

[Mim28]

I'd like to add a little different perspective. I also experienced this as a child. I never told anyone, and throughout my life, told myself that it wasn't my fault, the person touched my body, not my soul, etc. I've lived a successful life, but sometimes, the effects do get buried and if other traumas are experienced, it may lead to something that equates to a "leaky faucet".
We all react to violations differently, but you still should tell someone. The fact that you didn't fight back, and stood there stoically, as you say, would ask me to question why? I only ask that question because you said you are over it.
Many victims of trauma don't fight back, but they admit they have been traumatized.

 

[anonymousperson]

The fact that you didn't fight back, and stood there stoically, as you say, would ask me to question why? I only ask that question because you said you are over it.

I was scared and uncomfortable and didn't know how to react to someone rubbing my vulnerable butt. I did not know what sexual assault was, I didn't know what he was doing. I'm talking about the time in which I was indeed molested. The boy rubbed his pelvis against my butt, he did that only for a few seconds. But he enjoyed every second of it, because he seemed to be in a hurry. I think he was pretending to sodomize me, the way he thrust, resembled anal sex. We had clothes on, but it appeared he was trying to ''simulate'' a penetration, however I think his penis wasn't erect. He was 11-12 anyway. That time was the worst of them all, and I brought the memory back after starting this thread. I'd say I got over it, but it is messing with my mind. If you've the whole thread, you know I get erections when I think about it. Though at the same time, I am disgusted. He really caught me off my guard. I guess he'd have kept doing it had I not fell over and escaped his crotch.