Sexual Assault I Was Abused And Molested Several Times.

[anonymousperson]

@anonymousperson can I ask what brought you to join a trauma forum?

I'm just wonder...

I'm a human being with emotions. I just had to share this with someone, since I don't with anyone face-to-face. Emotions are like garbage, you have to get rid of them or bury them. In this particular case, I just felt like sharing those stories, I'm very curious to know how and why I 'survived'.

Chosen what? The touching from your mom and the other stuff or chosen to not do

That's right, If I could have chosen this same exact life, I would've chosen it, even with the ''trade-offs''. There are ups and downs, in my case, the ups outnumber the downs. If I got to choose a life where I felt loved, but in which I was weak. I'd pick the life I already have.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm going to go against the grain here - not everyone who experiences molestation experiences it as a trauma. It doesn't mean it wasn't abusive but sometimes it doesn't "feel" traumatic.

At 14/15 I would have said the same things that you're saying here. That my abuse simply made me stronger, that I provoked my abusers into doing it and I wasn't affected. It wasn't until I was much much older that it all came back to bite me - it took a long time for me to understand the impact the abuse had on me and when I did, I felt every bit of the trauma that had been inflicted.

You're still living at home, you still need the defences you rely on to keep you safe and help you cope in an uncertain environment - defences that are wholly unconscious and that have served you well your whole short life.

It may be worth thinking about what it is you wanted to share, the kind of emotional support that might be helpful because like @digger I'm a bit confused about what brings you to a trauma site when you're arguing you haven't been traumatised.

 

[anonymousperson]

Bad, wrong, horrible, and abuse. No matter which way you turn it..

Well. You don't about my life, I'm not being rude and I know you are trying to help, but the few lines you read make it look like a living hell. And it's partially my fault, I have to admit, the title is ''I was abused and molested several times''. No one would think that is a happy life. I do not see things from only one perspective, the emotional abuse was indeed abuse (though I did behave badly sometimes), but looking the ''molestations'' from another perspective, they weren't as bad as you think they were (still bad) after reading those lines. All of them combined lasted only for some seconds. I think molestation has to be greater than that.

 

[anonymousperson]

I'm a bit confused about what brings you to a trauma site when you're arguing you haven't been traumatised.

As I said before, feelings are like garbage, you have to get rid of them or bury them. I've buried them my entire life, but there comes a time when you have to get rid of them. This what I'm doing. But just because I'm doing it, doesn't mean I am that desperate. You may think I am unhappy, but the proof is in pudding.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You may think I am unhappy,

I never said you were unhappy.

At 14/15 I would have said the same things that you're saying here. That my abuse simply made me stronger, that I provoked my abusers into doing it and I wasn't affected. It wasn't until I was much much older that it all came back to bite me - it took a long time for me to understand the impact the abuse had on me and when I did, I felt every bit of the trauma that had been inflicted.

This a thousand times. At 14 the trauma was still going but I have notes I was writing my mentor and I read them today and they sound much like yourself added with pain and suicide thoughts along with some hints.

You may feel this way now, and that's totally fine, but as you get older you may feel differently.

I am also confused. Per you, you weren't traumatized by it and you are fine now and are happy, but this is a site specifically for PTSD. There are many sites in which you can express emotions, what brings you here specifically? I am not saying it's bad or wrong that you are here. I am just wondering.

 

[Suzetig]

But just because I'm doing it, doesn't mean I am that desperate. You may think I am unhappy, but the proof is in pudding.

I never said you were desperate, actually I'm fairly accepting of your sense of not feeling traumatised by your experiences but I'm wondering what the emotions are that you need to dump just now?

My concern is that you get so caught up in defending your experience of what happened to you that you don't give yourself room to express the stuff you feel you need to dump.

 

[anonymousperson]

I never said you were unhappy.
.

I said you may think I'm unhappy, almost all reasonable people would. I mean, the title says ''I was abused and molested several times.'' I exaggerated and I admit that.

what brings you here specifically?.

but I'm wondering what the emotions are that you need to dump just now?

The emotions that brought me here regard the fact that I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother, bullied at school, and arguably molested (though I can't be sure) but never talked to anyone about those things. I'm talking about them right now, and no one can judge me here. I just want to let it out.
And there is one more that actually troubles me, though it's not too great .
While I was writing about the 'molestations' and remembering the scenes, I got sexually turned on and had an erection. I feel a little betrayed by my body for responding like that to something dirty.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't see anyone trying to judge you - I know I'm trying to understand what you're looking for. You posted about having been abused and when folk try to offer you support you retract saying you exaggerated and it wasn't that bad. You say you want to express feelings but when folk try to offer empathy and understanding you say you're ok, you weren't traumatised and have healed and when people try to explore further you get defensive.

You say emotions brought you here but you don't seem to want to share how you do feel instead you keep telling people what you don't feel. If I'm honest, my sense is that you're looking to provoke a reaction in people, what reaction and why I don't know.

Maybe have a read at the thread so far and decide what you would like from people here. I for one have no interest in being getting caught up in a circular conversation.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I got sexually turned on and had an erection.

This is VERY normal. Your body will respond. Mine does the same when I think of sex during actual torture. I masturbate a lot thinking of my trauma. It needs to be worked out with a therapist.

 

[anonymousperson]

You don't understand. I said no one can judge me and that's why I'm here. The environment is good, people have been nice to me, thanks for that guys. But in reality people wouldn't be, I'm afraid of being judged, I just can't picture myself talking to someone else face-to-face about those things, I don't trust people. You know, some would even side with the perpetrators and say I am wrong. I don't actually know if those 'molestations' are concerning and if I should seek a shrink. I'm confused. I can't say I was traumatized, but I've recently given power to those events. But, on the other hand, it just lasted literary 5-15 seconds, so it can't be bad, can it?
No, it wasn't as bad as the tittle suggests, but I am a little troubled. Then there's also the erection thing, I've recently found out I am bisexual, and I do get turned on by the memories of the events with boys. My underwear got wet now.
Sorry if I've irritated anyone.

 

[Suzetig]

That all makes sense to me - I misread your thing about not being judged, I'm sorry.

You sound really confused, which is understandable really. Whether you call it abuse or not, whether you feel traumatised or not the stuff you've dealt with would leave most people questioning how they feel, how to make sense of physical reactions etc. Have a bit of a read through the boards - you may find people with stories just like yours.

 

[anonymousperson]

I'll stop trying to label the unwanted touches as 'X' or 'Y'. I may never understand why a few seconds of that has had considerable power on me. But Suzetig's last post does make sense. All abuses have led me to question the meaning of the word 'love' and my sexuality years after they happened. I might seek mental health when I am 18.