Sexual Assault I Was Abused And Molested Several Times.

[anonymousperson]

I've got other weird sexual feelings. Sometimes I have rape fantasies, where I am the victim. Sometimes I think I'd like someone to do that. When I read some disgusting stories about rape, I get turned on. Writing this is a shame to me.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I am 14 years old, and I've arguably experienced almost all types of abuse as a child. A little...

Firstly I do not see you as weak; and being touched inappropriately by anyone is life-traumatizing and for me only - that is why you are bravely and unabashed manner coming forward to speak about these mentally, emotionally, sexually abusive real life events and memories @anonymousperson. Had been (until crisis hospital and being educated to some degree while inpatient) caringly explained to me by a selfless staffer who said that I can try and celebrate the good about family, and also grieve about the losses re: protection, boundaries pertaining to sexual abuse, emotional trauma, etc. by family members @anonymousperson. My Dad had passed away in 2008 and I had to go to crisis hospital because I could not grieve nor celebrate, I just was frozen about my feelings about horrific past abuse family memories and stranger danger extreme traumatic abuse memories, too.

At age 14 @anonymousperson coming forward on this forum and thread and talking about your Mom, Sister, and Uncle and the abuse you suffered is healing when I allow myself to instead of minimizing the psychological damage done to my core being (inner self (child) coming forward slowly but steadily and sharing with us (me) here on this incredible forum your disappointment, shock, trauma, and pain. For so long, I unsuccessfully (brain and mind did this) tried to keep what lies beneath hidden from not only others, but from my own thoughts, mind. And then the damn broke after a massive trigger from a sexually deviant now retired gastroenterologist.

The nightmares fast and furious and crippling I hit rock bottom over a period as the haunting memories (most only through nightmares) began to surface, as I unsuccessfully attempted to keep them buried and beneath surface of psyche. I was emotionally empty, no truth about the extreme violence and abuse @anonymousperson and my family minimized and/or denied all of it. I felt invisible, and like I needed to leave here permanently. For me, that is what nearly took me out of here, cutting, promiscuity, drinking, drugging, excessive food - binging, cigarettes, weed, uppers and downers. These were my "friends" who kept my nightmares at bay until '96, when they all slowly but steadily began to surface. Your mother touching your penis is sexual abuse unless you are a baby being bathed and cared for, etc. And "screw you" is not love, and there is no free pass for your Mom and please understand the gravity of her saying this to you. Core being destroyer unless I come to terms with the sexual trauma of my past, beatings, inappropriate touching a.k.a. sexual molestation and I now understand that my Mom was sexually assaulted by her Uncle Buck - and nobody believed her. Extreme damage to core being (self) can occur once family denies sexual abuse to the abused. That was my case, as well.

Please continue to try and only try to be honest with yourself about the reality and pain of your past; and try to share with others about your personal boundaries being so cruelly violated @anonymousperson. For me emotions - my true emotions and feelings that I am trying now to learn through EMDR Therapy to acknowledge are there and to express them (truth changes daily) are not garbage, my friend. They are vital to my spirit and soul's existence. I stuffed them down and cut myself; attempted suicide multiple times; and tried to numb myself from the horrific atrocities perpetrated by my family - for God's sakes! I care about you, and I believe you, and I will not ever minimize what loving caregivers were supposed to supply you (me) with - love, understanding, education about the world; personal boundaries, relationships, etc. (too many to list here).

So grateful you shared your truth (ever-changing) as more will be revealed (mentally, emotionally) as you stay on your path of uncovering the truth and work toward self-love, self-acceptance, and admission that family hurt you deeply and start to try and grow and through therapy, trusted friend(s); and this wonderful forum, learn how to love even those who betrayed you, if possible. Sometimes not. I care about you and that you at age 14 are starting to unmask and come out of denial that your were molested, and verbally/mentally abused by family members. Such an accomplishment at so young an age. Hugs. JadesJewel

 

[anonymousperson]

and I will not ever minimize what loving caregivers were supposed to supply you (me) with - love, understanding, education about the world; personal boundaries, relationships, etc.

They never taught me anything (good), but you know what I am doing? I am teaching and educating myself. I've come to realize that I don't need their love. Nor do I want it. Even if this does scar me emotionally, I will remain strong, I always have. I've survived on my own.
They've been telling me that I'm acting weird for not talking to them. They don't understand I don't want to talk to them. Do you think I should tell them I don't love them? Let everything out? They might get hurt or deny it.
I don't know if I can tell my mom that the time she touched my penis to humiliate me made me feel bad (by the way I had my clothes on, there was no skin contact), do you think I should? There is a very high possibility she will either say it never happened or deny it was a bad thing.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

They never taught me anything (good), but you know what I am doing? I am teaching and ed...

anonymousperson I relate to a lot of what you just posted about not being taught anything moral; of no value either. I thought sex was love, and love was sex. I also thought that I didn't deserve anything because of how they viciously abused me. I was given money, (although we were not wealthy) however, and yet my Dad never told me he loved me up until last few years while he was dying of cancer. My Mother. I don't want to even go there at this time.

I do want to share one of my biggest regrets regarding prior to the passing of my Dad. Several years prior to his death a L.C.S.W. who was very mentally unhealthy about his own relationship with his then deceased father, assisted me (at my request so I have taken responsibility) and he typed a letter to my Dad into his office computer while I sit next to him (L.C.S.W.). In letter, I told him, my sister, my Dad''s wife how I felt, anger, disappointment in them. And I also said that when he (Dad) passed away, I was not coming to his funeral. One of the BIGGEST mistakes I have and ever will make in my life anonymousperson. Interesting, I just this moment realized that my Mother was not addressed for her despicable traumas she inflicted upon me and my sister, directly and indirectly (child molester) (baby sitter- MONSTER). I never addressed the heinous mind-bending traumas my Mother could have prevented and that she exposed me and my sister too. Hmmm.

After Dad passed and even with the horrific atrocities that he either directly caused to my body and psyche and also due to his decisions - the indirect horrific trauma that me and my sister had to endure, I still, following his death grieved his passing. In my Dad's case and I am only speaking of my own personal experiences, he not only traumatized and nearly destroyed my core (self), Dad was also at times funny, fun-loving, and very giving and hard-working and at times loving (though, again, he never told me he loved me until close to his death) with hugs, and extremely generous person with his time, grilling out food, fine cook, and to my knowledge he had no enemies when he died. He use to do work favors for friends, and give monies to friends, etc. Dad was two people - not just one. Because of my sending that letter expressing my anger/rage, my family (sister and Dad's monster for a wife) had the funeral home call me - the day AFTER Dad died and things were said that hurt me - and I went to crisis hospital. I regret not going to the funeral. I regret sending the letter, for it stopped any possibility of any further communication between me and my then dying of cancer Dad. So think long and hard about approaching and sharing with your Mom that you don't love her (time changes things - my personal experience only); and I do believe (not totally sure) that your Mom knows the damage done of her touching your penis, etc. I believe this and denial may be her weapon of choice so she (like my family) does not have to deal with their mind-blowing severe traumatic damage they have done to me (and to my sister, as well). So think of what you may or may not accomplish by sharing your pain and anger and disappointment with your Mom anonymousperson.

My family never admitted nor talked at all about the hell life my sister and I were put through by my Dad, and also my Mother. It never happened for them and when they would never talk about the extreme trauma - then denial kept everything hidden, secretive, and family THOUGHT they would never have to deal with their despicable actions. Karma. All must pay. Old quote: Pay now, or pay later. And a part of me loathes my Dad and Mother; and another part of me loves my Dad and my Mother, same with my sister. (I have a half-sister as well who drinks and my half-brother died - sat down in his garage lawn chair with a bag of weed next to chair and died). per coroner's report. I was never close to any of my siblings due to the extreme violence, destructive alcoholism, and my family's inability to grasp the gravity and depravity they too experienced in their younger years (e.x. Mother was raped by her Uncle Buck). Family denied it and she started to crack emotionally; then child molester whom she married molested me and my sister, and murdered my 4 mo. old baby brother) and Mother spent some time in a mental institution. My parents were subjected to extreme violence and trauma in their formative years (no excuses) however, I forgive them and I still have immeasurable rage at both of them for their horrific illegal and cruel vicious direct and indirect sexual and violent crimes against me and my sister.

I wish I had never sent that letter expressing my anger at my Dad; for it continued more hurting and more destruction between me and my Dad (and my sister, as well). Everyone is different on confronting our abusers, violators, offenders. We are all different in our approaches on handling the devastating scars from their loathsome and psyche-breaking traumatic behaviors and actions they perpetrated against us. I care so much about you anonymousperson. I care and so do so many members (people) on this incredible forum. Please continue to share, ask questions, connect, be real, take your masks off, and get your questions answered and only try one second, one minute, one day at a time to try and begin to heal from the damage that you are not in denial over, and that you are facing full frontal head on. We are all here for you anonymousperson. We are all here for you. JadesJewel

 

[anonymousperson]

I'll just keep my month shut then, I don't want to hurt them. It'd just escalate the problem. Besides, I can't really complain. I have food, water, internet and a hoof under my head. I just need to wait a couple years.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I'll just keep my month shut then, I don't want to hurt them. It'd just escalate the problem. B...

Please if you believe that talking openly with those who have harmed you will help please do so. I only shared my experience. Your experience could be totally the opposite anonymousperson. I only shared my experience. If you believe that you need to talk with them, then do so, please. I actually all of us here are individuals with our own unique experiences and we share and then you and anyone asking for feedback (only) and others' life experiences - you ultimately choose to make your own decisions. Understand this. I care about you, but I cannot tell you or anyone else whether or not to approach the offender(s) about past hurtful traumatic experiences anonymous. I must make my own choice(s) after listening to feedback from caring people who are sharing their experiences with approaching offender(s).

I do not make decisions and choices based solely on the experiences shared and the advise of others who are caring enough to share their past histories and decisions they have made. I try to make my own decisions anonymousperson, and then I must take responsibility and the consequences good bad right wrong healthy unhealthy of the decisions I have chosen all on my own to make.

Other members perhaps will post to your thread here, and they may share what they did re: confronting abuser(s); I care, yet I cannot ever tell anyone including what is best for you to do. With great concern and care. JadesJewel

 

[talon]

I am 14 years old, and I've arguably experienced almost all types of abuse as a child. A little...

I don't think you are weak being abused is not a weakness but you may perceive it to be. We experience bad things as we all do in varying degrees my bad experience started at 6yrs 11 months old and next between 9-11 yrs. I used to believe because i had a full head of blond hair that it was my fault if people were attracted to me . I have taught my self that no one controls me anymore and that who I am and what I am will not change the person that is me. If you become cold through fear or lack of trust the control continues. Often abuse can be learned behaviour. YOU NEED TO SAY I am who I am but all that is good in me I will let it shine . Sharing with others shows you care and it helps many to know they are not alone

 

[Abstract]

There are two big things I see here for you. One is ideas about vulnerability and responsibility. The other is battles you are having with sexuality. It may be that the sexuality issues are bringing up the other two more strongly and the feelings about your past experiences.

Don't let past experiences shut you out from life and from the ability to vulnerable in a relationship with a trusted other. That would be sad. And good luck working through your feelings about your sexuality. It might be worth having some counselling to get support with this.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

I'll just keep my month shut then, I don't want to hurt them. It'd just escalate the problem. B...

I relate to this very much, and to all the things people have said in this sensitive, and well-answered thread.

When I was 14 I certainly wasn't in a position to say anything or even recognize what my mother was doing was forms of covert/overt incest. It wasn't until I was maybe in my 20's that I discovered what covert incest was and started to have a name for it. And last year was first year, at the age of 35 that I could publicly even say that my mother sexually abused me in addition to the mental and physical and emotional abuse. My PTSD actually reached a crescendo b/c I finally became public about it and joined some recovery groups, so it actually got worse and I'm still recovering from it (seeking out EMDR).

I'm also part of a culture where incestuous behavior is written off so even though I talked about my mom's behavior before people write it off or excuse it. I'm not saying this will happen with your family either - perhaps confrontation will work for you. I've personally had many screaming, crying confrontations with my mother - even pulled her into therapy while I was in grad school to be an MFT and she ended up shrieking at the therapist, which helped me see my mother was just psychotic and it wasn't just me.

So it's awesome that you've come to this forum now - it took so long for me to find resources and others to talk to.

As for seeking out your own counseling - you mentioned waiting to 18. I don't know the laws of your particular state, but in the major states you're allowed to seek a counselor in instances of abuse without them telling your guardian. Again, this may vary by state (I did my training in California) so I'm not sure if this applies to you, but just know there may be resources where you can seek out confidential/private people to talk to.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Forgot to also mention that I 1/4 was when I came out as bisexual too. I became the leader of the lesbian group at college and lived queer-identified for many decades. Though I am straight now, I know how much sexual identity plays a huge role in your life! It's a great era we live in that we can explore all of this, although it brings up so many concerns and open-ended inquiries.

 

[anonymousperson]

I thought this thread was dead and gone, but I just saw those new messages. These are my main (emotional) issues:
My sexuality: You already know I'm bi (though very afraid to come out for the time being), but I'm arguably a masochist as well. Let's say just I might, enjoy emotional pain. Sometimes I fantasize about being molested as a young child. That's nothing to worry about, though.
My mother: I might have exaggerated about her, well, I did exaggerate on this thread about some things. Anyway, she is not a bad person, but she did make a great many mistakes, she's recently said that she's sorry for some things she did, she's had a tough life, but, I make mistakes as well, and my mistake may be not loving or forgive her, I don't even know how to do that. There is the emotional part of me that doesn't feel like doing that. Also because I do not trust her and don't want to share my emotional issues with her, she hasn't really cared about them anyway. I don't know what I'll do. But, I don't worry much about it.
There is something that can trouble me, I'm afraid ''ghosts'' may hunt me in the future, I am currently doing very well, believe it or not, I am a very happy person, I do not let those events take control of me, no, absolutely no! I have books to read, words to review, stuff to study and I won't a couple bad things that happened years ago ruin me. But, what if those things hunt me in the future? After years, well, I just hope they don't. My emotions are actually just a small fraction of the things I deal with. But, I am human and I need to vent sometimes, and, by the way, I talk to someone on the Internet, he has been of great emotional support.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I relate to this very much, and to all the things people have said in this sensitive, and well-ans...

@SophiaWisdom brought my dad years ago to one on one therapy; he came drunk as a dog; OM gosh. My T then was in a state of shock! I was repulsed, and had just slit my wrists wide open while on phone with my dad prior to this session (had slit right wrist while on phone w/then boyfriend). dad also came to the U. of K. hospital drunk and stumbling and they let him in the hospital! I tried to destroy my hospital room. After seeing my dad totally wasted on alcohol, I took my arms and just started destroying my room, lamps, bed covers, desk stuff, furniture shoving it, and wrists were sewn and wrapped, and then I sat down on bed and just bawled.

My dad (after he found out from me about the dr. raping me) - said "I've done terrible things, I've done terrible things!" And then he snapped back into present time. I have often believed that because of my fear and intense love (back then) for him, that I would dissociate with him - and that he sexually hurt me. Just what my mind/body tells me. So much time missing from when I spent so much time alone with dad. All family is in denial, and most have passed now (except bio-sis, and half-sis). My mother was raped by her uncle and none of her siblings believed her. mom was married to a sexual predator (molester) who got me and my bio-sis). Sad set of affairs on both sides of family. (hugs).