When she can, she rages in my head. She hates him and wants to hurt him. Lash out for all the pain that was caused by her abandonment. He represents everyone who failed her, did not see her value, everyone who abandoned her. Her feelings are so strong when she lets me know but I'm holding them at bay. I'm exhausted by my own emotions and hers. It's hard to feel both at the same time.
Another is very quite and staying far in the background. Hurt and alone, wanting to hide. She doesn't want to be seen or heard. I know she's there silent in her pain.
I understand him. I'm disappointed but know he isn't truly callous or cold. He is realistic about this and so am I. We both know we can only do so much. Yes, he could show more emotion and concern but it's not like him to go to any emotional extremes. He is even keel, he is my rock, my husband. And this isn't the only thing going on in our lives, there are other stressors we're contending with. I let him know how the angry one feels, I have to give her a voice. I don't know if she will use it herself. Better me than her. I love him and he hasn't done anything to her, to me. I hurt for my niece and feel like I have failed and betrayed her.
This confusion was caused by the many parallels between my life and my nieces life.
Our history is very very similar with neglect, abuse, abandonment and foster care. She ran away last week and had been staying (unbeknownst to anyone) with a 24 year old "ex" pimp drug dealer gang member - mind you she's 16 - and they have a more than platonic relationship. She called me in tears yesterday. "Can I come live with you?" she asked. I know she can't; she knows she can't. She tells me she doesn't feel safe as I hear yelling and crashing in the background along with cursing and someone telling her that she had better not be calling the cops. He has not hurt her and she doesn't think he will. She asked me not to call the police and for some reason I didn't but I want to. She asks me to come get her and I do, with my heart racing. I get there and her face is tear stained with mascara. She doesn't want to leave anymore but I talk her into it. He won't let her take her belongings so we leave them there.
My sister meets us at my home so we can figure out what to do. My niece is unstable and not on her medications. Neither of us can take her in because we have small children at home and she can be explosive and violent. Not to mention my husband has made it clear she cannot stay with us anyway. He thinks that she's a lost cause, beyond help. Her mother says she will just call the police if we take her home. I can't do that anyway because she asked me not to and I can't physically force her to go anyway. She decides she wants to go back to the 24 year old (he loves her and will give her a baby) Finally we all decide to have the police pick her up. If we take her anywhere she will make her way back to him. I feel like I've betrayed her. But I want her to be safe and I can think of nothing else.
Later I tell my husband... "No one will take her" (re family). "I know" he says, without emotion.
Another is very quite and staying far in the background. Hurt and alone, wanting to hide. She doesn't want to be seen or heard. I know she's there silent in her pain.
I understand him. I'm disappointed but know he isn't truly callous or cold. He is realistic about this and so am I. We both know we can only do so much. Yes, he could show more emotion and concern but it's not like him to go to any emotional extremes. He is even keel, he is my rock, my husband. And this isn't the only thing going on in our lives, there are other stressors we're contending with. I let him know how the angry one feels, I have to give her a voice. I don't know if she will use it herself. Better me than her. I love him and he hasn't done anything to her, to me. I hurt for my niece and feel like I have failed and betrayed her.
This confusion was caused by the many parallels between my life and my nieces life.
Our history is very very similar with neglect, abuse, abandonment and foster care. She ran away last week and had been staying (unbeknownst to anyone) with a 24 year old "ex" pimp drug dealer gang member - mind you she's 16 - and they have a more than platonic relationship. She called me in tears yesterday. "Can I come live with you?" she asked. I know she can't; she knows she can't. She tells me she doesn't feel safe as I hear yelling and crashing in the background along with cursing and someone telling her that she had better not be calling the cops. He has not hurt her and she doesn't think he will. She asked me not to call the police and for some reason I didn't but I want to. She asks me to come get her and I do, with my heart racing. I get there and her face is tear stained with mascara. She doesn't want to leave anymore but I talk her into it. He won't let her take her belongings so we leave them there.
My sister meets us at my home so we can figure out what to do. My niece is unstable and not on her medications. Neither of us can take her in because we have small children at home and she can be explosive and violent. Not to mention my husband has made it clear she cannot stay with us anyway. He thinks that she's a lost cause, beyond help. Her mother says she will just call the police if we take her home. I can't do that anyway because she asked me not to and I can't physically force her to go anyway. She decides she wants to go back to the 24 year old (he loves her and will give her a baby) Finally we all decide to have the police pick her up. If we take her anywhere she will make her way back to him. I feel like I've betrayed her. But I want her to be safe and I can think of nothing else.
Later I tell my husband... "No one will take her" (re family). "I know" he says, without emotion.
