Fighting Stoicism Towards Friends In Crisis?

[Kintsugi]

I have what I call an "emotional ceiling." I can only tolerate so much emotion in my environment--either within myself or from others--before I either begin to fully dissociate (in the extreme) or just feel completely detached and numb. Really, for myself, I don't mind the feelings of detachment. I think I'm sort of thankful for them. If I feel a great deal of concern for someone I care about, it sort of just turns that faucet of worry off. I feel light, free from any feelings at all. But in a practical sense, this ability (symptom?) is not conducive to maintaining strong ties or being reliably supportive toward those who count on me as a confidant.

My best friend can be a highly emotional person, though only in typically short spurts throughout the year, and it's not like she isn't justified in those emotions. Ever since we met, she has weathered what seems like life crisis upon crisis--insecure living arrangements, death, multitudinous demands on her time and energy, addiction and mental health problems with her husband. The list goes on. We were both sexually assaulted on the same night by the same person, and therefore we have gone through the court process together (one I would honestly not be going through if not for her, because I would never have filed a report myself, though I don't resent her desire for justice). So we both had to testify in court a couple of weeks ago, which was an emotional shit show.

In any case, over the past six weeks or so, I've been her main support through a litany of personal upheavals and emotional tempests. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for sticking around and not taking much time to just isolate, which is my usual go-to in times like these. Regardless of doing my very best to be physically present for her, emotionally, I'm beginning to seriously wane, which is no good, because I truly think she has started to become truly Depressed with a capital D, and I do think she is struggling with suicidal ideation this past week, likely because testifying in court has probably been a breaking point for her.

The thing is, I just don't know how to handle someone who reaches persistently out in times like these, and I can feel myself just detaching from it all. When I feel at my very worst, I may talk about it openly and honestly, but I'm not often hyper emotional about it, and I don't think that I look to others for solutions, perhaps because I feel strongly that such feelings are my own responsibility, and I know from past experience that no one can "fix" them for me. And, you know, that's fine, that I feel that way. I think it's okay if I feel she needs to search within herself for her own answers. But the feelings of stoicism, the tendency toward aloofness that I am experiencing--I don't think those are helping me to really be present for her, which is what I would like to be.

I just have no idea how to handle someone who can express so much honest and intense emotion, who reaches for help by being so open and vulnerable. I just want to hide from her, but I don't think that's the right thing to do, and this curtain of numbness I feel coming over me toward her is making me feel a bit disappointed in myself, like she deserves better from me, and there's just nothing inside me, nothing I possess, that I can offer.

I know there must be others here who have a similar "emotional ceiling," whose tolerance for the emotions of others (or themselves) has a limit before total detachment sets in. When those you love are at stake, how do you overcome that instinct? Or manage it so that it simply does not show through? I'd rather people I care about not know how truly cold I feel in times like these.

 

[Poofycat]

I do the same thing with emotions. When others express strong emotions I often either feel annoyed that they can't control themselves or jealous that they can do something that I can't. I have no idea how to overcome it unfortunately, but am interested to hear how others deal with it.

 

[Rani G2]

@Simply Simon

just don't know how to handle someone who reaches persistently out in times like these, and I can feel myself just detaching from it all.

Do you think those emotions that she reveals are affecting your own defensive system ? What I mean is that she shows sides of herself, that you are not willing (aspects of you that are there to protect)To look at. Maybe a mirroring of sides.

 

[Powder]

The best I would advise to do is to delegate to someone more prepared. Only her T. is going to be prepared to handle suicidal ideation. That seems like too much of a responsibility for a friend to feel the need to hear about. It could be damaging to you and your PTSD to take regular doses of another's mental health spillovers.

I'd take this into therapy and assess what you feel you can tolerate and if its a good match for what you SHOULD be willing to tolerate. :) Sometimes, well-meaning as I am, I feel I should take on more than I should or could. My T. would advise me not to take people on and to feel justified in keeping a loving distance.

Flip it around. I recently figured this one out:

Do I really expect others to want to be around me or get close to me with my PTSD and problems? For me the answer is No. If they don't want to take that on, I don't expect it. So why do I expect myself to take it all on with someone else?

It's a free choice, but I see it for me as choosing to carry around a Fiat. I may choose to do that, but in the end, I just can't. Having a relationship with someone who's needs exceed my capacity just won't work, even if I really, really want it to.

 

[Powder]

I don't see the edit option. I forgot to mention that I love how you explain the sense of that low emotional ceiling you bump into. I think you describe how I've experienced this to a "T." I envy your communication skills.

 

[Kintsugi]

@Shankara, that is exactly what I think! I just don't know how to cope with that reality. :bored:

@Muse You're right... although I think I know what my T would say, as we've talked about essentially this same situation before. She would say something like, "I'm worried about how this is affecting you... blah blah blah" and "I know you're her friend, but I'm not, so I get to just be on your side, and I think this is damaging... blah blah blah."

:bag:

 

[scout86]

I don't really have an answer for what to do. I'm busy processing the question. Great question! I'm pretty sure I do that and never noticed.

Something my T said, during a dramatic episode with my family. I said, "what do I do about THIS?" He said, "Oh, you do the same thing you've always done, be the pragmatist and piss them all off."

Just a thought, maybe she actually finds it helpful that you don't get real emotional. And maybe that makes it easier for her to talk to you. Maybe you're handling things just right, just by being who you are. I don't know what the odds are that's true, but it's possible, isn't it? Maybe?

 

[Kintsugi]

Scout, I think you're right to some degree, but my usual approach to said friend is to be as supportive as possible in the emotional moment, then wait for everything to settle down long enough for the emotions not to be easily reignited, and then play the pragmatist and say what I really think, what I really think sounding inevitably on the verge of clinical in its emotional sterility.

That being said, being supportive as possible in "the emotional moment" is becoming impossible, as this "moment" has lasted far, far longer than they ever have in the past. I worry that being my pragmatic, very forum-style Simon while emotions are high might be too cold a response. Forum Simon is a good forum member (usually ;)), but I'm not sure she'd make a great best friend.

 

[Rani G2]

@Simply Simon

i dont know if there is a right or wrong reaction there, while being supportive and giving emotional support. You say,

We were both sexually assaulted on the same night by the same person

Having gone through this, you have your own emotional distress to deal with, maybe you already have, but her heightend emotionality brings back memories. So, you know that, and I guess being genuine to my own self, understanding my own limits, rather than projecting is a better way. That means, I cant have a “better“ a morally good behagliche so that I am there for my friend, if my own emotions dont correspond with the way I am.


Always, being in dialog with myself, even if I am having contradictory feelings. If I suppress them, because I want t be a good friend, they will always make their way in a another form.


Dont know Simply Simon if this makes sense.

 

[Rani G2]

Sorry, spelling mistake. Behagliche means behaviour.

Cannot edit

 

[jaccat]

I've been thinking about it. It sounds like you're experiencing a kind of overwhelm, and getting burn-out as a result. I get that sort of thing, and I know what I need is a break, time away from the situation to recentre and recharge, but I'm guessing that's not so easy to get when your friend is in crisis.

 

[ladee]

I have learned that I can not give away what I don't have.
You also have been thru hell with having to testify.

You haven't said if you've had time to process your own feelings .

Of course we want to be helpful. But when I am numb to another's feelings it's because I have a lot of undealt with pain of my own.

I would bring it to my T for suggestions. I have none as I am where you are. I like numb sometimes...it
gives me a break.

And is this friend available for you also? If not.. Those relationships wear thin after awhile. Just something to think about.
Sorry you had to go thru the nightmare all over again...take care of YOU first.