Viewed Child Porn On Accident, Reported, Now I Am A Mess

[cat-lady]

I had a similar childhood. You are a hero to whoever was in that stuff you reported. I hope that whoever finds stuff like that of me as a kid reports it too. It would make such a big difference to me to get that stuff taken down, traced and the people behind it prosecuted.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It would for me too @cat-lady, though I think I would be freaked that I was correct about them being online and would get compulsive about finding them all and get them all off the net. As of today i have suspect that they are online but I don't know that for sure. The only thing know for sure is they exist on VHS.

But anyway, I hope she is advised or something. I hope something bad didn't happen to her as many girls in human trafficking are killed. So hope she is ok physically and ok mentally!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist didn't say much about this. He said that it serves as a deterant. Like "OMG, I saw this on there, I can't go back there just in case there is another one" but that is not how my brain works, at all. So I disagree with that assesment.

I didn't sleep well so I wasn't want to listen well and was sluring. I promise I am not high, I am very tired. I had about 3 total hours of sleep. And that is with Chopper laying across me which helps the panic and anxiety and makes me feel safe.

We were talking about DID (about the thread about the movie Spilt) and I waa telling him I feel like I have alters. A few child ones (very terrified children) and one that is sinister and sounds like a demon. I hear my thoughts in that voice may times. I also advise the soind like a crowded lunchroom is back.

He said that new studies on DID, there is like a spectrum of DID. It isn't DID as none of them takes control of my body so can't be DID but I have these things in my head.

 

[anonymous]

Hi. I think you are really brave for making this post. I also think you tried to do a good thing by reporting it.

I haven't read all the comments because I can't focus really well on it. I keep trying and then my brain wanders off onto other things. So if I say something stupid, I really, really apologize. The day before you made your original post I had something similar happen.It was on tumbler. I didn't know about the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, but I did report it to tumbler. I had to click on it to get the link for tumbler and I was all freaked out about it seeming like I'm supporting that and what if I got caught. So anyway, thank you so much for making your post because it made me feel less alone and horrible.

I am not even brave enough to post this under my user name. Instead I'm going anonymous, that's why I think you are being brave. You are being honest and taking in people's comments and trying to change. I hate that I get compelled to look at porn. It's this awful loop and you described it so well. I wasn't filmed but my dad gave me porn and taught me to be a slave.

I went looking for porn again last night because I got triggered. I spent way too much time there and saw awful stuff and I hate it so much. I keep saying I'll change but it never happens. I've told my T about it. Besides the word compelled, the other word I've used to describe it is "inevitable". I understand how hard it is to change, but I believe you can do it.

My T wants me to build an escape hatch. So I can open it up and get away from him and the bad stuff that happened. I haven't really said it out loud but I don't think that will work because I will just bring the bad with me. Reading your post and the comments makes me realize that part of what I have to get away from is the beliefs. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I'm not convinced your T understands DID. You can have DID and have co-consciousness. That would be hearing the voices and having your actions directed by others as well as yourself. I'm not explaining it very well. Before we started really working on DID issues, we would have described it the same way you did, having these others in our head.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm not convinced your T understands DID. You can have DID and have co-consciousness. That would be hearing the voices and having your actions directed by others as well as yourself.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) DSM-5 Criteria - HealthyPlace

There must be personailty shifts. The change from the 4th edition to 5th is now the person can report this rather then another person but there must be still a personailty shift and that doesn't happen.

Also:

2. Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information and/or traumatic events. (Dissociative Amnesia: Deeply Buried Memories) This criteria for DID newly recognizes that amnesia doesn't just occur for traumatic events but, rather, everyday events, too.

3. The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.
This criterion is common among all serious mental illness diagnoses as diagnosis is not appropriate where the symptoms do not create distress and/or trouble functioning.

4. The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.
This DID criterion is to eliminate diagnosis in cultures or situations where multiplicity is appropriate. An example of this is in children where an imaginary friend is not necessarily indicative of a mental illness.

5. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).
This characteristic of dissociative identity disorder is important as substance abuse or another medical condition is more appropriate to diagnose, when present, than DID.

None of that fits. I don't have Amnesia, it doesn't effect my abilty to function.

But mainly, no personailty but my own is in the driver's seat. I don't switch personailties. Which is what DID is.

My therapist calls it haulted emotions. I told him yesterday that I think that it is an extreme disocissation just before DID. That I don't switch but do have "alters" in my head. I told him yesterday that I am beginning to understand that this "inner child" doesn't change ages as I previously thought, but that there are several.

I had "alters" back during the trauma. "Brandy", "Alison", and "Kaylee". Brandy was the one that did the rituals. Alison was the prostitute and made the videos. And Kaylee was the child that came out at night, and still does.

When I left the trauma, I dropped the names. So none of them present themselves, where i say my name is Brandy or Alison or Kaylee. I do act like a child at times but never do I switch personalities. So it would be wrong for me to even say I may have DID as I don't fit the diagnosic criteria. Though I do recongize that it may be an extreme disocissative episode, right before you get to DID, which is the most extreme disocissative episodes.

I also do not recongize them by name anymore. But I am beginning to realize that they are still in my head. They act like alters where they hold emotions from certian times in my life. Like the most common one which I call my inner child is about 7 yrs old, always hiding and scared, but holds my very early emotions. I can't access them without first "tapping into my inner child" (what i call it). Without her, I can't feel any emotions from my early trauma.

So, I am not sure my therapist knows what to call it as it isn't DID as I don't fit the criteria for DID.

I am not even brave enough to post this under my user name. Instead I'm going anonymous,

That's ok and doesn't mean you aren-t brave. You are at least talking about it and that takes bravery! :hug:

It's this awful loop and you described it so well.

Yes, it is a cycle that is hard to get out of for sure!

I didn't know about the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children,

It's the US based center for children that are missing and/or exploited.

I just google searched "report child pornography" and their form came up.

Reading your post and the comments makes me realize that part of what I have to get away from is the beliefs. I don't know if that makes any sense.

That makes a lot of sense. The cult beliefs is the HARDEST thing that I fight. My brain stays on autopiolt and just recites the cult beliefs and trying to take back control of my brain is the hardest thing I have ever done. That and trying to change completely around all of my core beliefs. It is possible and there is a process for it but VERY hard to do.

Thank you for the reply! :hug:

 

[GrayOwl]

@ lostforgottensoul

I didn't take time to read everything. (Sorry. Unrelated personal reasons.)

I understand your hurt.

I can't stress enough Gizmo's comments that I read (and others').

I admire your honesty. I admire your strength of character.
You have morphed like a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly today,
yet with your eyes look into the mirror and see the past.

Please find the strength to use the positive tools that are there.
I see your wise counsel and compassion. I see someone with the conviction to make changes in the world and stand up for people who are hurting and need support. I don't see the old "lost", I see the new "soul".

Inside we carry the hurt and the programming that harmed and traumatized us.
Like any wound, it takes time, tons of self forgiving and compassion and healing.
You don't pull a crack addict or hard core alky off their regimen cold turkey.
So the relapses and trips into old behavior, in my humble opinion, are necessary and logical, as we start the process of healing and heading toward a more positive life for ourselves. Cold turkey emotional withdrawal is not, again, my opinion, necessarily wise or healthy.

I love what you do for us on this site. Your contributions, your thoughts; your wisdom and direction, insights, support. When your "old" files and tapes start playing - pull out some of the new ones - contributions, wisdom, direction, insight, support, compassion, love, caring, listening, - you know what I mean - and start slipping the new files in between and around the old files. Maybe make that a visual game. They WILL start to overwrite the old bad tapes and crowd them out. You will feel change.

What happened in your life will never "not" be a part of you. But I can't stress enough how much the you I see today impresses me and how much I admire your strength and the positive traits. It is SO ok to just be you.

I send all the hugs, wishes for healing, and prayers for serenity that I can.
You are a special wonderful person.
I hope you know that.
:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow @GrayOwl! Not sure what to say other then thank you!

I don't see the things you do but I hope one day maybe I can see at least a little bit of good in me. I've done many back and forths with my therapist about why im a monster that should be under a jail. Why i should be punished for the remainder of my life. So its hard to see any small good. I start to see a small something and quickly push it away "no, no, no! I am this and this and this...and don't forget it".

It's the same with replies like.yours. im arguing against it in my head. "No! There's nothing good about me!" Most of my therapy is an all out mental war with myself.

I've always felt like the real me. The me pre 6 years old, is stuck deep inside of myself but wanting out. Just wonder if there is too much "yuck" burying that person.

 

[GrayOwl]

Nah. Never too much "yuck".
I'm 60 going on 6 myself.
Slooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly getting past stuck.
But I do have good moments today.
I even allow myself to enjoy them and feel good sometimes.
It's a nice feeling. But the "yuck' always seems to be lurking.
If I stay positive for a while I reward myself with ice cream.
And you guys help a bunch.
Sometimes just a few moments is all I get.
I'm happy when they happen.

You are so right tho. My mind fights positive. "No No That's not me!" My first reaction is usually to reject the positive.
I hope mine rewrites too. It seems to be. Slowly.

 

[Justmehere]

My therapist calls it haulted emotions. I told him yesterday that I think that it is an extreme disocissation just before DID. That I don't switch but do have "alters" in my head. I told him yesterday that I am beginning to understand that this "inner child" doesn't change ages as I previously thought, but that there are several.

Ego states might be another way to look at it?

I have ego states that are not personalities, but hold feelings - even inner child states that are young, and youngish feelings. Every person with or without PTSD has ego states, but sometimes with PTSD and dissociation, the ego states are not well integrated and so we can loose fluidily and communication between states. Using internal family systems techniques can help the ego states be more fluid - so that when a young inner child feeling comes up, there is also the adult state that help regulate those really hard emotions. It's new to me to experience in a more integrated way, and I can't describe it well - when I can do it, it is really helpful.

Anyhow, looking into ego state theory might help.

I also continue to agree with the others. You have handled this with great courage and probably more wisdom than you realize. :hug:s to you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hmmm @Justmehere, ego states. Thats intresting. I'll need to read more about that. I never had any sort of word for it belore. Makes sense though.

Normally when I "tap into" this inner child to get the younger emotions, my adult self is there. Thats mainly what ive done to write the letters and poems and stuff. Its been crutial for my therapy.

At night thats another story. Though never control over my body, it feels like my inner child is the only one there. Its when I feel young. That when my mom died for a long time frame and not long ago in the day for ling timeframes too, where I felt young. Adult self or mind still there. Just emotionally. I guess thats happened more then I knew now that I think about it. Not sure, though, if my adult ego was present too then though.

Anyway, I'll need to research it. Any tips on how to keep the adult ego present to handle the emotions?

 

[Cyberluddite]

I like "ego states" better than what it's always felt like to me: "multiple fractures". But it feels pretty similar: not completely DID, as I don't "disappear" into any of the other "selves", but no psychosis or delusional thinking as they don't have the final say on what I should or shouldn't do.

Ironic, considering that outside of my head I work better solo than with a team.

I didn't get a chance to read all of the comments, but I promise I will. I wanted you to know that I am proud of you for reporting the video. This may sound strange today, but please believe me when I say this -- down the road, you will look back at that moment and realize you went from "prey" to "protector". The first strike is always the hardest, but you were strong enough to draw that line and make it happen.

Much love, and a lot of respect for you and your child-self. Ya done good, kids. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I just finished reading this tonight Lost and again, I really like you so much for being yourself. You are a good person who was horribly used and tortured among so many other evil people who forced you to do things that you would never have chosen for yourself because the ideas of it would not have ever occured to you and I hope for the day when you can know this to be a fact and start knowing how innocent you were and totally controlled and helpless. I do not know why you were so surrounded by so many evil people but you did not deserve any of it at all ever

I hope and pray for the day when the projected shame forced upon you was never yours to carry, nor the blame or guilt or self hatred or them convincing you that you were a monster all evil lies from them. The worst part of it all to me is that they each one of them knew exactly what they were doing to you and why they were doing it and all lied to you I hate them for what they did and how the past is still so fresh and tortures you.

I am proud of how hard you work in therapy and with Chopper. I hope that you sleep a dreamless good restful sleep tonight. Love and hugs:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: