Struggling With Therapy And Transference

[FauxLiz]

For about 6 weeks now I have been struggling with an internal push/pull in therapy. I have discussed on here before a struggle with erotic transference for my T. That hasn't resolved and now I am finding that one form of transference is being mixed up and confused with another form of transference as I find myself seeking his approval in ways that I did with my parents but never received.

I know that I should talk to him about this but I am struggling to bring it up. I have been making lifestyle changes recently trying to find healthier ways to manage my stress and anxiety. He keeps giving me positive feedback, congratulates me on taking these steps and I find myself questioning whether I am making these changes for me or for him.

Sometimes I feel really confused by the combined erotic/paternal transference and I don't know how to work thru this. So I am hoping that some of you my peers can help me figure out how to handle this.

 

[Eagle3]

After that wonderful thread in the anonymous forum (Sex with Therapist) I realized I has some similar issues to work through with my T. He had actually brought up this issue during a recent session, and I had dissociated so badly he had to ground me before I could leave that day. Thanks to that thread, after really thinking and searching my reasons for dissociating due to transference and trauma issues, I was able to send my T several emails detailing what had happened and where my head had really been struggling. The response I got from him was so reassuring, I'm SO glad I brought it up with him! We're going to be going into intense work on that in a few weeks (too stressed with other, more immediate triggers to deal well right now), and I find I'm actually looking forward to it. T made me feel truly safe for the first time in my life; he appreciated and applauded me for bringing such a sensitive and difficult issue out into the open where it can finally be handled.

I know how hard it is to work on this, and how mortifying it can be to admit such deep, dark secrets to the object of transference, but a good T will make the effort SO worth it!

 

[MisterCatLady]

After that wonderful thread in the anonymous forum (Sex with Therapist) I realized I has some similar issu...

Haha that thread was legendary. I feel like we're all still recovering from it. Good for you on communicating openly with your T!

OP - a good therapist will explore these feelings with you. It's very uncomfortable but it's important to put feelings on the table in a therapeutic relationship. Different therapists have different philosophies on transference but not talking about it doesn't make it go away.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Eagle3 I have watched the thread on the anonymous forum as it has played out. While I find myself having erotic dreams and thoughts about my T we have discussed it briefly (while I was willing to admit the transference I wasn't willing to discuss it yet) acting out and crossing the ethical line with my T is not a road I want to go down. I have been down the road of crossing ethical boundaries in the past with my primary care doctor. It was disastrous for me because he was not only my primary care doc, friend, father of my son's best friend but also one of my bosses. I had to quite the job because it was getting out of hand and he was engaged to someone else that I knew.

 

[The Albatross]

OP/Liz said, "I have discussed on here before a struggle with erotic transference for my T. That hasn't resolved and now I am finding that one form of transference is being mixed up and confused with another form of transference as I find myself seeking his approval in ways that I did with my parents but never received.

I know that I should talk to him about this but I am struggling to bring it up. I have been making lifestyle changes recently trying to find healthier ways to manage my stress and anxiety. He keeps giving me positive feedback, congratulates me on taking these steps and I find myself questioning whether I am making these changes for me or for him."

So far as I know, learning how to accept and receive positive feedback for lifestyle changes is something to be acquired. Initially for me, it was the change that mattered, the feedback mattered, and when I began to have enough lift/experiences to over write the old scripts I had about myself I began to rely less on the positive feedback from my shrink and more on what my own experience was telling me. Dunno if that's a general experience in therapy or my own really.

A platonic, safe, therapeutic environment is the ground the foundation is built upon... in my case, if I had the willpower to do these things on my own I wouldn't have needed therapy... it was, to complete the tasks he assigned me and I didn't want to disappoint not only my shrink but myself.

So far as the struggle I think you're well on your way with ""acting out and crossing the ethical line with my T is not a road I want to go down. I have been down the road of crossing ethical boundaries". :tup::tup:;)

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you @Eagle3, @MisterCatLady, and @The Albatross for the support. I know that I need to bring this up, but I am trying to figure out whether to do so during a session or to write him a letter so that I can better control what I say and take my time and get the words right.

The fact that I am feeling anything my T scares me, we have discussed regularly my preference to stay numb and the fact that when things get really intense I revert back to alcohol and prescription meds to manage to function in my "normal" life. I have a chronic physical illness that requires treatment by specialists that I wouldn't have access to if I didn't have private health insurance. I am scared not to work because I have really no support system and would end up on the streets.

I know the fact that I feel safe enough with my T to feel anything is a positive step, I know that when we have talked about my erotic transference he has always been supportive while at the same time reinforcing that it would never happen. In fact at one point early on in our therapeutic relationship I mentioned to him that I knew if I ever wanted to end our relationship I would come on to him because I knew that he would be forced to stop working with me.

 

[FauxLiz]

I took a leap of faith today and sent my T a two page letter detailing my fears and struggles as well as a long list of questions that I have had about what we are doing, what is our plan going forward, do I need additional therapy modalities such as SE or EMDR. We have a session first thing in the morning before work and I am really scared of what will happen now.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

I took a leap of faith today and sent my T a two page letter detailing my fears and struggles as well a...

How did it go Liz? I replied to your older thread and hope that everything is progressing well for you.

 

[FauxLiz]

@SophiaWisdom it has been a couple of weeks since I sent him the letter. He had it printed out and in hand the first time we met after I sent it and he opened with praising me for being courageous enough to write down everything I did. We had a really good session but since then our sessions have taken a huge step backward. I have been moody, hot and cold erratically switching moods and am doing struggling with the bare minimum of self-care to continue getting out of bed in the morning to go to work and our sessions.

Our two sessions this week have been extremely difficult for me to show up for as I feel as though I am mad at the world and want to hit something or someone. I blew up at my T during our session and used the F word, I know that doesn't sound like a big deal to most but it was the first time he had every heard me use profanity and we spent what I considered too much time today on what I said and how I said it. The thing is he was happy I said it because I tend to minimize things but it bothered me when he would repeat what I said. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that the household I grew up in was not like others. Don't get me wrong I know that what my brother did to me wasn't normal but accepting that what my other siblings subjected me to, how my parents treated me, life in general was not how others were treated or grew up. I also realized this week that I am holding back during our sessions because they take place in the early morning hours (7 am) so I don't want to become too emotional or open myself up and then have to go to work and deal with the public.

Sorry this is so long but I spent my day frustrated, anxious and on edge and I have to figure out how to deal with confronting and accepting reality. I realized today during my session that what I am experiencing as erotic transference or sexual attraction is in fact me trying to sabotage the therapeutic relationship and punish myself rather than actually confront and deal with my history.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

@SophiaWisdom it has been a couple of weeks since I sent him the letter. He had it...

Wow I also applaud you and for sharing this in detail as well. This is helpful for all of us to walk alongside and know we aren't alone in our transference struggles. Today was a big day for me as well with therapy so I'm definitely feeling weird, a little raw and a little overwhelmed.

Thanks for sharing with us and him so bravely so that we can all share in these struggles. And great self-awareness! I'm so neurotic so I definitely think about how I'm behaving towards my therapist ALL THE TIME - super keen of it, particularly since I'm aware of the positive transference as well as how I'm basically acting out all my old relationship patterns in my entire life wit him. Much heart to you.