Knowing The Moment You Became Hopeless From Abuse

[trying2movefwd]

Yes. The night I was raped as an adult, triggered everything from my childhood. I've never been the same since. Now I struggle with ptsd,major depression, borderline personality disorder....I may have had some traits before that night, but that night I lost the "life" I once had in me.

 

[Eagle3]

I know the moment I lost my ability to feel emotions, in the middle of my time in the worst hell.

I remember the moment something "broke" in my brain and I lost my ability to find words, as well as being engulfed in apathy, while during intense triggering stress at school.

I know the event that I lost my ability to fight in spite of the fears and mental turmoil and succumbed to the worst flashback of all time, and haven't been able to step into a sparring ring since.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

Yes. In one moment I was betrayed by the only two people I had thought loved me. In that moment I lost my ability to trust anyone, lost the ability to ever feel safe, lost interest in ever associating with anyone unless I can't avoid it, and only on a surface level. It went on for 6 years, and eventually I lost the ability to feel hunger, fatigue, physical pain, or much of anything else. I feel things only in flashbacks.

 

[J'qel]

No, I was too young. I know it was around seven because that was when my sibling was taken away and my abuser blamed me for it, even though I was uncooperative with the social worker. Why I, as a younger child was left in an abusive home I'll never know. I do know that I was heartbroken when they refused affection from me shortly after. I don't know when I finally realized that it wasn't a temporary "punishment". I was getting mild abuse before that but I think I still had some hope.

I know that my first attempt when when I was eight, so it was probably sometime in my seventh year.

 

[LLMertens]

@J'qel my older sibling was removed from my life when I was 5. I was later told never to speak of him again because my Mom said "It is like stabbing me in the stomach with a knife". Gee, Mom. It sort of has me upset too, eh? I have no idea what happened to my brother.

I turned out to be remarkably resilient, but decompensated last year after a series of frightening events. It was my first live action suicidal ideation that was my true breaking point. My brain just can't take any more trauma.

 

[J'qel]

My sibling was returned to our home after something happened at the fosterage. I never found out why. Given that this is sibling with substance abuse issues and a criminal record, it could have been anything.

I don't talk to them now mostly because they're almost always some form of incoherent or angry. About one call out of the last seven has been civil and one of them involved them threatening my life and saying I deserved to be shot in front of a firing squad. So... not such a bad thing we don't talk anymore.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I left home about 10 hours after high school graduation, and never looked back. I don't know if my family is dead or alive, and I do not care. I put myself through college and graduate school. Getting completely away from them is the best thing I could have done for myself; probably the only bit of "self care" that I have ever managed.

 

[LLMertens]

I too split immediately after high school graduation and later put myself through college. I attempted over and over to find a way to have a relationship with them but never was successful. Now that I have decompensated and "broken" I find that I no longer want to fix it. It makes me very sad, and I still have a lot of guilt because I feel this way now. I know it is distorted in a bad way but feelings are feelings.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Yes. The night I was raped as an adult, triggered everything from my childhood. I've never been...

Me too @trying2movefwd post rape by gastroenterologist - I crashed and like you this event triggered most everything from my childhood.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I have been able to figure out the exact moment I changed from a person who had some positiv...

I know where you are coming from, I tried to figure that out but recognized that since my own father groomed me as a little child that I was so early placed within an abusive environment that I could not have escaped out of it for the rest of my life.
But now I am finally healthy enough to know that someone is doing his best to lift me out of this cycle. Once someone has the right tools it does not matter so much anymore how a victim got introduced into abusive environments because then the victim is strong enough to recognize abusive behaviors and extinguish the flame before it is lit.
Predators want to light the flame, the victim has to have that fire extinguisher ready at all times.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Freedomfighter My moment was just part of a reign of abuse, my abuse involved people who should have been caring for me, and social services knew and looked the other way. From that moment on life meant nothing anymore. I have had over 50 hospitalizations since most all S/I or S/Attempt related. Its like a roller coaster, I have my up's but the downs often involve S/I. If you can't count on DSS to protect you who can you trust. Since that moment my hypervigilance has been one to always know the situation around was safe. As it was the situation around me at that time that I was abused.

 

[One step at a time]

Yes.
There was not one moment, but I know that one school year, I was still fighting the beliefs. Life had some meaning and hope.
The next fall I was falling apart - dissociating increasingly, self harm, hiding.