Knowing The Moment You Became Hopeless From Abuse

[FireSign8]

I think it was the day I snapped & beat the crap out of a bi girl who wanted to trade dope to get me off. I gave her a rail & pounded the crap out of her. She came back the next day & I had to tell her I was gonna call the cops on her if she ever came back to my door! Then I took a well needed nap & downed a 40! I'm not like that anymore.

 

[Lupin]

The eve of my 20th birthday I realized the mantra I had told myself and the daydreams I had sustained myself on through a lifetime of abuse and trauma were not real. I had always told myself that one day I would mean something and be happy and travel the world and after 2 years of being in control of my life I felt worse than I ever had, and had made many damaging mistakes. I had broken down many times before this moment, but it's been a year and this breakdown changed something deep within me. I think the idealist inside of me, maybe the last part of my innocence, finally died. I've been trying to resurrect it since then; it has been very hard losing my only dependable source of hope and motivation.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Me too, so more hugs for you :hug:hugs:hug:! JJ

Here's plenty back to you, JadesJewel. BTW, I love your user name.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:!!!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Here's plenty back to you, JadesJewel. BTW, I love your user name.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hu...

I am called Jade by all of my friends and loved ones. It is a name that I received in college because I dressed so bohemian chic and wore lots of jewelry (I make jewelry) hence JadesJewels, get it! Fits! And all of your HUGS are ammmaaazzziiinnnggg! Thank you! JJ

 

[Rainsong]

I think it happened after the sexual abuse got discovered by my parents, and they did nothing. They had a sit down with us, told us to stop "the games", and my father told us to never, ever speak of it to anyone. So I didn't. I was 12. That was the first time I felt hopeless.

It got worse ten years later, after I got a kid of my own, and all the memories started bubbling up. I started therapy cause I couldn't deal. After a couple of years I had the strength to tell my mother it was actually sexual abuse, not games or play, and that it had damaged me. My parents again had a sit down with my brothers and me, they said sorry, and nothing else happened. Everything just went on as usual, everyone was invited for Christmas, everyone played nice, and I went along, not understanding why I felt so f*cking bad, guilty that I couldn't just let it go. I was 22. That was the second time I felt hopeless.

Ten more years of that shit, and I couldn't deal with it anymore. I told everyone in my family about the sexual abuse, and that I wanted NO contact with my brothers. A short time after, my mother invites us all to her birthday party. It's my choice you see, if I don't want to be a part of it, it's my failing. I was 32. That was the third time I felt hopeless.

I stopped having contact with my parents shortly after. I don't feel hopeless anymore.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Rainsong, my family clammed up as tight as clams, my "parents' would not utter a word about any of sexual trauma, notta, zip, zilch, big fat goose egg! I understand. JJ

 

[Rainsong]

@Rainsong, my family clammed up as tight as clams, my "parents' would not utter a...

Same here, not a word about it. Taboo. After I told everyone, and I stated clearly that I'm willing and able to answer any questions, talk about anything, I have gotten zero response. The shame is like a thick fog around my family, and I feel like I'm the only one who actually sees it.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

We @Rainsong all who are in this incredible forum are in recovery of some form or another. We open pandora's box and let out the secrets that have kept us in bondage and shackled for so long. So glad you're here. JJ

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Speaking of EMDR my trauma therapy wants to begin that with me.

And how do you feel about that? JJ