I Just Wanna Run...please Help Me

[PitbullLOVE]

I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. Most of all, I feel like running. I just want to run. I just want to run. So bad. And it’s literally taking everything in me not to. So, I moved to California from Seattle last year. Everything had been great. I had been happier than ever. I had finally started therapy (for real this time; actually making effort - more effort than I have ever made in therapy in my entire life, and I have been in therapy for 8 years). I wanted to get past my left and right brain dissociation; I wanted to stop feeling so emotionally vacant. Problem is, now that I no longer feel emotionally vacant; I wish I could again. Reason being, I’m living with my boyfriend. After being raped my entire childhood and finally getting out of the dissociation I was stuck in for years; I now cannot stand being around my boyfriend. I can’t stand him looking at me. I can’t stand him looking at me. I don’t want to be anywhere near him and my pulling away and distancing myself clearly makes him want to do everything and anything he can do to pull me closer. The nice things he does for me annoy me. The nice things he says to me disgust me. I look at him and I am disgusted; my head is filled with horribly judgmental thoughts. The concept of sex seems so foreign to me; I don’t even know how I am going to handle that situation when it arises.

I don’t want to leave. This has always happened, and I have always “ran,” in the past. I don’t want to do that. I want to love him the way I did before this began happening about a week ago. But I don’t know how to get past this. I feel so lost and so hopeless and there’s no feeling I hate more than this. I have talked to him about it (not in as much detail as I have in this post, obviously) and let him know how I am feeling. He knows about my PTSD, about what caused it, and he insists that he’ll wait as long as need be for me to get past this. The problem is, I’m having such a hard time dealing with this in the meantime. I feel I am not only emotionally abandoning myself, but I am emotionally abandoning him. He’s a great guy. He really is. But no matter how wonderful of a guy he may be, I still feel the same way I always end up feeling in relationships. He’s different than anyone I have ever been with in the past - this is my problem, not his. But I feel so unsafe. I can’t just leave - I have nowhere else to go, nowhere else to live, and despite my brain constantly telling me to just go back “home” to Seattle - that would definitely not be the right thing for me to do. This is exhausting me. I’m not happy at all, and I’m so sick of feeling this way. I just want it to end.

 

[Deleted member 38644]

You wrote this for me didn't you? Excluding the rape this is all me. I'm leaving Arkansas for another State soon. I feel trapped. I lost all contact with the other side of my family including father. I want to enjoy life because I feel suffocated in life. I always felt trapped

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

There are times when I can't stand to be around my husband. I hate writing that out because it seems so wrong. It's nothing he's done, it's the PTSD. All of my stuff came up after we were married for about 7 or 8 years so we had a good "before" time and a good foundation for building understanding. I didn't talk to him at all at first, but that shut him out and made things worse. So I eventually talked to him and I talk to him regularly now. It was his choice whether or not to stick with me and support me and my choice how much to let him in. He has chosen to stick with and support me no matter what the rough times are like (and that includes lengthy breaks from intimacy at times) and I have chosen to let him in as much as I can (which isn't all the way) and things seem to be working out quite well. It's just a different kind of relationship than we had before and a different way of living than we imagined life. Oh, and I still do feel like running and sometimes literally run on my feet or drive away, but never for very long just to get out. I just thought I would put this out there in case any of it helps you.

 

[7Cs]

I don’t know what to do. I feel lost. I feel trapped. I feel smothered. Most of all, I feel like...

It's going to be ok.

You have taken a HUGE step and I am so proud of you. :hug:

I think what you're going though is completely normal for someone who has finally taken down the obstacle that holds back all those emotions. Those emotions are what you want to escape, not him. The emotions probably feel fresh and raw but they're not. They've been there a long time - they are not new and they are not now. You may have to tell yourself that over and over and over again.

Some ideas for mantra type self talk...


"The year is * and I am * years old" - make sure you correct yourself if this comes out wrong!

"What happened to me then is no longer happening now"

"This is my home and I am safe here - I do not need to run. I am safe"

"He is my boyfriend and he loves me - he will not hurt me - I am safe with him"

 

[Deleted member 38644]

It's going to be ok.

You have taken a HUGE step and I am so proud of you. :hug:

I think what you're going...

This website has every freaking thing! Thanks I'm going to start googling self mantra type talk. thanks!!!

 

[7Cs]

This website has every freaking thing! Thanks I'm going to start googling self mantra type talk....

Here are some other key words you can try!

positive self talk
self soothing
healing mantras
healing affirmations

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Some ideas for mantra type self talk...

Those are great suggestions. I use a lot of them, too.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

This website has every freaking thing! Thanks I'm going to start googling self mantra type talk....

From what I've recently read in an excerpt from van der Kolk's book - The Body Keeps The Score, you said you've had 8 yrs. of therapy (are you still in therapy and what does your therapist say about you wanting to leave, and regarding your boyfriend, have you discussed this with T?) Did you say you are no longer feeling emotionally vacant, then are you saying in that same paragraph above, "I want to stop feeling so emotionally vacant?" And how is this guy you're currently in a relationship with *different* from the other guys you have been with?

What I'm about to share may not be of any help at all, but just maybe it might be. In my past, because all I was use to was the abuse, etc. I could not relate to guys who wanted to just love me for me. Those guys who were nice to me and treated me like I deserve to be treated like the love of their lives. I couldn't stand that! It was foreign to me. And I did run, I ran so fast to get away from them. I was attracted (so I thought back then having nothing but sick abuse to gauge what I unknowingly wanted to be attracted to @Lauren Taylor) to guys who were edgy, mysterious, hard to read, shut down in their emotions, guys who played head games, guys who lied, who cheated, tough guys, all different types of emotionally unavailable guys. Then there were the men who loved their moms and their dads, and who loved women and knew how to love and be loved, and work on a long-term committed relationship for having seen this in their parents lives. These loving and caring men who wanted to marry me had healthier role models for parents and these loving men knew how to try and love without false masks, and without playing mind games, etc. These men had their own homes, careers, and wanted to marry me and start family. And. I ran from them because I could not let them touch me emotionally, physically in every way - in a healthy *good* loving way. No. So I ran. I only knew guys who abused me, and that's all I knew. And I felt so unhappy, uncomfortable around emotionally available men. And perhaps none of what I shared about myself applies to you. If so, disregard. Perhaps, you have fallen out of love/like with this person? I don't know. Are you able to talk this out with T? I live by this borrowed quote: Wherever I go - there I am. In other words, I can't run from me and how I feel, I must face myself honestly about who I am and why I am really feeling the way I do - not for anyone else but me.

Now in emdr sessions I am becoming more and more aware @Lauren Taylor that I attracted those type of guys to me (emotionally unavailable) so I did not have to deal with my emotions that were either undeveloped or underdeveloped regarding commitment, emotional stability, mutual forgiveness, giving and taking in a more stable relationship with a guy, and all the things that couples do day in and day out in a loving again committed relationship which is still foreign to me. For I never ever experienced this mutual long-term loving commitment with a guy. Never.

 

[Friday]

I want to love him the way I did before this began happening about a week ago. But I don’t know how to get past this.

One of the things that I've learned to do over time is ignore myself when I know that whatever "now" is, isn't actually normal, but is in response to something else. Whether I'm triggered, or my stress has maxed & I am doing what I do when my stress cup rises (exploding, shutting down, or wanting to run), or I have a symptom that's decided to come for a visit (a nightmare cycle kicks off, or I lose my emotions, or I'm depressed, or whatever). Something happened. I'm responding to that something. This isn't how it's always been. This isn't how it's always going to be. Now is not forever.

Whatever this is happened a week ago? That's a temporary thing, then. And a reeeeeally great thing to discuss with your therapist. Hey! So X happened, and now <insert what you wrote above! about how you feel about your BF> has happened in response, so now all I want to do is run away. How can I deal with these 3 things? (x + reaction in your daily life + how you want to respond to what's happened in your daily life). How do I get past this?

Also

I had finally started therapy (for real this time; actually making effort - more effort than I have ever made in therapy in my entire life, and I have been in therapy for 8 years). I wanted to get past my left and right brain dissociation; I wanted to stop feeling so emotionally vacant. Problem is, now that I no longer feel emotionally vacant; I wish I could again

Just starting therapy? I hope your therapist warned you that with trauma therapy for a while things get worse , not better. Far more symptomatic, far less able to cope, and that it takes a little while to learn new coping strategies, and for symptoms to ramp back down. Even once that's happened though, there will be times (triggered, stressor, life stress, etc.) where there's just this PEAK of symptoms. :wtf: Learning to get through them, and learning the tools that help you get through them? Invaluable. It's not "stopping therapy" or "moving backwards" to take a break from what you were working on, to work on these. (You might not think/feel this way, it's just a common reaction.) It's VERY much a part of laying the foundation that allows more "forward" work to happen without destroying your life. When things start to destabilize? Taking the time to restabilize. Learning the tools. Figuring out patterns. Learning how to apply them.

 

[Fadeaway]

How long have you been in therapy? You are putting a lot of effort into it, so that is bound to help this situation. It is easy to feel like we are trapped when we are stressed, but please try to not feel guilty for it. I can related to a lot of what you have said, and it does pass, it also comes back.

When you are feeling like this, take a deep breath and try to accept that your mind and your emotions don't agree with each other at the moment. During this time you can go for walks and explore new places. You can give yourself as much alone time as possible.
Make a two column list. One side is what you feel. The other side is what your logical and rational brain is telling you. I find this helps me sort out the "I want to run but there is no where to go," merry go round I can get stuck on.

Pay attention to what is causing you stress, and try to reduce as much stress as possible. I will bet you that your stress cu is fuller than you think it is.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

I typed out a reply but it keeps telling me, "Anti-Spam Prevention: You cannot post links" and I didn't even put any links in my reply, it just has all of the responses to my OP quoted and then my responses to each of them. ???

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't know if you need a higher post count to multi quote, but I would submit a ticket on that. At the very least, it is a very confusing message.