Can All Men Be Provoked To Violence?

[Deleted member 35429]

Ive been with my husband 13 yrs and he's never hit me. I chose him in part because he's very stable. He has said on a few occasions over the years that if I provoked him enough that I should expect a violent response and that I would be responsible for provoking him because violence isn't in his nature.

He is a very steady man so I trust him but his words feel very threatening to me. He thinks I need to be accountable for provoking him....this is all hypothetical of course.

Does he seem reasonable? I was subjected to a bit of violence in my youth and I certainly felt it was my fault so it kills me to hear him talk like this.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I

Ive been with my husband 13 yrs and he's never hit me. I chose him in part because he's very stable. He ha...

should follow up with an explanation for the title of this post. My husband says that you shouldn't provoke any man because of their instincts to fight and protect themselves. He insists a violent response to provocation is normal for *all* men, with rare exception.

This man has never been in a street fight and never hit a woman so it floors me that he would say this. How am I supposed to live with someone that says these things? Am I totally unreasonable?

 

[Laycee]

It's sounds like for some reason he wants to be violent or he's honestly just waiting for you to let him snap. It's still his fault if he gets violent with you. Defending from an attacker is one thing, so if you get physical then of course he will likely be violent in response. From my perspective it feels like he is either keeping you in a woman's place or he knows he can overpower you. He sounds like an angry man inside. Angry and hateful can still look calm and caring because we are used to seeing violence and negatives in response to anger.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

What kind of provocation does he mean? For example, someone physically threatening him would be normal to defend himself. Someone trying to blackmail him or something like that again would make sense. Someone giving him a bad look is not a valid provocation nor is having a bad day.

 

[Buttercup]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It is an odd thing to say, and it obviously bothers you.

What does he mean by "provoke?" That could be a multitude of things. Has he defined this to you?

 

[Laycee]

My own husband was a violent person and still can be with idiots. When a guy smacked his wife in town, my husband knocked him out for it. The guy that tried to rob him? Well he got knocked out too. That being said the worst he will do to me is hold me down, no matter how much I've been attacking myself or him too. He also knows that I can never physically hurt him as much as he could hurt me, so even more he doesn't get violent.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think actually anyone can be provoked to violence, actually, depending on the circumstance (think 'Mama bear', etc). Have you guys considered counselling? Is this new?

 

[Virtues]

What do you do that constitutes as provocation? Do you hit him? Do you throw things at him? Do you become physically abusive? You have to give us a little more detail than "provoke", that is a very vague term.

 

[illusionist]

If violence isn't in his nature, he wouldn't threaten it....he would warn you that he would end things if he was provoked enough.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I also think that anyone can be provoked into violence....depending on the circumstance. I am curious if he knows that you have been subjected to violence, and whether he knows that his statement bothers you...maybe it is his way of feeling like he is in control...or he wants to make sure that you keep your words or actions calm or at least controlled.

I wonder if it's like me telling my T that sex is the goal of ALL men when it comes to showing affection. He insists that I am wrong, but my experience says otherwise. Your husband may have an underlying belief which comes from his own experience.

 

[illusionist]

.....or do things/ have things worn him down that he fears it?

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I would never hit a man, and that is the only reason I could ever see violence being provoked. I have had guy friends get hit by their girlfrs to the point of broken noses, black eyes, and scratched faces. I never know why they didn't defend themselves except it was a girl that violent. Other than that I do not believe violence is ever ok, but to defend ones self I can see it. I have had female friends who can beat up big men, and have no problem fighting.
I'm short, and small, so a man better not hit me. I would have to break out my tazer, mace, frying pan, or something. But, I don't like violence, conflict, or fighting, so I'm a pushover. I also am single, and have no plans to change that. Odd coment, but maybe he is means don't physically abuse, or assault him? I hope. Otherwise sounds like an odd statement.