S
Stanzi
This past week has been increasingly difficult for me. everyday i feel more and more overwhelmed and numb. nothing at all makes me happy anymore. not even my fiance. its taking a toll on him though. he recently got his first full time job and is working a little more than 60 hours a week which gives us very limited time together which has been rough on me considering i dont have many friend and the ones i do either live fairly far or are constantly busy, which means im alone a lot of the time. i havent been sleeping or eating properly and have become more and more suicidal.
my fiance says he wants me to be more open to him about how i feel so he can try to help me more. as hard as that is for me to do i have been trying very hard to tell him how i feel so he feels hes a part of my recovery. Tonight was a particularly bad night where i was barely talking, smiling, or moving. he was very tolerant though and didnt stop trying to make me smile. after 2 hours he had to go home to get sleep for another day of work tomorrow. when he got home we texted for a bit and the conversation started going down hill.
he says he cant take working all the time and spending the little free time he has being with me if im so miserable that i cant even smile anymore. i told him if it would be easier on him i could try to act a little happier around him, because i understood where he was coming from. he said no because then id be faking it. he kept talking about needing genuine happiness in his life, and how he doesnt know how to keep himself happy if all i ever am is miserable.
i didnt know what to tell him, i asked him a few times if he wanted to stop coming to see me and he never really answered, then all of a sudden he stopped responding all together. its been about an hour now, i assume he just fell asleep but i cant help but be so paranoid he is just ignoring me and that ill never hear from him again.
it all just has me feeling so down. i feel like ive become a burden in his life that he feels stuck with. i feel as if hes going to leave me because i no longer can make him happy or give him what he needs. i want to be happy and i dont think he understands how much i wish i was my old self again. i think he thinks he wants it more than i do.
and then on top of it all i am so angry hes doing this. hes bipolar and i have broken my back doing everything i could to help him when he would give me nothing to work with. i helped even though he became emotionally abusive during his manic episodes. i helped even after months of getting treated like shit. i helped even though he cheated on me with so many different girls online, even going as far as to date one girl who lived across the country. i helped bc i knew it would be worth it once we could find him a medicine that helped. and i was right. the medicine finally helped and hes back to a more stable self now.
it seems now that hes there that he expects me to be too. but separate from even all that,i have my own troubles im trying to deal with and i guess it was stupid of me to think he would try to be there for me as much as i did for him. which seems to be a pattern. i try my hardest for him, and he tries for me and gives up and makes me feel bad about needing help when he has other responsibilities. as he said "i cant work 60 hours a week and come home and take care of you" but i have never asked to be taken care of. ive only ever asked for him to be patient and to try to understand what im going through. i dont know anymore
i guess im asking you guys, how do you think i should handle this? or how do i bring this up without triggering some kind of angry manic response from him? bc he still has times where he gets that way even on the medicine. the last thing i want to do is break up with him, but lately the option has been seeming more and more realistic. how do i try to get him to understand my side of all of this?
my fiance says he wants me to be more open to him about how i feel so he can try to help me more. as hard as that is for me to do i have been trying very hard to tell him how i feel so he feels hes a part of my recovery. Tonight was a particularly bad night where i was barely talking, smiling, or moving. he was very tolerant though and didnt stop trying to make me smile. after 2 hours he had to go home to get sleep for another day of work tomorrow. when he got home we texted for a bit and the conversation started going down hill.
he says he cant take working all the time and spending the little free time he has being with me if im so miserable that i cant even smile anymore. i told him if it would be easier on him i could try to act a little happier around him, because i understood where he was coming from. he said no because then id be faking it. he kept talking about needing genuine happiness in his life, and how he doesnt know how to keep himself happy if all i ever am is miserable.
i didnt know what to tell him, i asked him a few times if he wanted to stop coming to see me and he never really answered, then all of a sudden he stopped responding all together. its been about an hour now, i assume he just fell asleep but i cant help but be so paranoid he is just ignoring me and that ill never hear from him again.
it all just has me feeling so down. i feel like ive become a burden in his life that he feels stuck with. i feel as if hes going to leave me because i no longer can make him happy or give him what he needs. i want to be happy and i dont think he understands how much i wish i was my old self again. i think he thinks he wants it more than i do.
and then on top of it all i am so angry hes doing this. hes bipolar and i have broken my back doing everything i could to help him when he would give me nothing to work with. i helped even though he became emotionally abusive during his manic episodes. i helped even after months of getting treated like shit. i helped even though he cheated on me with so many different girls online, even going as far as to date one girl who lived across the country. i helped bc i knew it would be worth it once we could find him a medicine that helped. and i was right. the medicine finally helped and hes back to a more stable self now.
it seems now that hes there that he expects me to be too. but separate from even all that,i have my own troubles im trying to deal with and i guess it was stupid of me to think he would try to be there for me as much as i did for him. which seems to be a pattern. i try my hardest for him, and he tries for me and gives up and makes me feel bad about needing help when he has other responsibilities. as he said "i cant work 60 hours a week and come home and take care of you" but i have never asked to be taken care of. ive only ever asked for him to be patient and to try to understand what im going through. i dont know anymore
i guess im asking you guys, how do you think i should handle this? or how do i bring this up without triggering some kind of angry manic response from him? bc he still has times where he gets that way even on the medicine. the last thing i want to do is break up with him, but lately the option has been seeming more and more realistic. how do i try to get him to understand my side of all of this?
