I Hated Myself For The Abuse

[Deleted member 38242]

I don't know where to put this. My abuse was the worst young, and its a long story. But, I hated myself for all the bullying, and abuse. I hated myself for so long. I was singled out over, and over again so I thought it was my fault. I was the family scapegoat and told it was my fault. Just wondering if anyone else hated themselves. I was brainwashed to honestly.

 

[claroscuro]

Oh, yes, hated myself, for being horrible enough to deserve the abuse, later for having allowed it. I'm still actively working on getting past that every day. I may understand the hatred is misplaced, but changing the mindset and silencing that little voice so artfully installed by abusers doesn't happen overnight. Same with guilt and shame.

 

[ladee]

Me too. I wondered how I was allowed to be alive if I caused so many problems.
Pure self hatred.
Like @claroscuro said.. The old messages are still there. Hard to silence them but after time they can be ignored.
I do understand.

 

[GrayOwl]

Ladee and Claroscuro described it perfectly.
When our computer like little brains are programmed from an early age to believe these things, the program has to be overwritten and overwritten time and time again until the new "I am a GOOD me" program begins to crowd out the old debris, and we actually begin to believe and feel and LIVE the new way. I believe it can be done and that our lives can become happy and meaningful. With all of your support and wisdom it is happening in my life. For that I am grateful. Thank you.

 

[Rosa]

I understand what you're going through as I am also a family scapegoat. Abuse in childhood was pretty bad I thought, something to be overcome with lots of talk and understanding and over the years I managed to unravel it all and see things for what they were. Unfortunately I continued on in relationships with some of the people who perpetuated the scapegoating and in recent times it was even worse - worse than I would ever have imagined. I am now estranged from those people (siblings most especially). I still have to work at being kind to myself and letting the love in from my hubby and good friends but I won't give up as this would be the confirmation my former abusers are looking for! I deserve to have some happiness and so do you. Leave those hurtful types behind and turn to those who offer kindness and love (you know, the ones who would never say "I love you" while stabbing you and pretending they're not).

 

[ladee]

Thanks @Rosa !! That is part of it too. Getting my family out of my life was one of the best things I did on my healing journey.
Even my son. But I choose to hope for reconciliation with him some day.
If not...then I will deal with it. But I deserve to be treated with respect. I didn't know that at the beginning. But I know it now.
I have no problem putting people to the side today who do not respect me. I have worked too hard to get where I am.

 

[ForgotToLive]

Even my son. But I choose to hope for reconciliation with him some day.
If not...then I will deal with it.

WOW you have worked hard and come a long way! I really thought I was pretty far along but maybe not as far as I thought. I'm learning a lot on this site.

 

[Bristol]

I am still battling this i havent even started to move past it so i can relate, i cant offer words of wisdom but i am standing with you

 

[Lionheart]

I not only hated myself for the abuse, I treated myself in a cruel way and without mercy for a very long time. Nearly killed myself with drugs and alcohol. I was also a cutter.

I owe myself so much comfort and happiness and am learning to love myself in a special and gentle way. Also to include myself in the generosity and kindness that I extend to others here. It don't come easy....

I am reminded of a Stevie Nicks tune, "Sometimes it a bitch, sometimes it's a breeze."

May it be a breeze to love yourselves in a new way......unconditionally, as you deserve to be!!!!

 

[Deleted member 38242]

My family has changed, and are better now, but it took me until this year to unravel the past myself. I need to forgive myself, and them, and I just realized that with this post. I have never forgiven myself for bad decisions, so I haven't forgiven them. Thank you Ladies. I need that, and good morning.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I not only hated myself for the abuse, I treated myself in a cruel way and without mercy for a very...

Same goes here. I let others hurt me because I thought I deserved it, or that I should save them. Codependancy with abusive people was hard to get over. I thought if I was nice enough, and made them happy they wouldn't hurt me, but that never ended good.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I don't know where to put this. My abuse was the worst young, and its a long story. But, I hated m...

Yep, that is what criminals thrive on, I have been accused by criminals who attempted to rape me, have been accused by criminals who are partaking in prostitution, have been accused by people after reporting other criminals.
One thing that such a pathetic predator will do is to make the victim take the fall for his or her indiscretions, and that goes so far that the predator will make the victim believe in such falsities. When I first got PTSD I actually believed that I was an aggressor, that I actually did things that I did not do, but that was partially due to some very sick people that knew the person that stalked me. In those days they were able to convince me that I did something that was not even close to the truth. I had run away from a stalker all the time and those sick individuals (which later on I found out knew that predator) actually were able to convince me that I had contact with the person that stalked me and that I was actually the person who wanted contact with a predator. It is so outrageous to know that know, and it is even more outrageous to know that all of those people were actually in a circle of criminals that attempted to stop me from reporting further crimes.
Just like the prostitutes that I turned in who will walk up to you and tell you that I am one of them.
Just like additional stalkers who will tell you that I have actually sought active contact with them, have engaged in physical relations with them.

What predators do to deny their own wrong doings can cause a severe crisis in a victim's life. The people who are still trying to do this to me are just dirt on the road, lower than a worm crawling on the ground.
Abschaum we say in my language.