Afraid Of Remembering? But Not Sure There Is Anything There.

[7Cs]

It's recently occurred to me that a few of my memories May or May Not be complete.

Sounds kind of stupid when I say it since that's true with all memories, right?

After living through 3 attempted rapes and one kidnapping unscathed I'm starting to be afraid that the memories are missing pieces.

Like nauseated rapid heartbeat panic scared.


But I've had those memories for 20 years unchanging. Other that coming to terms with my - more dissociated - self there is no reason for me to be afraid more happened than I remember.

And there are no new memories .... why am I so afraid of this?

 

[Sideways]

Do you know what it is that makes you afraid? For example, is it that you're afraid more might have happened than you remember, or that you might be on the verge of recalling more detail than you want to know?

There's something very frightening about the lack of control that we have over our memories - what our brain chooses to let us have access to and when, and equally what our brain might be withholding from us and not knowing if there's more. I get locked in a struggle between feeling entitled to know, wanting to know, and not wanting to know. But if there is more, I wish it would just come out, rip off the bandaid so I can move on, you know?

The only solace that we seem to get is being told that our mind "knows when we're ready to know more". But I don't find that comforting. I find it frightening that I seem to lack so much control over my mind, that I don't get to consciously choose.

For me, when I start to get an itch about more memories, I scratch it. I journal, talk it over with my T, get into the art therapy, talk to my parts, and review how well (or not) I've processed the memories I have.

But it's got to be time-limited, or I'd drive myself truly insane. At some point, I have to make a decision to refocus on my growth and healing and moving forward.

When you start to feel panicked, is there any self-talk that might help, like reminding yourself that whatever comes, or doesn't come, they're memories and can't hurt you now? Would journalling, particularly free-writing help, just allowing your mind to wander off in its own direction, followed by some self-soothing and grounding? Just ideas...

 

[whiteraven]

It is *usually* true of most memories. They are fluid and over time, we misplace and misremember them. This is how the brain works, normally. And with trauma, it protects us by hiding parts of the memories so we're not overwhelmed, feeding us pieces as we are able to handle them.

It is *normal* to be afraid that there might be missing pieces. Esp. when you've been accustomed to living with what you know for a long while. The unknown is really scary.

In my experience, the anxiety and fear and sick feeling is made worse when I fight it. When I build a "what if" story around what I don't know. It's easier - not easy, but easier - when I just remain open to whatever is there.

 

[7Cs]

Do you know what it is that makes you afraid? For example, is it that you're afraid more might have happened than you remember, or that you might be on the verge of recalling more detail than you want to know?

I'm afraid that more happened than I remember. 1 of the memories just cuts off but I've always believed he just stopped. I remember praying under my breath and him asking what I was doing and me telling him I was praying and then me telling him that if he continued he would be a rapist and I knew he didn't want that. That that wasn't what he was. I don't remember after that but always believed nothing else happened. The other - the kidnapping - I was kidnapped then forced out of the car at a cemetery. But they didn't hurt me. I always thought it was odd that they kidnapped me wearing facial coverings then the worst they did was force me out of the car and leave. I had a bad dream that I was walking away from a building after an assault. Feelings of disbelief and numbness and nowhere to go, but the dream does not connect with any real life experience. I've only had it once.

I'm hoping that I'm right. That my fear is for not and that truly my memories of these are accurate.

I wish it would just come out, rip off the bandaid so I can move on, you know?

Yes, if it's there I feel the same way but still scared. If there is more to remember I don't want to be completely destabilized.

When you start to feel panicked, is there any self-talk that might help, like reminding yourself that whatever comes, or doesn't come, they're memories and can't hurt you now? Would journalling, particularly free-writing help, just allowing your mind to wander off in its own direction, followed by some self-soothing and grounding? Just ideas...

Yes. I have let myself know that the memories can't hurt me. I've been working really hard on soothing self talk.
I haven't really processed through any of these experiences other than talking about them briefly and matter of fact like. I don't know if I can do it yet. I'm still having a hard time staying present when trying to process my primary/ core trauma. What I can do is stick it back in it's box so I'm not obsessing over it... for now.

 

[7Cs]

It's easier - not easy, but easier - when I just remain open to whatever is there.

Thank you.

 

[Sideways]

When you're ready to come back to it (because I'm a massive fan of picking things up and putting them down again in only manageable portions)...

One of the ways my pdoc got around this issue was to address the fear rather than the memory- I personally found it helpful, but everyone's different.

In your case, that would look something like:
"What would it mean to you if he had continued to rape you...?"
"What would it mean to you if they hadn't just let you go, but had abused you in some form before they did...?"

For me, that allowed me to basically come at it as: what do I do if the worst case scenario I'm worried about turns out to be true? Having dealt with the initial blows, how would I cope if there was more? How does it change things? What is the significance to me, and how would I heal from that?

For me, the answer was "It would be more than I could cope with". But of course, that's not true - I've been coping with it unknowingly all my life. The only difference is now I'm more aware of the awful detail, and that it could be even worse than that, so what do I do with that?

For me, that gave me more space to deal with the problem of the memory holes, without actually having to probe for detail. So that if/when it does come, I'm less frightened, because I've already dealt with it in a way, whether it's there or not. For me, the fear wasn't so much of the actual details coming back, but how I'd cope if they did. And learning to cope is something I whether the memories come or not. It's made the prospect of remembering more a lot less frightening for me...

 

[7Cs]

For me, that allowed me to basically come at it as: what do I do if the worst case scenario I'm worried about turns out to be true? Having dealt with the initial blows, how would I cope if there was more? How does it change things? What is the significance to me, and how would I heal from that?

<3

Thank you. This is what I needed.

<3

 

[Sideways]

Take it easy on yourself. Yes, we have been coping with it already, and you're clearly doing a great job of that. But none of this is easy. Worth it, but not easy.