Hello everyone, I'm new here. I've been reading all of your stories and experiences, I can truly relate to almost ALL of them as I have been sexually abused as a child , I was mauled by a friend's dog when I was 6 in my face, he ate a part of it, and I had reconstructive surgery.I have been raped over and over again in very abusive relationships both mentally and physically.
And I thought I was ok, some flashbacks here and there and bouts of rage and depression. I worked and was social..I became a certified nursing assistant to help people who couldn't take care of themselves (and was very good at it) until it all fell apart. I had a nervous breakdown and never fully recovered and it got terribly worse, I guess as I formed relationships with my residents deep down I knew they would die, but I couldn't take it anymore watching them die holding their hand as they took their last breath,prepping them afterwards for family to say their goodbyes.
Even now as I'm typing this it's making me tremble in despair. Because it gets so much worse...my Dad..who was very physically and verbally abusive as a child was retired now and over the years following we were almost inseparable. So I got him a job where I worked a a security guard. The residents loved him as he was close to their age and could relate to their stories.His health had started to decline and I was the only one who cared to help him.When I left the job,so did he.Anyway I know I'm rambling on, I just have so much to say and it's all scrambled.
So I'll try to shorten it up.within the past 5 years, my sons father died a month after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.my then 13 year old son had resided with him,it was horrible, then 1 year later my Dad was getting worse had a stroke and we thought he was ok. The next day in the hospital he had a major sroke witch left him unable to speak,eat or walk. He ended up in a nursing home and now it was my own Dad that was dying. He was sent to the hospital for the last time with pneumonia and I had to make a decision to put him on support/feeding tube or let him go peacefully...It was Horrifying either way, but I told them to make him comfortable because he would not want to live like this...he was 83.
I've been seeing Psychiatrists and the same Psychotherapist for at least 10 years. I've been on so many medications I think I've exaugsted all of them and I live each day with anxiety,panic attacks,fainting and withdrawn from everything and everyone. I get anxious just knowing I have to shower and have actually passed out in the shower because of it,I am not social anymore and pretty much just forgot how to function normally.
I have been diagnosed with so many things and I was hospitalized in Octobe for another breakdown but wanting to die...just go to sleep peacefully and be done with it all!# my son and daughter have been diagnosed with ADHD,ODD and I feel terrible that it came from ME and my mother's side of the family.I just don't know how to cope anymore and feel like giving up,a few days ago at my T appt.
She was ready to have me committed again! I said oh no! I do NOT want to go back there ! that was VERY traumatizing. I'd rather just grab a handful of pills and be done with it all. I joined this forum because I don't know where else to turn, there are no support groups for Civilians with PTSD-CPTSD. And I don't want to lose my family due to my inability to function.
Thank you for reading and listening
I know I was rambling...Sorry
And I thought I was ok, some flashbacks here and there and bouts of rage and depression. I worked and was social..I became a certified nursing assistant to help people who couldn't take care of themselves (and was very good at it) until it all fell apart. I had a nervous breakdown and never fully recovered and it got terribly worse, I guess as I formed relationships with my residents deep down I knew they would die, but I couldn't take it anymore watching them die holding their hand as they took their last breath,prepping them afterwards for family to say their goodbyes.
Even now as I'm typing this it's making me tremble in despair. Because it gets so much worse...my Dad..who was very physically and verbally abusive as a child was retired now and over the years following we were almost inseparable. So I got him a job where I worked a a security guard. The residents loved him as he was close to their age and could relate to their stories.His health had started to decline and I was the only one who cared to help him.When I left the job,so did he.Anyway I know I'm rambling on, I just have so much to say and it's all scrambled.
So I'll try to shorten it up.within the past 5 years, my sons father died a month after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer.my then 13 year old son had resided with him,it was horrible, then 1 year later my Dad was getting worse had a stroke and we thought he was ok. The next day in the hospital he had a major sroke witch left him unable to speak,eat or walk. He ended up in a nursing home and now it was my own Dad that was dying. He was sent to the hospital for the last time with pneumonia and I had to make a decision to put him on support/feeding tube or let him go peacefully...It was Horrifying either way, but I told them to make him comfortable because he would not want to live like this...he was 83.
I've been seeing Psychiatrists and the same Psychotherapist for at least 10 years. I've been on so many medications I think I've exaugsted all of them and I live each day with anxiety,panic attacks,fainting and withdrawn from everything and everyone. I get anxious just knowing I have to shower and have actually passed out in the shower because of it,I am not social anymore and pretty much just forgot how to function normally.
I have been diagnosed with so many things and I was hospitalized in Octobe for another breakdown but wanting to die...just go to sleep peacefully and be done with it all!# my son and daughter have been diagnosed with ADHD,ODD and I feel terrible that it came from ME and my mother's side of the family.I just don't know how to cope anymore and feel like giving up,a few days ago at my T appt.
She was ready to have me committed again! I said oh no! I do NOT want to go back there ! that was VERY traumatizing. I'd rather just grab a handful of pills and be done with it all. I joined this forum because I don't know where else to turn, there are no support groups for Civilians with PTSD-CPTSD. And I don't want to lose my family due to my inability to function.
Thank you for reading and listening
I know I was rambling...Sorry
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