Undiagnosed Not Who I Want To Be

[KingArthur44]

Hello All,

Let me introduce myself. I am a 44 year old veteran, who has a successful job and family. To the outside world my life looks perfect. I have a loving wife, I have 4 great children, and a successful career. Truly things could not be better. The man on the inside is happy, he loves his life. However, the man on the outside is a moody wreck.

I feel like I am stuck on the inside and cannot get out. I could not be a happier man, but it never shows. I am always grouchy and moody, very seldom showing just how happy I am. All of this makes me sad, because it is my family that suffers it, and that is just not right.

Could this be PTSD? I have been back from the war for almost 11 years and never thought that I had PTSD, but when I really think on it, I have never really been the same man since I got back. Every time I go to the VA to see the doctor for back problems, I always have to fill out a questioner that asks if I am having any sort of mental problems and do I want to see a specialist. I have always put no, just thinking these are normal problems that any man deals with. That would be my question to everyone, are these normal problems that everyone deals with?

Thank You

 

[Kintsugi]

Can you be more specific about the problems you've been having?

No one here can diagnose you, but it's difficult to tell if you're experiencing PTSD symptoms from what you've said in any case.

 

[KingArthur44]

I completely understand no one can truly diagnose me, I am just really wondering if I should seek professional help.

Here are my symptoms in a nutshell

Moody and grouchy with family
Outside not reflecting inside (not myself)
Brain fog
Not feeling like I can fully wake up in the mornings
The feeling of happiness evades me most of the time
I don't feel like I can get excited about things, like there is a block.

That pretty much sums it up. I don't feel depressed, but not happy either, just kind of blah all the time. Never feeling very excited or depressed.

 

[dulcia]

Based on your list of symptoms alone, I would say take the VA up on their offer to talk to someone.

 

[Kintsugi]

Sounds a lot like you're suffering from depression. Depression doesn't always look like oppressive grief or sadness; sometimes a pervasive lack of interest along with feeling foggy and out-of-sorts is how depression presents. I seem to have run the gamut of depression types to be suffered, and what you're describing is definitely one form in my experience.

If you don't want the VA in your business, I'm sure you can find an experienced mental health professional in your area instead.

 

[KingArthur44]

Wow Simply Simon,
That is not what I would have thought. You truly think it could be depression? I would not diagnose myself with depression. Could you please explain. How could somebody with the life I have (great family, great job, great life) suffer from depression? I mean truly I could not possible have a better life, I am blessed beyond measure. I am not saying you are wrong at all, just trying to understand. Depression is not something I would have looked into for symptoms.
Thank You

 

[Kintsugi]

I am not definitively saying that you are depressed, because I'm not qualified to do so, but with regard to your general questions above... depression does not care how good life is. Depression doesn't care how much money you have, how loved you are, or how lucky you have been. Depression is the brain chemistry demon who turns away from all things joyful, keeps its foot on the back of your neck, and tells you nothing matters, you don't matter, and that life is meaningless, pointless, hopeless, etc.

Depression is what leads perfectly blessed people to decide that life is not worth living. It doesn't care about reality. It consumes happiness and spits out apathy and sorrow.

Luckily, depression can be overcome with various lifestyle habits (think: exercise, improved diet, solid scheduling/routines, introducing as much joy as possible into your life to offset the indifference/sadness), treatment (CBT, talk therapy, etc.), and medication (SSRIs, usually, for chronic depression, but others too).

The most bubbly, outgoing, lucky person you know might wake up wanting to die every day. Shit, that's basically me. :shifty:

 

[Wendy]

I am not definitively saying that you are depressed, because I'm not qualified to do so, but with r...

I totally agree with how you described depression. It is exactly the same for me. While there are definitely things in my life that are worth being sad about or grieving over, for the most part I think I have a decent life and I'm ok with it. But I also have the brain fog, apathy, disconnected from reality feelings, exhaustion. It is really frustrating when you know that you "should" be ok but you're not. *sigh*

 

[Wendy]

And yes...I'm the person at work who cheers everyone up, is always in a good mood, etc. People would never guess how I really feel inside. I get home from work and I'm just exhausted from working so hard trying to be who I used to be naturally...only now it's hard work.

 

[grimalkin]

Depression is insidious. I was first diagnosed with depression as a teenager, and really started treatment for it in my 20s. I'm 42 now, and for the first time in my LIFE, I feel I can say my depression is in remission. Even on my best days (where I thought my depression was at least not as there as "normal"), I thought I was as good as I could be, because I was generally in a good place.

All along, I've had a good life, by most standards. Great friends, love, happiness. And the ever-present feeling of...numbness. Not good, not necessarily bad, just blah. Some days I could be completely functional, laughing, happy, funny, engaged. Some days it was a struggle to get out of bed.

Even my doctors said "You don't seem like someone who is depressed." Well, no. I'm a happy, optimistic person who suffers from a debilitating lack of...me-ness. No matter how happy or healthy I seemed, I lacked any sort of feelings of energy, self-preservation, or overall wellness. Even on my happy days, it was a mix of "fake it till you make it" and true joy.

I looked at life through a fog, through walls, through numbing cold, and still could sometimes describe myself as "happy."

So yeah, depression is a lying monster.