How Does Your T Support You?

[NightSky]

So, I've been having a difficult time lately because of childbirth, and not healing properly. Weekly doctor visits and subsequent procedures have been very triggering. Because of this, I've been experiencing physical and emotional flashbacks, (much more than usual). When I have them, aside from crying which is something out of the ordinary for me, I also feel very alone.
I have a good marriage, although I keep a lot from my husband. And I have a lot of close friends. I talk to a few of them when these things happen, and they are very supportive, in that they say nice things. None of them "get" it, but they are wonderful people and they love me well. I'm not alone. But that is the primary feeling i'm left with after these somatic experiences and bouts of strong emotions.
My T responded to an email from me today asking how she can best be there for me, and reminded me that I'm not alone. And this is where it gets so confusing. I have no idea what it would look like to have support that reached through my "everything is ok" barrier enough to make a difference. I don't know how to answer her question. And it made me realize I don't know what helpful support looks like or feels like, which is why I isolate from the people I love. Their words are loving and kind but they don't take an iota of the pain or loneliness away, so what's the point? I only end up feeling like a burden and feeling guilty. And why do these flashbacks cause such extreme loneliness when I'm not alone?
Does anyone's T do anything small that helps them feel especially supported? How about the other people in your lives? I don't let anyone in when I'm emotional so I figure I have to learn with her.

 

[Heather]

My therapist has been my rock. I love her so much. She listens to me, validates my feelings, she points out things that I may not want to hear, but she does it in a way that doesn't put me on the defensive.

I listen to what she says and I think about it often and I've made changes in my life.

She gave me a hug a few weeks ago and I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too.

She always reminds me, " I can get through this and things will get better"

Most importantly she reminds me what a good mom I am and how Ive fought like mad to get my daughter where she needs to be.

She's in my corner. That's how I feel supported by her.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I think it's great that your T asked you this, because it's got you thinking.

I feel supported by my T because she doesn't pat me on the back and say, "there, there, it will all be okay." She can be tough at times but she is kind and extremely compassionate. She validates my feelings and how f*cking hard things are and that some things will never be "okay." At the same time, she is a good cheerleader, reminding me that I can get through this, that I have resources, that I am doing the best I can, and praising me when I use my skills. I love it when she says "You are doing such hard work!"

It also means a lot to me that she laughs at my jokes, she gets my snarky, irreverent sense of humor.

And she gives hugs, that means a lot to me. She waited for me to initiate, and it took me many, many months, but now we hug after every session.

I think my T is just a good fit for me, and that's the most important thing.

 

[Friday]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Regardless of good ideas you brainstorm up with us/on your own...

Cut/paste & send her this paragraph, yes?

And this is where it gets so confusing. I have no idea what it would look like to have support that reached through my "everything is ok" barrier enough to make a difference. I don't know how to answer her question. And it made me realize I don't know what helpful support looks like or feels like, which is why I isolate from the people I love. Their words are loving and kind but they don't take an iota of the pain or loneliness away, so what's the point? I only end up feeling like a burden and feeling guilty.

...because being able to brainstorm with her? Both of you very aware of everything in that paragraph? I suspect will be about 1,000 times as useful as any result of the brainstorming. Starting to work on shifting that pattern, so that not only in this case with her... But in other areas of your life... Very much the difference between giving a man a fish/ feed him for a day vs teaching a man to fish & feeding him for a lifetime.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

YES! 100% agree with @Friday !

I do this with my Therapist as well. I copy/paste journal entries several days later because what I wrote is the whole truth as I see or feel it.

My situation is completely different than yours, however I was asked the exact same question last week. I haven't answered yet.

 

[mrsmegan]

Yes @Friday !!!

My T supports me by the space he gives me - space to be me, in all of the raw and real pain, and to receive love and care where I don't think it's possible.

I wonder if right now, you need an additional check-in once a week? Or ask for email correspondence.

But overall, @Friday had an amazing suggestion and to talk this through with her. She sounds great to be asking you this question.

(hugs)

 

[NightSky]

Yes, that's a great point @Friday - thank you! She does know sort of how I feel because last week I told her I don't see the point in sitting and talking because it doesn't change things. Which isn't a nice thing to tell a talk therapist I suppose. I want what you describe @mrsmegan. I know she is providing space for that, but I don't know how to bring it into the room. Validation or compassion of any sort makes me dissociate. I step out of myself until it's over and can't absorb it at all.
I think an additional check in once a week helps. I just feel guilty asking for anything. And I felt like if I could bring my real self into session it might be enough to get me through to the next week but I just can't seem to do it. And it's not for lack of trying on my part or her part. Sometimes I wonder if therapy is pointless for someone like me.

 

[wishfor escape]

Yes, that's a great point @Friday - thank you! She does know sort of how I feel bec...

Hi Nightsky.

I am having the exact same problems in therapy right now. I honestly am starting to believe that therapy just doesn't work for people like me. I try really really hard but there seems to be no connection developing at all. I just sound like a robot through the sessions and it's been almost two years now. I guess it's fine and I am learning a lot either way, but that extra connection of being heard, understood, supported is missing. Other than that therapy is probably working, but I wonder if without this extra thing it might get stuck here. I don't get the "im sorry this happened to you" validation either, which then leaves me feeling even more hopeless. If a therapist cannot even validate us, who will? Maybe I am just different and there's no hope for me.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I don't get the "im sorry this happened to you" validation either, which then leaves me feeling even more hopeless

Maybe you have the wrong type of therapist for you. I can't imagine working with someone who can't even express, either verbally or nonverbally, that they feel empathy for me, anger and compassion for what I went through, and validation of my suffering. My T shows this by her facial expression, little "listening" noises she makes, and verbally. She once told me "My heart is breaking for you, for how hard this is for you." It meant the world to me.

Have you ever worked with different therapists? Maybe this just isn't a good fit.

 

[NightSky]

I think @Lola Nocheprieta means it doesn't sink it. I could be wrong.
My therapist does. She's immensely warm and empathetic and valditating. She has gotten me closer to tears than anyone usually can, but then it switches off and I'm not "there" to hear it.
I imagine any therapist who doesn't show empathy can't form much of an emotional bond with a client.

 

[mrsmegan]

That sounds so difficult @NightSky - I really do hope that you continue to bring these things to therapy. I know it can't be easy and hear how frustrating it is for you that you can't receive, but don't give up because it doesn't sound like your T is.

 

[erigby]

@NightSky how long have you been in therapy with your T?
It has taken me over 4 months to figure out what I am even supposed to be doing in our sessions together.
My T didn't offer much direction but just kept telling me to "trust the process."
I have had many a frustrating days between sessions trying to figure out if it was worth it.
And then...I had a break through.
And even though I'm still not sure I am ready to talk about the difficult stuff out loud...I know he will be there when I am...that is the "trusting" part he was referring to.
Success in therapy revolves around the therapeutic relationship. Without it...there isn't really much therapy...at least not for some of the issues we are all dealing with here.
It sounds like you have a wonderful thoughtful T.
I am very grateful for her and that she is in your life.
So much of what I understand of c-PTSD is that a big part of the abuse (at least for me) was that I couldn't trust anyone...not even my own parents and certainly not someone outside of the family...everyone was dangerous and I had to protect everything...shame made it (and still does) real easy to keep things hidden.

I used to keep some things from my husband too.
When I started opening up to him and to others...it changed everything.

Is it possible you are struggling with your Ts question because you are recognizing now that the holding back is hindering moving forward?
I have found for me the most helpful thing is when I am feeling really shitty...I text my T and simply write..."I need you to tell me I will get better." or "I need you to tell me I'm not a disappointment"...or a failure or whatever negative thing is going through my mind.
He responds...and reminds me he will keep telling me those things until I believe them.
So this is just one thing my T and I have worked out that helps me.
Every T has their own unique processes.
I agree with @Friday...talk to her about it...it sounds like she really wants to help you and has your best interests at heart.