Relationship I Think It's Finally Over :(

[maddi]

Hi,

So back 2 months ago in December my sufferer boyfriend had a breakdown and left me. We'd just moved in together and whilst I thought we were going great he had been distant the previous month or so. When he initially left he assured me it wasn't about me and it was just him and his PTSD and he needed to be alone to get through it. He did agree to get counselling for the first time and said he was doing it for me. That he wanted to get better and come back and be a better partner for me. That he still loved me the same and that I was perfect and couldn't have prevented him feeling like this. Whilst devastated, as this was the first isolation I'd experienced, I was positive because it seemed he was going to come back "one day". That he hadn't given up on me.

Two months down the track I've still been supporting him and there's been ups and downs. We've caught up on a few occasions romantically and casually. There have been some really upsetting, emotional conversations generally me asking questions and him not having answers. Or me outpouring my love and dedication to him and him feeling pressured hearing it. He moved all his stuff out and cut rent to our house which freaked me out and I got emotional but I felt I made up for that setback by still showing my understanding and willingness to wait for him and generally he's said he still loves me and we've gone on with just needing time.

Well today he's messaged me saying that he needs to clarify his emotions so I'm not confused. That whilst he still loves me it's not the same love as when we were together. That he couldn't come back to a relationship that has uncovered so much pain and anguish despite it not being related to me or us. That with his counselling he's getting worse but the therapist did say that may happen before it gets better. That I shouldn't expect him to be better in a few months. Now I don't know if that means he's giving up on us ever being together again. I'm not sure if that's him telling me to move on and he's never coming back? I asked him straight if I've done something wrong and if this is him telling me it's over forever...he said he's not coming back in any foreseeable future, he was pissed with how I've handled it and that if I want to see other people not to let him find out. I'm devastated, I really thought we were making progress. He's mad at me because I've talked to some of his close friends about what's going on but he doesn't want anyone to know. I feel like I've lost his trust and therefore his love now. I wanted support too though and none of this is my fault but I feel like I'm taking the blame. I know it was going to take time for him to heal and not be a matter of months but I feel he's telling me now that it's fully over regardless of what he'll feel in a year or two. Then again I'm not sure if he's just in such a bad place right now his emotions are mixed up and he's associating me with triggering him and once he's settled more and made more progress in therapy he'll remember it's not about me and he does want a future with me. This is probably more a rant since it's so long but I just want opinions on if this is just the PTSD messing with his emotions since he is at the lowest he's ever been or if this could be real and he's never coming back? Help! This guy is the love of my life and it can't be over...

 

[anonymous]

I just want opinions on if this is just the PTSD messing with his emotions since he is at the lowest he's ever been or if this could be real and he's never coming back?

PTSD messing with your emotions IS real. So yes, maybe he is never coming back. Don't hold your breath and hope the PTSD demons will suddenly relinquish someone. PTSD is a lifelong struggle, and it may very well be that he can't handle a relationship with anyone for a long time, or maybe he will never be able to handle a relationship with you. Try not to take it personally, but I would advise you to take him seriously. PTSD is no passing illusion; its resulting feelings and turmoil are 100% real.

 

[Newtoptsd]

He is right, therapy makes things worse before it gets better. I know this from experience with my sufferer! It's at those times where I fully have to back off, I made the mistake the first time when he came back from a rehabilitation center for combat vets and I was super clingy because I hadn't seen him in a few weeks .... this made him so much worse and he isolated from me. The last time he isolated he was in therapy daily but he hasn't say that to me I just figured it out by myself.

When my SO tells me it's over, I genuinely have to believe it's over ... even if people are telling me it's not. The problem is it never is over and we always resume contact a few days later! It's hard for anyone to tell you it's not over because truthfully non of us have a crystal ball or a look into the future so you absolutely have to take him at his word right now.

He has to work through his own problems before he can even use an ounce of energy in entertaining the idea of being in a relationship with you again. In some ways this is his way of protecting you, he doesn't want to drag you into this hole he's currently in however much you want to be there with him throughout it. I cannot help my sufferer with his healing and I have never attempted to, he knows what he needs to do to get better, when he isolates I completely leave him once I've got the message and he messages when he's ready to apologies and that he hasn't been well! Yes I'm an emotional roller-coaster sometimes but then other times I am completely fine I just carry on with my life knowing I am doing the best thing for myself and him.

There will be some supporters here reading my response knowing how much of a wreck I am sometimes, but they're the people who pull me out of the pit and talk some sense into me and it works.

I don't think you should be thinking 'right that's it, I'm going to start dating again' etc. I don't think you should do that, but maybe just start living life for you and leave him to heal for a while, then you know that in the future you will be able to live without him you just don't want to. I know I can live without my SO and I'm fine when he does go away and need space, I just accept that he needs that space because I don't want to live without him.

Sorry I am completely waffling.

Hugs to you if you'll accept :hug:

 

[Abbii]

This would be my reply with or without a ptsd component. Appears in his latest communications he is trying to be honest as it appears you have expectations he does not. Therefore if you dont move on that is your decision....2 weeks ...2 months ...2 years from now if you have not moved again recall that was your decision solely.
Now addressing ptsd -Can PTSD mess w/ your emotions? oh heck ya
Does it get worse before it gets any better? usually
Is he gone forever? no one knows but he has let you know your relationship is not what he needs at this point - if you hold on to it that would probably be further evidence its not healthy for EITHER of you. Its not about blame really its not - relationships are hard enough in the best of circumstances maybe he is trying to do the best for both of you and get himself to a healthy place, a relationship (even a supportive one) is not always helpful to that journey.
I dont mean this to sound harsh - just I am quite blunt, but dont "wait around" for him then blame him for doing so as it seems like he has given you a clear signal. Please dont think "it cant be over" yes actually it can be over, dont romanticize it.

 

[grimalkin]

The hardest thing I've had to do is let my sufferer go. We went from a counseling session where he said he wants me in his life, he loves me, he needs me, I'm part of his family and can't go anywhere...and which caused him to panic attack pretty badly. Then, the same day, he misunderstood me (in the midst of my own panic attack), lost all his trust in me, and started to question everything.

Within the next six weeks, he went from "We can still get through this," my dad died (which was another bucket to his stress cup), and while I was gone for two weeks helping my mom over Christmas, started questioning if he even loved me anymore. If he even felt ANYTHING anymore.

Upon my return, our counselor asked him to get help before ending things because that's what PTSD does - makes you not feel, want to isolate, run, hide, and makes you look for reasons to "let" you do these things. And makes a misunderstanding seem like an insurmountable wound. In our case, it makes him not even able to hear anything negative about his own choices (IE, calling me names and screaming at me over something like politics is abusive - made him start to actually hate me, in fact...but that's probably more likely shame on his part...which is another story entirely but goes along with "not even sure what I feel").

But, end things he wants and needs, and because he doesn't want to get help, either, all I can do is let him go, and be cheerful about it in front of him (because any hints of "responsibility," "love," "family" triggers him even more).

We've been together seven years.

It can definitely be over. Live your life. Take care of you. And while it takes two to tango (I know I'm not blameless in the bad of our marriage), it's definitely not you (or at least not just you). Keep your own boundaries - ie, if he says it's "over" and there's no way you're getting back together, but he wants you to not date anyone else? Decide if you're ok with that (I personally wouldn't be, but I'm not you), communicate it, and stick to it.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@maddi, I had to go back into your previous posts and refresh; your boyfriend six years ago was severely traumatized during work-related incident where he saw six dead bodies, right? Also I am guessing that he may either be a cop, or paramedic/firefighter, I don't know. Either way, your boyfriend has undergone the severe shock to his entire system. And he has entered therapy which is a good thing, right? Yes. And, as I and many here have come to realize that when initially beginning in therapy things get a whole worse for most, before getting better, if at all. All depends on the therapist, the client, the severity of the trauma, many factors Maddi, Oh, so many factors.

Your boyfriend is pushing you away. That's a fact you have just shared this with us. And as much as I would like to give you false hope, no one here myself included can give you any guarantees that your boyfriend will come back to you. No. And I am saddened to learn that he has moved his things out and has stopped with the rent, and seemingly broken all ties with you. Trauma events are devastating to the survivor. Period. Devastating Maddi. I am aching for you because it so evident that in this past year of knowing and loving this man with all your heart and soul, and sharing so much of yourself - of Maddi - with him, that this is tearing you apart. And you are articulate and are smart and are trying so hard to wrap your mind around his leaving and at the same time feeling out of control that you cannot turn back the hands of time with him and have him show you (action) love as he once did before he left Maddi. And you are feeling deep down inside what it's like to not be able to control your destiny with him at this time in your life.

I am so grateful that he sought therapy for seeing six dead people (while working) and him not being able to get image out of his mind, and the circumstances surrounding this difficult to process, and for him to understand, and for him to accept traumatic event Maddi, for your boyfriend, is indeed the elephant in the (his) room right at this moment in time. And it sounds by what you've posted that he cannot handle anything more than therapy at this time (by what you've shared) is reasonable for what he has been exposed to Maddi, don't you think so?

I will not give you false hope and I also will say this - that time heals a lot of things and to the depth your boyfriend has been brokenly traumatized and how he responds to therapy is in the hands of his therapist and himself. And I know this is difficult for you, and please now look in the mirror, and look into your hurting and feeling abandoned beautiful face, and show some love to yourself right now Maddi. Right now, please. And no one knows what the future brings on this earth. You don't have to lock this door, that has been painfully pulled ato by him. No one has the right to take your hope of a future relationship with your boyfriend, Maddi. You can keep hope alive in your heart. And, after therapy, and/or mid-way through therapy your boyfriend who is gone now, may realize that you are one of the best things that has ever happened to him in his life. And he may come a calling for you again. Until then, you cannot stop living because Maddi is oh so special and deserves a nice warm shower or bath, good food, and loving people around her now. Right now, though, for this time, you must keep living for and caring about and loving yourself Maddi which requires action on your part. It's easier I know, said, than done. I went through a breakup years ago that I felt was going to end me. And I cried, cried, cried and I ached oh so badly for his touch, for his kisses, and for his presence. And he never came back and I am now grateful for how everything ended - oh so grateful. (Another story - totally unrelated to your precious love for this man).

So, I know that you showed this man so, so, so, so, very much love when he was with you. I know this for you have shared your beautiful romance with him - with me and us who are here now. We are here for you Maddi. And we won't leave you, and you post over and over and over as you need to, please. We are listening, and I am praying for you, and we all care here about you, Maddi. Hearts, Flowers, Hugs, and Lots Of Peace I'm sending to you, Maddi this moment. JadesJewel

 

[maddi]

He is right, therapy makes things worse before it gets better. I know this from experience with my su...

Thank you for your support and insight. I think I do really have to think it's over and take his word for it. Maybe one day in years to come once he progresses through his therapy he'll be able to remember me as we were and not as someone who triggers him. I know I'll always forgive him and always love him. I guess that now I have to believe everything happens for a reason. That maybe we were together for me to help him realise he needed to deal with this (I was the only one that convinced him to get counselling, his family couldn't) and have solice in the fact I was special enough to him to make him want to change, but it's just not going to be for me :( right now I say I couldn't ever move on but I can learn to live without him and still have a pretty good life without him. I guess in time the feelings I have for him will fade and at least my life and emotions will be somewhat normal again...I won't ever have to second guess myself or live a life involved in PTSD. Right now though I am incredibly sad and broken. But I try and tell myself that this is the worst, that it'll never be as bad as this again and in time (a long time) it will just feel like a bad dream. Thanks again!

 

[maddi]

@maddi, I had to go back into your previous posts and refresh; your boyfriend six...

Thank you so much for reminding me just how important I am too. That I did really try and loved him with all my heart. He was part of a rescue team that tried to save a refugee boat that crashed at Christmas Island...forty odd people died including women and children. Not only that but I guess being part of the recovery process of retrieving the bodies too. Afterwards it was an absolute mess going through court with people wanting to point the finger at some party to blame (operation run poorly, government to blame, training to blame, how did it happen in the first place etc.). It was years later that he received a bravery award...I guess at that point the government realised those involved did everything they could in horrific circumstances and they shouldn't be crucified for the things that did go wrong. In all this I guess I am reminded of what actually happened to him and how it could badly it hurt him. That it is nothing to do with me at all and I could never understand the pain he is suffering, I should just hope for him to have peace with or without me. At the same time I'm hurt because my life matters too and what I want should matter also right? That being in a relationship is nothing to do with his trauma. Yet I can see he can't live up to the expectations of a relationship when he is dealing with this. He struggles to make himself happy so how could he make me happy too. It's just so sad because I know we could have a great life together and to me it's as simple as being in it together working through it. It's sad that our relationship suffers as a result. I just hope in time he can remember it wasn't any part of me and that I wasn't the source of his pain and suffering, I don't want him to have a tainted memory of me like I feel he has now. Like I said to @Newtoptsd everything happens for a reason, and maybe I was just meant to be special enough to encourage him to get help but that is as far as it goes. Thank you so much again for your support and reminding me I've done all I can and it's not my fault. That I'm important too.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Thank you so much for reminding me just how important I am too. That I did really try and loved him with...

@maddi we are all still here for you; we need you as much as you have needed us. So continue please to share and let us love on you, and help you through this devastating turn of events that may or...may not be permanent. Let's wait and see. Meanwhile, continue to move forward in your life for you, Maddi. You matter! You are loveable! You are important! And putting one foot in front of the other one moment at a time will continue to put you Maddi on your path to your beautiful future that's out there just awaitin' for you! precious Maddi. Fondly, JJ