Discouraged...every Night Is Hard

[NewDayTomorrow]

I am fortunate to be doing ok during the day. I thought my PTSD was gone until it flared up about a month ago. Short story: told my boss I was having trouble, talked to a mentor, briefly mentioned to a desk mate, saw my doctor and got meds adjusted, now things are better in the daytime. Can't talk to my family about it, they don't take it seriously. A few friends know.

The challenge is that my anxiety starts to build around 3pm and just gets worse and worse until I knock myself out with my sleeping pill at 8. It is wearing me down. Every single night I have to control my breathing and heart rate to dodge a panic attack. I have not had a terribly scary suicidal night in about a month though I do still think about it often. Nights are just so unbearable. I try to think of it as "just a few more hours till bed, then a 'NewDayTomorrow'" haha.

I live alone and what I have been doing, is staying at work until that desk mate leaves, then going to Starbucks until bedtime, and just avoiding being alone.

Whenever I write here I always downplay my problem, it's hard for me to reach out for help.

My therapist tells me to just keep doing what I'm doing. I feel like my progress with her has stalled.

There isn't a day that goes by where my bad memories don't cross my mind. I think I have gotten used to that by now. But I am afraid lately that if anything else bad happens to me, I won't be able to handle it. I've had three breakdowns and each was worse than the last (longer recovery time) and I worry that if I have another it will break me. The goal is to not let that happen, to reach for help as soon as I begin to struggle so it does not get to that point.

But bad things happen in life! To everyone! We all struggle it's just that people don't talk about it.

How can I keep going when every night sucks so much? I'm obviously carrying on I just need some motivation. Maybe someday nights will be better I just don't see how that is possible. I feel like this is just how my life is going to be and it is what it is.

 

[gealach]

Sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I'm exactly the opposite, days are challenging and being alone at night is a huge relief. Why is 3pm such a trigger or stressor (whichever applies) for you? It makes sense that if you're getting worked up in the afternoon, the rest of the afternoon and evening would be torture. Have you thought about doing evening yoga classes to help calm yourself?

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

I think 3pm is when the dread starts, like "here we go again..." yes I've tried evening yoga and meditation. Yoga is tough because I actually was activated last time I went at night. We were lying face down and my heart started pounding so hard it felt like it was pushing me up off the floor. Early afternoon yoga on weekends has been better. Also I meditate with a group one night a week and stay overnight with one of the ladies after. That helps because things come up in my head when I meditate and my therapist says it is integration, and I should keep meditating even though it can be scary. I might give the yoga another try. I might have been nervous last time because I was new there.

 

[Twilight]

I am fortunate to be doing ok during the day. I thought my PTSD was gone until it flared up abo...

I am wondering if you are having abandonment issues and flashbacks? I recently was divorced and living alone for the first time in 50 years. I started having abandonment flashbacks and getting suicidal. I never even realised before now that i had abandonment issues. But, the good thing is, it brought these memories to the forefront for me and now i am addressing them in therapy. With some success, I might add. It seems that i have to feel the terrible pain (get suicidal) and process it, but then i am free of it and healed of it. Maybe you can see if when you are alone, that brings to mind memories of a time you were abandoned? I dont claim to know your situation, but maybe this helps?