Being Trusting In A New Healthy Relationship

[Jana Hope]

A bit of my history: I grew up in a household with both witnessing, and experiencing physical abuse and addiction. My dad was a raging alcoholic, and beat the hell out of my mom regularly. She divorced him from a young age but he was apart of my life when he wasn't in jail until the last three years of my life. Like my mother I found myself in an abusive relationship with my high school sweetheart. That relationship was luckily not make worse from substance abuse, but it did last just a couple months shy of 10 years. Being vulnerable in either of these situations was often used against me. About a year after leaving that relationship, I finally sought out help for my mental state. I see a therapist, have a strong network of friends around me, and I have started a relationship with a respectful, patient and loving man.

It has been just over a year with this new relationship. We have lived together just two months when I was let go from my job. I had never been let got before, and am a bit of a perfectionist. I was laid off and was just the new kid on the block, which led to my situation, but I have taken it quite hard. I have had enough money to support myself the past few months and I am terrified at being in the position that my partner has to support me. I have been job hunting with little progress. I'm about to start working multiple underpaying jobs just to make ends meet. I'd be miserable but the idea of not contributing financially scares me. I finally talk to my boyfriend about this, and he asked me to just focus on my depression and not finding any kind of job. He is happy to take care of the bills and let me take care of myself. This will to take care of me is leaving me terrified. And that fear worries him about the state of us. I guess, what I am getting at...is this distrust normal? How do I overcome this to keep our relationship healthy? Should I trust and make myself healthy? How?

I need advice. Personal stories...IDK, anything helps.
He is good to me and I don't want to loose it because I am loony, and don't trust him.

 

[FullOfHope]

I think its normal. I am the same way. My boyfriend wants to take care of me and I fought tooth and nail for me not to depend on him. I ended up getting pregnant and I have a job that comes with commission and I did have a bad month and he had to help me and I freaked out about it. I ended up paying for his portion of a baby bill to pay him back but he wants me to quit my job when the baby arrives and I can't do it. I can't be that dependent on anyone. plus I make more money than him and I would have to sell my horses, and I have my mom to help with taking care of the baby so logically for me it makes not sense.
You just have to do what is best for your situation. maybe get a part time job, and do therapy?

 

[Freedomfighter]

A bit of my history: I grew up in a household with both witnessing, and experiencing physical abuse a...

It is rooted within us that we want to be able to support ourselves, that we are useful people, that we are needed in society. I would be weary of such a proposition, I think a good partner would just have to listen to you and you can tell him how important it is to you to being able to contribute financially.
My ex partner paid all the bills initially, grew frustrated, but grew jealous when I began operating my own business. It seems to him that was more of a power question, i.e. the one that earns the money wears the pants in the family: stupid of course, totally dysfunctional thinking.

I think in the perfect relationship both partners simply discuss that when things go wrong at work that the other partner will support the one that needs help until another workplace can be found. Life is not always perfect and one partner should be able to rely on the other partner if such a situation is encountered. In today's society it is increasingly harder to make a living with just one paycheck anyways.

Also, if both people really trust each other then one magical thing happens: they talk it out, discuss it seriously, find solutions together without embarrassment. To me that is a perfect and functional relationship. When one would never have to be afraid to discuss anything and where one can always count on sincere and honest discussion about challenges that may be present.