Cannottakethis
Gold Member
It's been rough for me these last couple of weeks. I actually called the suicide hotline 2 weeks ago because my thoughts were so strong and everything was so readily available. The cops came to my house which was super scary and took me to the ER. Well in the ER, they did not check my pocketbook, and I had a bunch of Ativan in there. I took six while I was in the bathroom, and another six or so while lying on the gurney. I passed out, and woke up the next day. Obviously, they admitted me, and I stay there for a week. The night before I left I also felt suicidal, and had written a detailed plan of what I would do, and a suicide note to my husband. I Felt better the next morning though. I thought I took that little journal with me when I left, but unfortunately I left it at the hospital. The psychiatrist called me later the next day and said I had to come back or she would call the police on me. I hesitated and stalled, she talk to my husband, and he agreed to bring me to a psychiatric hospital rather than a psych ward in a regular hospital. He brought me much later to a psych hospital I have been to before, and I was again admitted for another week. The doctor there said that I have borderline personality disorder her, and that that is basically the same as C PTSD. She said they both start from childhood trauma, and show the same emotional instability, fear of abandonment, and so many other things that it was confusing. She thinks it would be beneficial for me to go to a longer-term treatment program, and I have found one that I want to go to, if my insurance will pay for it. While I am waiting, I have to go to an outpatient program by my house, which I have been to before, and I'm not really happy about going to again, but I will. I am so overwhelmed with everything, I can't stop crying, and I really don't feel like doing much of anything. I feel so stupid that I didn't know that calling that hotline would bring cops to my house, I really just thought it would give me somebody to talk to. I will never keep another handwritten journal again. I'm OK with the borderline diagnosis because I do you have 90% of the behavior patterns and symptoms, and have been told this many times before. My therapist in my last inpatient program said it doesn't matter what you call it, you just have to get better. All I want is to get better and not feel Like I feel.
