AlshaSoDak
Bronze Member
I've gotten through one of my books on PTSD. One point in particular peaks my interest, wondering if anyone else has any weight on the subject...Intimacy and commitment.
I have been seeing my SO, with combat PTSD, since July 2016. He was diagnosed in 2010.
When we first started actually seeing each other, after talking for awhile, neither one of us was looking for a relationship. More like, "I want someone to satisfy my needs and also to talk to occasionally." Judge if you want, I don't care, but it was to be very casual.
By September, he suggested we not see other people. Both of us were casually dating and (presumably) speaking to other people of interest. There was an agreement made that we would only be seeing each other, still casually. No pressure. Obviously, by this point I wasn't even interested in anyone else, or I wouldn't have stuck around.
By October and November, I had caught the feelings pretty hard. We spoke every day and had been for awhile. He was comfortable enough to share personal things, and a trust was established. He cared. We went through some tough lows, and he let me in while he suffered. He shared things he hadn't with anyone.
All the while we were obviously doing the things adults do, with a major difference.....zero physical intimacy. (I throw in physical because I think sharing personal experience, fears, dreams, etc is very intimate, which he had started doing.) But, there was no kissing, hand holding, cuddling, touching aside from what had to happen, sleeping over... none of the sort. It struck me as strange.
By the end of December and into January, we had spoken of my serious feelings toward him. Hugs became regular with visits. He would try to sit next to me on the couch but was visibly uncomfortable. On occasion, I would sneak in a cuddle, he would become rigid but didn't push me away. He started to let me touch his face and arms a little more. Still nothing regularly. I'm very affectionate, so this is a tough area for me. But, I didn't ever push my wants, I figured he'd do them when he was ready.
The first week of February I received my first kiss, unprompted. Fourth of July style (fireworks and junk; mush, mush). By the middle of February an admitted "I love you." Which I had known (I thought) for awhile, just unspoken.
It's now March, I have gotten two "I love you's" since, two kisses, and two overnight stays. Things have progressed slower than previous "normal" relationships and in a f*cked up order, pardon my language. But I am, for the most part, happy. There are still visits where none of this happens. Just talking, dinner, maybe a movie in; and that's perfect too, just odd to me he stays so distant at times. It's so on again/off again, but we never falter in communication.
My question is, do other supporters with partners that have non-sexually related PTSD have these types of intimacy issues?
Also, we are clearly honest and committed to one another, but he refuses to "label it" (his words.) He says it changes the whole dynamic, is worried about the expectations afterward, etc. But has been married twice, I know he's not afraid of commitment in general. Afraid to lose me? Push me away? Afraid I'll leave due to the PTSD like his exes? When I bring it up, even though our communication is typically great, he shuts down.
Anyone in my position that has experienced anything similar? Is it even PTSD related?
Note: I am not complaining in this thread, I am simply curious about these actions. Please don't assume I'm rushing or impatient, I will wait for him as long as it takes for him to be comfortable. :)
I have been seeing my SO, with combat PTSD, since July 2016. He was diagnosed in 2010.
When we first started actually seeing each other, after talking for awhile, neither one of us was looking for a relationship. More like, "I want someone to satisfy my needs and also to talk to occasionally." Judge if you want, I don't care, but it was to be very casual.
By September, he suggested we not see other people. Both of us were casually dating and (presumably) speaking to other people of interest. There was an agreement made that we would only be seeing each other, still casually. No pressure. Obviously, by this point I wasn't even interested in anyone else, or I wouldn't have stuck around.
By October and November, I had caught the feelings pretty hard. We spoke every day and had been for awhile. He was comfortable enough to share personal things, and a trust was established. He cared. We went through some tough lows, and he let me in while he suffered. He shared things he hadn't with anyone.
All the while we were obviously doing the things adults do, with a major difference.....zero physical intimacy. (I throw in physical because I think sharing personal experience, fears, dreams, etc is very intimate, which he had started doing.) But, there was no kissing, hand holding, cuddling, touching aside from what had to happen, sleeping over... none of the sort. It struck me as strange.
By the end of December and into January, we had spoken of my serious feelings toward him. Hugs became regular with visits. He would try to sit next to me on the couch but was visibly uncomfortable. On occasion, I would sneak in a cuddle, he would become rigid but didn't push me away. He started to let me touch his face and arms a little more. Still nothing regularly. I'm very affectionate, so this is a tough area for me. But, I didn't ever push my wants, I figured he'd do them when he was ready.
The first week of February I received my first kiss, unprompted. Fourth of July style (fireworks and junk; mush, mush). By the middle of February an admitted "I love you." Which I had known (I thought) for awhile, just unspoken.
It's now March, I have gotten two "I love you's" since, two kisses, and two overnight stays. Things have progressed slower than previous "normal" relationships and in a f*cked up order, pardon my language. But I am, for the most part, happy. There are still visits where none of this happens. Just talking, dinner, maybe a movie in; and that's perfect too, just odd to me he stays so distant at times. It's so on again/off again, but we never falter in communication.
My question is, do other supporters with partners that have non-sexually related PTSD have these types of intimacy issues?
Also, we are clearly honest and committed to one another, but he refuses to "label it" (his words.) He says it changes the whole dynamic, is worried about the expectations afterward, etc. But has been married twice, I know he's not afraid of commitment in general. Afraid to lose me? Push me away? Afraid I'll leave due to the PTSD like his exes? When I bring it up, even though our communication is typically great, he shuts down.
Anyone in my position that has experienced anything similar? Is it even PTSD related?
Note: I am not complaining in this thread, I am simply curious about these actions. Please don't assume I'm rushing or impatient, I will wait for him as long as it takes for him to be comfortable. :)
