I Don't Deserve Anything

[DiamondBug]

I feel so unbearabley down at the minute. For the past few weeks I have cried or been very close to daily. I feel really bad about myself. I have been constantly thinking I don't deserve to live or eat, I know this may sound odd, I don't know where this has come from. I don't feel like I would attempt to end my life but I regularly just can't bring myself to eat because I feel I've done something wrong or I don't deserve it, I feel like every time I go to therapy I really disappoint him, like he expects me to start getting better soon or something, which obviously I want to but I feel like such a failure when every session when he starts with how have you been, I feel like I can't describe the full extent of how low I feel or maybe I'm even a bit reluctant to tell him because I feel I'll tell him all this stuff I hate about myself and he'll see it in me and hate me too.

I get so embarrassed about my feelings. I get angry at myself because I know I'm being really horrible to myself, but then that's little thing telling me I don't deserve better, I have been badly abused, maybe this slowly gave me these views about myself.

I've had quite a few breaks in therapy recently, due to holidays, I don't know whether this has made my current situation worse too. The last thing we spoke about was some of my worst abuse, it was really difficult because again I get this bizarre feeling that if I tell someone about it they'll do it to me as well, obviously deep down I know he wouldn't. I feel like speaking about that stuff and then having a two week break has really damaged me because the way I feel about myself has got considerably worse, I don't know why he would do it. It sort of annoyed me because I felt like I couldn't say no, I had to open up knowing that it'd ruin my holiday, because 1 session talking about it doesn't make it better it just brings it to my constant thought, I don't know whether I'll ever be able to properly talk about it, I don't know whether he'll want to next session, I sort of want to now because I've been put in this horrible situation alone for weeks. I've got really down when he's/I've been away before, to the point once I had to call where he works and beg them to make him call me back then I felt so guilty like I was just wasting his time, I really wasn't though I was in a bad place. I wanted to ask for his email before I went away but I got scared that he would say no or he'd think I wasn't good enough, I really wish I did now though. I feel so weak right now. I am really lost. I wish I could speak to him right now because maybe it would make me feel better but I can't until Friday. I am really stuck right now, I just feel like I'm going to breakdown.

 

[Deadman]

I feel I'll tell him all this stuff I hate about myself and he'll see it in me and hate me too.

OK here goes some straight talk. Its not your therapist's job to like you. Its not your therapists job to feel disappointed in you. What he feels is irrelevant. Its his job to stay objective and help you find your path to wellness. As long as he does that he is a good therapist. Its highly unlikely that what you say, feel or think will shock him unless he is brand new to the job.

 

[Keming]

hey
It's pretty normal to feel like shit after discussing trauma. Some feel worthless, some feel angry. I felt helpless and inferior and a failure for existing.
I think it's... once those words are out there, once we've spoken it and someone heart, we can't take it back - we can't get away from it, or hide from it.

I'm going through a long gap between conversations, too. Want to get on with it, get it done, get it fixed, but things just... hang overhead. Or always falling, the ground in sight and the impact imminent but never. quite. yet. But we struggled years, ne? We can survive a few more weeks of despond.

You're worth helping, and you deserve it.