Relationship My Husband With Ptsd

[Jane1234]

Hello all,
I've only been married for 9 mos and nervous I'll never understand PTSD. I'm much better than I was and hopefully will get better in time. One post described it as a cancer that lies dormant and wakes up when you least expect it. In my case this is the perfect description. I feel as though I ALWAYS have to watch what I say, how my facial expressions are how I stand my body movements etc.
I'm a very easygoing person and don't think much about anything but my husband is the opposite.
I feel like I'm always walking on egg shells! Is this normal just part of ptsd he interprets things so differently than me? Once I had my son answer my phone because I couldn't take it. It was my husband and he was so mad ! Said it was disrespectful and no one had ever done that to him in his lifetime. I'm so sorry for the long post but I feel like I'm the end of my rope.
Thanks for listening

 

[BlueOrange]

This post was quite short by comparison with most! This isn't Twitter ;)

Your husband's behaviour sounds like it would be difficult to cope with. Is he in therapy for his PTSD? We tend to want to go it alone, and going it alone tends to fail.

 

[Justmehere]

Is this normal? Yes and no.

It's common for a sufferer to be jumpy and to even misinterpret small things as possibly dangerous, and to be triggered by things that would be "little" to most people.

Based on what you have shared, I'm not sure of what you describe is due to PTSD or not. It could very well be due to PTSD.

But let me be clear: having PTSD is not excuse for someone to be a jerk.

Whatever is causing this, it's unhealthy for the suffer to expect everyone else to walk on eggshells around them. That's not good for the sufferer and definitely not the supporter!

There is a good book called "Stop Walking On Eggshells" that is geared for people struggling to handle the reactivity that comes with BPD (Borderline Personality Dosorder) but may help quite in this situation to set boundaries and deal with his intense reactivity.

 

[Deadman]

Is this normal just part of ptsd he interprets things so differently than me?

Its not 'normal' but it is very common. People with PTSD can be very difficult to live with. Make sure you take care of the safety and wellbeing of yourself and your son.

Don't knock yourself for not understanding PTSD in nine months. It takes most of us far longer than that.

 

[Buttercup]

@BlueOrange I was thinking the same thing as I scrolled down and then saw your message. Lol...sorry, just had to say this bit.

Other than that @Jane1234 I can say this can be common with PTSD sufferers, but as already stated, does not mean that you shouldn't set some boundaries.

The most important thing in this type of situation is that it can be very damaging to our egos ando self esteem to be criticised constantly in this way. As much as you can, try not to own his criticism. Meaning, I'm sure your facial expressions, posture and all the rest are just fine!

And I have also found those extreme reactions to the smallest perceived slight can be common too.

I'm glad you're here for support!

 

[Jane1234]

This post was quite short by comparison with most! This isn't Twitter ;)

Your husband's behaviour s...

Thank you for your reply. My husband is in therapy. He has quite a good network of support. I'm getting better at seeing PTSD for what it is....but am realizing I need to get better at standing up for myself and taking care of myself. This is very hard to do alone. Time for me to seek out my own support system. My husband is a war hero and the war changed his life. He is such a compassionate caring man but the beast of PTSD catches up to him sometimes. I told him once
"It's not easy being you" it must be so hard to interpret things so differently from the rest of the world. Thank you so much for your reply it makes me fell so much better to be on this site for support.

 

[Jane1234]

Is this normal? Yes and no.

It's common for a sufferer to be jumpy and to even misinterpret small t...

Thank you so much for your reply.
My husband thankfully has support and counseling for his ptsd. I need to work on myself.....I need to not take his behavior personally and stand up for myself. It's hard for everyone envolved. Thank you for your support

 

[Snowflakes]

@Jane1234 You wrote you've been married 9 months and nervous you'll never understand PTSD. I've been married 10 years and I still don't understand PTSD.

Listening to your replies. I think you have a greater understanding than you think you do. The greatest thing I learned here was to seek out my own support system which I do by coming here and receiving therapy from a psychologist who understands PTSD. Doing both is helping me to cope with my sufferer.

Your husband IS a war hero and the war has changed his life. I have walked in his boots from a war a very long time ago and I am glad he has support and counseling for his PTSD.

I wish both of you well. Take care

 

[AlbusLupa]

What you have described sounds perfectly normal, or at least is normal to what I experienced with my ex. Every day was like walking a tightrope over a tigercage, afraid I'd say something that would upset her. It could be something extremely small, I was looking at flats and saw one which had a small study with a mezzanine above it. I've got a nice PC with two screens, so I said to her "Hey, check out this place, it's got a study (for me) and a little safe space (which you could use)" - meaning for her to go to when she needs space alone. She got upset over my use of the words "Study (for me)" - because to her that meant I was taking control as the "man of the house" and disregarding her needs, as she hoped to go back to University and would be the one studying. That's just an example from my history, but it sounds similar to what you've mentioned - so I'd say it's a normal symptom of PTSD.

You're nine months in, and it sounds like you're doing everything right - you're researching on the topic, you're building a good support network, and you're taking care of yourself. What I'd say is important is to not take his outbursts personally. You can't be made to feel guilty or ashamed of something you've done or said because of his interpretation of events. PTSD isn't a nice thing to have, and I can't begin to imagine what it's like to be in the head of a sufferer, but you can't change everything about the way you speak, stand or act out of fear you'll upset him. That's not healthy long term for either of you.

 

[Jane1234]

Albus,
Thank you so very much for your reply. Reading these replys really has helped me feel better. I've known these outbursts and his way of thinking is the PTSD. Getting the reassurance from this groups really helps. When things happen I scratch my head and say WHAT!!
Understanding it is hard because my brain works do differently.
Once we were walking and noticed a man was alone a lot at his house. We started talking and I said he was probably newly divorced and enjoyed sprallingnout in the bed Being by himself. It was a silly fun conversation we were just kidding around. Well that night he said I was sprawled out in the bed went and slept in the other room said I was trying to give him a message. I was scratching my head thinking this is crazy!! Since that moment I've learned more about PTSD and understand the negativity is just a part of it all. Well I'm learning and do understand it must be do hard for suffers. Thank you

 

[clsnowyowl]

I can understand that you do not understand because it seems your experiences in life are far different from his. People have a difficult time understanding those of us (such as myself) with PTSD. Believe me, my wife does not understand me very well in spite of the fact she got disclosure before we were married nearly 7 years. Working on our marriage is managing my PTSD and helping her to understand it.

The long and short of this is- any time someone has a firsthand traumatic experience, everything changes (similar to turning on a light switch you can never completely turn off again) because the perceptions you had prior to the traumatic incident no longer apply after you have experienced that/those traumatic event/(s).

I went from feeling relatively safe to being on "high alert" all of the time. My "built-in" security system went on overtime and overdrive for decades. Most trust is low, I perceive a number of things (that others perceive as unassuming) as a potential hazard or threat. I
am overprotective of those around me I love. I respond quickly to perceived loud noises (especially at night). My brain is constantly hunting for threats and kicks into overdrive as a means of survival mode in overdrive. This is normal to occur for those of us with PTSD.

You can probably expect an overprotective husband who is startled by bumps in the night and sudden noises. People like us with PTSD respond very quickly to stimulus like sudden loud noises. My wife has medical ailments. If I hear a loud bang at 3 a.m. or 4 a.m., my first thoughts are "Oh God, she fell" and I go check it out. She'll observe that I am up at that hour (after being startled awake) and I will mention that I am locating the source of the noise and ask what she needs or what's up at that time.? She may not like it, but I respond really quickly to loud noise she perceives as incidental noises. It irritates her because she feels like I am honing in on her, when I am merely reacting to the stimulus (the noise) caused by her. I am also trying to teach her to be quieter especially in the wee hours of the morning (even if she can't sleep) so others can sleep as well. The last thing we really need is to be stressed out by loud noises late at night or that early in the morning when we worked all day and just need to sleep. I can tell you that being alert is an added advantage in today's world. It is sort of a great way to foil burglars and other criminals because bad things do happen to those caught unaware. I say this from experience, because some criminal posing as a human being got the better of me and my judgment and surprised me in a way that impacted me negatively. I got caught off guard and unaware, which rendered me vulnerable, so I made up my mind I am not letting that happen ever again. So my kind of PTSD is hyper vigilance- always looking out for a threat- it is a form of self preservation to assure myself that where I tread is relatively safe unless somehow shown otherwise.

All of that fear-threat stuff is just a way of valuing life and with a caring attitude, doing one's best to keep yourself alive and not waking up dead (or in the extreme case- waking up to find your testicles super glued to your forehead). All kidding to the extreme aside, I hope you have a better understanding of PTSD.

Good luck.

Sincerely,

The Snowy Owl

 

[Justmehere]

It is hard, and you do need to stand up for yourself. Gentle but clear boundaries can help everyone through the process.

If someone is being accusatory at every boundary or facial expression... it would make sense to feel hurt and confused by an intense reaction from him. Especially if you meant no harm.

It seems like he takes things pretty personally. His behavior suggests he probably feels really insecure in the relationship.

Let me try to explain by switching places in the example you gave.

If I am in a secure place where I confidently trust people I'm with, and my husband was to joke about the good side of being divorced with another woman, I would probably take it as a joke, and not take it as a sign they don't want to be married.

But if I was super stressed, struggling to trust, and already feeling disrespected (even if this is not deserved) and my husband was to joke with another woman about how great it must be to be divorced, I'd probably feel even more insecure about the marriage.

I hope that I would sit down with my spouse and have a productive conversation about how I'm feeling and how to restore a sense of security and trust in the relationship.

Instead, in your case, he just threw a passive aggressive fit over it: Which probably led to you feeling more frustrated, your pulling away more, his feeling more insecure, and him lashing out more, and you pulling away more... and around and around the cycle is goong.

Handling conflict and insecurities and fears in the begining of a marriage is super hard work even without the added weight of PTSD in the mix.

You may both need the guidance and coaching of a couples counselor to step in and help you both communicate better through these rough spots and so that his insecurities don't continue to be self fulfilling prophesies as he lashes out.

He may also be coaching on how to set boundaries himself - not because you are doing something wrong. Lashing out is a way of setting a boundary and communicating needs - a really unproductive and unhealthy way. He may need help figuring out a better way of doing it and to mange his fear of being vulnerable enough to handle healthier ways of communicating. Individual counseling is great, but couples counseling (with a very trauma informed couples counselor) can give a lot of feedback and in the moment coaching.

If you do set stronger boundaries with his tendency to lash out, expect it to get worse at first. Don't get discouraged though if that happens. That's pretty normal for it to get worse at first. Ranting at you is in a way or avoiding of dealing with himself and his pain. If he lashes out then he doesn't have to do the hard work of resolving conflict effectively and then having to confront his own pain and insecurities and fear.

Don't give up, and keep reachinh out for support for you.

Do continue to try to understand. It will help to figure out what is really happening and how to respond to keep your sanity through it.

It is also true that you won't always understand what's happening or why. I have PTSD, and I have been learning about it for well over a decade. I support someone with it as well, and even as a sufferer, I still am sometimes confused or baffled by a certain reaction.

When in doubt, try to be as steady and safe as possible. If you need to step back to not react to his reacting, then that's ok, even good. Try to tell him you are taking space before you do, and tell him how you will do that, and when you plan to reconnect. That will hopefully help his insecurity not flare up quite as bad. For example, if you can't continue to take his calls, that's totally ok. Tell him something like, "I won't be able to talk to you right now because I have to take care of myself. I am able to talk to you in two hours." Or however long you need to regroup. He may still lash out and feel disrespected, but over time, he may also learn that taking care of you isn't grounds to freak out. It means you are working to stay in the relationship, not abandon him.

He will also hopefully get much better at managing his symptoms and fears himself and not push you away so much.