Childhood Separating From Family Of Origin

[Catlovers141]

Over the past few years I have uncovered memories of sexual abuse by my uncle (my mother's brother) from when I was little. I've told my parents about this, and even told my aunt (his wife). No one believes me or really takes me seriously. They think I'm confused or delusional.
I'm trying to separate from my family, particularly my parents, because whenever I see them my self-harm urges are triggered, and I get very little that is positive from the experience. However, I think part of me is still hopeful about getting some kind of support from them or even just enjoying my time with them, and so it has been hard to separate.
Has anyone else felt that they had to do this? How did you get through it?

 

[Twilight]

Over the past few years I have uncovered memories of sexual abuse by my uncle (my mother's brother...

Yes, I have had to "separate" from my family of origin. I did not want to never see them again. What I had to do is quit trying to get any type of emotional support from them bc they are incapable/or try to hurt me. So, I stay in control of my contact with them by cell phone use or email. And I am very careful what i share with them. I will talk about the weather, or my cats, or what i ate for lunch, etc. But I learned the hard way to stay away from discussing any problems or hurts or struggles, bc they will screw me over as soon as i give them that opportunity. So, I never look to them for advice, emotional support, help of any kind bc that leaves me vulnerable to their abuse. So, I stay in contact, but keep it very superficial, as i see fit to, protect myself.

 

[Toriplays]

Yes, I moved to the other side of the country to separate from my family. I rarely speak to any of them.
I had to create my own family of choice. I have a few close friends and they have been so much more supportive than my family could ever be.
I feel like in your situation that you probably feel so betrayed by them. They are taking your abuser's side over your truth. I imagine you must feel very angry. Is this the case? I can't help but wonder if they have had a pattern of denying everything that doesn't fit into their belief system?

 

[Catlovers141]

I do feel betrayed and angry. I don't think that their reactions will change and I don't think I can continue spending time with them if that is the case. It is their pattern of denying things that they don't want to be true. It's easier to think that I'm wrong or confused than to think that something did happen, especially at the hands of another family member. There is so much more that could have been done and I feel completely abandoned. My mother was most worried about what the impact would be on her relationship with her brother (my abuser). She even asked me if there was a way to make it up to him. I've started feeling the anger a lot lately. It's been so hard. I need to be away from them.

 

[ladee]

Yes..no contact with family.I was going to be bad and wrong in their world view no matter what.
I tried for so many years to get "Good enough". Only to find out I was good enough all along.
They all think I'm the crazy one...so they can say and.do whatever and I don't have to hear it anymore.
It'd been years since I've gone no contact.
I don't know how you handled or are handling the horrible words your mom said about "making it up to him". I would have been devastated. That is exactly something my family would have said!
And then they just don't understand when we become raging and hurt .
Doesn't mean you have to stay away forever. Maybe at some point you will be able to tolerate them again. But it would be on YOUR terms.
Wishing you strength to do what you need to do.
You will have a lot of support here. So many of us have had to make this same choice.
Gentle hugs.

 

[Toriplays]

I do feel betrayed and angry. I don't think that their reactions will change and I don't think I...

Cat lovers, why am I getting the feeling your mother may had been molested by her brother?It just feels like she's covering for him. Something is amiss about her behavior. It's not the norm. Something is terribly wrong.

Yes..no contact with family.I was going to be bad and wrong in their world view no matter what.
I tried f...

I like this. It's about empowering ourselves. Show them the door if they treat our pain as trivial or worse non-existant. The ball is in our court now. They need to play by our rules.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Over the past few years I have uncovered memories of sexual abuse by my uncle (my mother's brother...

Oh boy, that is so tough, one of the toughest things I had to do, but if I would not have separated from my family they would have destroyed me, especially my father. Now that I know all of the selfish and outlandish expectations he had to continuously abuse me, I know that was one of the best decisions ever. This man is so truly destructive and messed up, I could not even think about communicating anymore.
Sort of scared of the day I will learn that he will be gone for good. Weird....

 

[XXbabydollXX]

I left my Narc speak donor f*ck them

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I cut ties back in 1988 with my family of origin. I only contacted them once more 10 years later and that's it. Best thing I ever did! My mother was a narcissist and protected all outsiders from family secrets. So there was no way to ever tell the truth. The whole family of origin was based on her lies.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It has been quite a lengthy process for me to disconnect and I recently cut off the last one, my sister. I grieved the losses of them because they were my family, but I can never reconnect again for my own sanity because they are all so sick and will not get any help. I did it originally to protect my children from them. Once I reconnected it turned so bad so I can never go back again.

I wish you well in following this path and all of the steps you take from now on to protect yourself.

 

[Anarchy]

You, make it up to your abuser?

WTF is your egg donor smoking?

Going through therapy, I've realized that my role in my FOO is to be the one who is wrong.

I haven't made the full break away from them yet, but I am limiting contact, and limiting my own tendency to keep reenacting to try to make things come out right, and to make myself acceptable to them, as those moves are destined to fail.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Yes, disconnecting isn't easy because there's no original family afterward. Since I had married that became my new family. It took about five years after the last physical connection for me to accept it and move on.

I did have one hold out; my middle brother kept contacting me through email twice a year. That ended recently because he didn't want to hear that our mother was a narcissist. I was no longer willing to play the pretend game. Pretend nothing happened in our family. He was physically abused throughout childhood. I never expected that. I remembered only once. He revealed that it happened more than once. Yet, even with that truth he couldn't accept our mother was a narcissist. Won't fly with me. He and I went our separate ways.

It was a hard loss, but necessary as he's living in denial about our family system. Besides we didn't really have a relationship. It was more like an acquaintance. Like meeting someone on the street and wishing them happy New Year. Or someone at the office wishing you happy birthday. In other words, a superficial relationship. That was the extent of our emails. He'd ask about what was happening in my life and I kept that sharing to a minimum. I wasn't much into developing any further because I knew he couldn't handle anything more in depth about our childhood. That was proven to me when I broached the subject.