Hating Myself For Not Being Able To Say It...

[zoie33]

PSH I totally know where you're coming from wanted to get it all out off your chest yep being too embarrassed and worrying about what they might think or say. I just want to let you know that I finally spilled all my beans today I started with a letter The Giver most important parts and he handled it really well and so I just decided let's do it what do I have to lose it was so hard to get it out but I just said the basics and I said it quickly that's all he really needed to know for now. The best part is I feel so much better like this huge weight is now off of me I am at peace I can let it go not that I can forget it but I can quit worrying about it 24 hours a day with this secret I'm holding it's so freeing to be able to get it over with. I just wanted to share those feelings with you so when you do decide to share your thoughts with your therapist, there is a prize on the other side.

 

[erigby]

I struggle with this so much.
Thank you for sharing.

 

[hymnless]

Really glad you posted about this. I'm feeling the same way, but with a herbalist I've been seeing a few years. The shame spiral of not being able to say it is.... disheartening at best. Words are hard but I'm sure we will get there on timelines that make sense. Be kind to yourself.

And by herbalist clearly I meant therapist

 

[PDH]

PSH I totally know where you're coming from wanted to get it all out off your chest yep being too embarr...

Thank you so much for sharing this.
It's great that you were able to share and that it feels like a weight off your chest.
Well done. Keep going, keep growing, and keep healing

 

[PDH]

I had a night out camping last night. Just me, a fire and my swag. Getting back to basics always clears my head, and makes everything feel less complicated.

I sent my T an email telling her how I felt after our session last week and that I was frustrated at not being able to say it. Also told her I need to get it out because its the part of the abuse that fills me with the most shame, and quite often makes me want to destroy myself. I don't want those feelings hanging over my head any more.

I feel like I'm moving into a new chapter in my life right now and I just want to let go and start a path to freedom from all this. Seeing T again during the week, so will try again, but also try and be kind to myself if I can't say the words.

 

[zoie33]

PSH good for you. The freedom is amazing. You may want to write it down as well before you go. If you can't get the words out just hand them the paper. I know I dissociate every time something is too upsetting so I am learning to always have a paper backup. I will be thinking about you and silently cheering for your success this week. Best of luck.

 

[PDH]

PSH good for you. The freedom is amazing. You may want to write it down as well before you go. If you ca...

Good idea...I dissociate when its too much too.
Thanks for the support. Will let you know how it goes :)

 

[The ST]

Just come home from T with the same problem and this thread jumped out at me. Much wise advice here but maybe I'm not ready to hear it yet. My T of 3 years has always been my safe place and originally was DBT based which gave me the skills to confront childhood trauma stuff in another intensive therapy environment and with another T. Knowing that I could leave that bubble and go back to my safe place was one of the reasons I was able to disclose some stuff and was even brave enough to mention the big shame words to the T that I wasn't going to see every fortnight. I know in my head that it wasn't my fault and that shame is a common feeling but I just can't get that to the gut belief level and the shame is paralising me so that I feel that I can't risk facing that with my safe T. And I am scared shitless of transference - even though we both know it happens. And I have huge rejection and abandonment issues. But mostly I just don't think I can cope with him knowing that about me and still be the safe place that I need . Apparently I am so scared of being known and exposed that I can't risk any one person knowing more than just a little bit. But I also know that I am not going to get rid of the shame and the crippling effect it has on my whole life or actually believe my own history unless I can be brave enough to trust him and me, So tonight I just intellectualised and obfuscated and went into my usual "isn't this an interesting dialect" mode. Then I've felt even more ashamed and angry with myself for doing that and wasting the hour. i am hearing the advice about writing stuff down but like you I think I need to say it out loud. I am thinking that like the graded exposure stuff if I can say it then it will lose its power and maybe if my safe T can believe me and cope with it then I can too. And yes, I know that I want/need his assurance that I am still OK. Part of the problem that goes around in my head - am I just needing to tell him so he will accept me - a bit like re-parenting me maybe. And I know that I have to do that myself. So why do I feel the need to tell my safe T at all??

Yep. I'm confused.

 

[PDH]

Just come home from T with the same problem and this thread jumped out at me. Much wise advice here but...

Wow....your post could pretty much be me talking. I totally get you with pretty much everything you just said.

Don't know about you, but I've even had moments of questioning if I'm just trying to re-traumatise myself by saying it...but I just feel like i really need it out.

I listened to this Brene Brown audio book called The Power of Vulnerability. She talks about all of us having "shame gremlins". The thing I need to say is a massive shame gremlin. She then goes on to say the only way to kill those gremlins is to bring them into the light, and douse them in empathy.

I'm hoping to get my shame gremlin into the light tomorrow and have it doused in empathy from my T and move further in my healing process.

 

[A little lost]

Wow....your post could pretty much be me talking. I totally get you with pretty much everything you just sa...

I read a book recently that referred to treating trauma like treating a broken bone.....it is an injury that is just as real. For it to be able to heal properly it has to first be acknowledged that something is hurting, then a qualified person will look at it with you there....they hit it with a beam of light to see where the broken piece is and then , and only then be able to form a plan as to how to help the bone heal. If it is left unattended and not treated for too long your body will try to heal it but it will heal flawed and it will constantly be a problem. When you eventually get help for it, the treatment will be very painful but will be worth it to get it back to being fully useable again. The main point, -it has to be seen, acknowledged and brought into the light before it can dealt with.
There are a lot of folk here that share the same battle and totally understand from experience. I too have to face my demons again tomorrow ......it is a truly scary thing to do and every time it kicks my arse and I get knocked down , I will pick myself up, dust myself off and keep trying. One day we will slay the demons from our past.
Good luck tomorrow.

 

[PDH]

I read a book recently that referred to treating trauma like treating a broken bone.....it is an...

This is an awesome analogy. Thank you for sharing.

Good luck as you face the demons tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and sending strength your way.
No matter what, just keep getting back up. Every knock down is just another opportunity to learn and grow.
Slay the demons.

 

[A little lost]

This is an awesome analogy. Thank you for sharing.

Good luck as you face the demons tomorrow. I will be th...

I'm glad you liked the analogy, it was actually in a novel. It was in a twist I didn't see coming so I don't want to ruin the book for anyone by naming it, which is pity as it was a cracking story!

I hope you managed to drag your demons into the light yesterday @PDH even if it was just candle light. I had my arse kicked again by mine. Not doing too great and trying to stop my head spinning from the fallout. Once I've got my head back square on my shoulders I'll dust myself off and work out my next battle plan.
I may have lost one battle but I will one day win this war (hopefully)
I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you